Snark Valley

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-04-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

This blog is now at snarkvalley.wordpress.com. It's just easier to maintain over there. Oh don't worry, it will still be ridiculously detailed and I will still take SVH way too seriously. :) See you there!

#30 Jealous Lies

2010-03-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

This is the last book in a small arc of some of my favorites when I was a kid. This particular one, like book 29, focuses more on the complicated nature of high school friendships than it does boys. I like the romance and all, but this is refreshing. Or at least, for a while. It starts getting boring near the end.

If we're attempting to make some sense out of the SVH timeline and continuity, and you know I'm going to, then another summer is over and we're back to school .... and everyone is a junior again. It's also pledge season for Pi Beta Alpha. Jean West couldn't pledge last time because she was doing some "big music project", but since she's PBA sister Sandra Bacon's best friend, it's a given she'll get in. What no one knows is that old Sandy is incredibly envious of all of Jean's accomplishments. It seems like Jean is perfect at everything, and Sandy is sick of hearing about how great she is. Funny how we, the readers, have heard almost nothing about Jean before this book other than that she's a cheerleader.

Sandra thinks she weighs too much and is "average" yet she's in PBA so she can't be all bad. Or maybe she can - Enid's a member right? Hahaha. Because we can't have Sandy just being a bitch for the hell of it - that's Jessica's sole right - we are told that Sandy's also afraid that once Jean joins PBA, she'll lose interest in Sandra since PBA is "the only thing Sandra has that Jean doesn't" at present. Right.

Well, Sandra nominates Jean like everyone expects her to, but then proceeds to morph into a scheming biotch to keep her out of the sorority. One of the pledge tasks is that each girl has to get a certain guy to take her to this dumb party Cara is having. Sandra picks Tom McKay as the guy Jean has to ask because she knows Tom thinks Jean is a snob. Jean is horrified, but Sandy explains it away by saying she doesn't want to look like she is playing favorites with Jean. With Lila's help, Jean gets Tom to go with her, and it turns out he's had a secret crush on her for ages. They start hanging out more, and honestly, it's hard to see how they are going to work out at first. Jean acts kind of snotty when Tom takes her on a picnic because she thinks it's a weird thing to do, and her thoughts remind me of Suzanne Hanlon's at times. Oh by the way, Suzanne Hanlon is also a PBA member, but she's not in this book at all. Just sayin'.

The more Tom and Jean see each other, the more they like each other, and Sandra can't have that. Sandra, you are seriously a desperately evil bitch. Sandra drops by The Tennis Shop, where Tom works. Yes, that's what it's called. She "accidentally" lets it slip that Jean just asked him to have a date for the dance to fulfill a pledge, insinuating that she doesn't really like Tom and is just using him. Tom feels humiliated, flies into a rage, and stands Jean up the night of the party by claiming he had to go to the hospital for food poisoning and have his stomach pumped. (Would they really pump your stomach for having food poisoning?) When Jean shows up without Tom and explains what happened, the girls are all sympathetic and ready to forgive this slight until Sandra starts insisting that they check out Jean's story. Cara and Lila are a little surprised by this. Man, where is Jessica? She's seriously nowhere around most of these PBA happenings, and she's supposed to be the president! Jean calls the hospital and finds that yep, Tom never really checked in and he was lying. She is PISSED, but Cara and Lila are going to go ahead and let Jean get in the sorority anyway even though she failed her pledge task. Sandra calls bullshit on that and tells them they can't let Jean in, and everyone is appalled. So then Jean tells everyone that for a new plege task, she will get back at Tom with an elaborate plan. She's going to go to the big Friday the Thirteenth dance with him, where she and Dana Larson will be asked to choose the guy of their choice for the first dance since it's also their birthday. Jean will ask someone other than Tom! Oh noooooes! Lila and Cara are fucking delighted with this plan. Jean then bitches Sandra out for not having her back. Sandra feels like an asshole. Good.

The rest of the book revolves around Jean and Tom falling in love, Jean deciding she can't go through with the plan to mortify him, Tom telling Jean the real reason why he stood her up, Jean crying about Sandra but being a doormat and not asking her what the hell her problem is, and Sandra standing around feeling pretty stupid and praying Jean won't find out that she tried to sabotage her. You know, I have to agree with Sandy on that list bit. She is stupid. If she were smart, she would've taken a tack from Jessica circa book 4, and just blackballed Jean anonymously at the end. I mean, no one knew it was Jess that wouldn't let Robin in, right? So why not do it that way to Jean rather than make a big obvious ass of herself? Jeez.

Sandra runs into Liz in the student lounge (student LOUNGE? do all schools have this and I was just deprived?) but, get this, DOESN'T confide in her! YES! I was totally expecting a stupid Liz-saves-the-day scene (because I couldn't remember what happened the first time I read this) and was so overjoyed I didn't have to read through that. I was even more shocked when perpetually nosy Liz hears about Jean's evil plan for Tom, thinks it's awful, and declines to get involved because she doesn't know Jean that well. NO.FUCKING.WAY.

Now, by the time we get to the big Friday the Thirteenth dance, it's all a little boring. Yet we do get a huge description of how elegantly the school is decorated and you can tell this book was published during the booming 80s economy since they have huge dances like this every.single.week. They even have a bunch of "unlucky" items set around the room as decorations. Anyone besides me think some Christian parents' group would be throwing a fucking fit if they tried to pull that today? So Jean asks Tom to dance with her instead of snubbing him, the PBAs are furious, Jessica actually appears for a second, Sandra begs the PBA harpies to kick her out rather than blackball Jean, and Jean overhears her and they cry and make up. They have a good laugh about it while the PBAs decide what to do with them. Because this is Sweet Valley, it works out perfectly and PBA accepts Jean and keeps Sandy.

What have we learned? 1) High school friendships are very complicated. 2) Jealousy will turn you into a monster. 3) If someone's being a dick, it's best to just not say anything and hope it will work out. 4) If you've been a dick, it's best to just not own up to it and hope it will work out. If you do have to own up to it, just make a self-sacrificial statement and your friend will forgive you.

This cover is pretty appropriate. Sandra is wearing a totally bitchy expression and reminds me of Grease with her nickname "Sandy" combined with that big pink satin letter jacket. I don't recall ever reading that the PBAs wore these jackets. Whatever. Jean's face plays the part of the unsuspecting best friend perfectly, and we can tell she is "sophisticated" because she's wearing a pearl necklace like Lila and Suzanne H. Nice hairband, Jean. Totally 80s. Love it. Also dig that we get a dark blue background for a change, combined with a Pepto-Bismol pink cover. HOT.

The sub-plot: Steven is home on some unspecified one week break from school. This book was published in September 1986, so let's say fall break. But why does he even need a break? He's HOME ALL THE TIME! His dorm roommate Bob has invited Steven to drop out of school and work with him on his dad's ocean liner. They will be gone for eight to nine months at a time and see the "Far East" and Europe, which Steven considers "the whole world." Everyone is horrified by the plan. He couldn't care less and thinks it's time he got a job and got out and saw the world. Ahahahahaha. Me too, you spoiled brat. Elizabeth decides the best way to handle it is to pretend they don't give a crap, and actively support his decision to leave. Since it was Liz's idea, the Wakefield parents are all about it. As everyone shows they don't give a shit if he goes, Steven starts pouting and thinks everyone hates him. Well, I do hate you Steven and I wish you would go, so I don't have to read about you moping around the house in every book. The Wakefields throw him a surprise "Bon Voyage" party and he gets mad and tells them he's not going and everyone cries with relief. Come on, are they for real? He can't stay away from home for three DAYS; did they really think he was going to leave for EIGHT MONTHS?

Oh, and Steven seriously does not give a crap about Cara. I have no idea how she puts up with it. First he totally ignores her when Ferney comes around, now he doesn't even think twice about leaving her behind for nine months at a time. Yet he gets pissed that she doesn't want to maintain a long-distance relationship at age SIXTEEN. Ugh. However, there is a funny scene where Cara says she'll always remember Steven and he yells "Like hell you will" and storms off.

Stuff and Things: Sandra considers herself just "average" which is funny since in book 10 we were subjected to oozing prose about how the cheerleaders are "the cream of the crop." See, Jessica effed up the team by letting Sandy on!

Jessica is supposed to be PBA president, yet it's Lila who's leading the pledging and all that. In fact, Jessica isn't mentioned in a lot of the PBA scenes. Maybe Lila is just pledge-master. And of course there are no seniors in PBA or cheerleading.

Steven is 18 again in this book. Guuuh. Pick an age and stick with it, would ya?

There are hardly any Wakefield twin scenes in the book. Jessica is pretty much absent and Liz is only in one or two scenes. In one of them, she's rushing off to hurry and proofread her Eyes and Ears column, which is apparently a huge deal. Dude, that column is what, five lines long?

Okay, I normally don't track something like how many siblings people have, but I find it interesting that it changes all the time. So in this book we learn that Sandra has three brothers and Jean has two. One of Jean's brothers is named Richard. I'm guessing the other must be the senior named Peter West that Lila hit on at Jessica's crazy party in book 22. Oh, and for the record, one of the very first books mentioned Todd saying he has a sister. Okay, let the official sibling tracking begin.

Even though she went off in book 29 about how much she hates sandwiches, Jean makes herself a sandwich waiting for Tom to show up for the PBA party date.

Sandra and Jean practice water ballet in gym class!

Jean is terrified of heights, but agrees to go on the Ferris wheel with Tom. She is cured of her phobia simply by keeping her eyes shut until they reach the very top, then opening them to see the killer view. Nice amateur Fear Factor there, Tom.

1986-tastic: Liz tries to convince Steven to give her his word processor before he leaves.

Amy Sutton takes Aaron Dallas to the pledge party and they sound like they're going to hook up afterwards. I guess he's not with Patsy anymore. Maybe Amy was supposed to break them up. That sounds like something that little bitch would do!

More one-shot characters: Jerry Novak (Dana Larson's latest boyfriend), Leslie Decker, Janice Young, and Becky White (PBA pledges).

Possible future book spoiler alert: Maybe 40 books later, Tom comes out as gay. I can't help thinking that Francine already had that planned when this book was written. There are jokes about how Jessica had turned Tom off to females forever when she dated him. Tom also talks about how he doesn't feel comfortable getting too close to girls, etc. None of which is strange on its own until you consider that many books later, Tom comes out as gay. Hmmmm!

The back of the book has the fun Sweet Valley Twins ad, about books "created especially for you." There's also an ad for the SVH Super Editions that calls the SVH stories "real-life adventure." Uh, what planet are you from, copy-editor?

So that's the first book of the 30s. By now it's 1986, and the twins have been 16 years old for about three years. I have to say that I'm not looking forward to reading most of the other 30s. A lot of them focus on secondary characters, and/or have stupid plots that I couldn't give a shit about. But there are a couple of good ones in there, and we still have two of the original Super Editions to look forward to ... although I already know that one of those blows hardcore.

Next: There's a hot new boy in town, and Enid is all about it. Surprising since he's her age!

Super Edition #4 Malibu Summer

2010-03-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to read this. This was the very first SVH book that I ever purchased. I think I bought it back in 1987 from the Waldenbooks in the mall. In fact, now that I think about it, this is probably the first one I ever read, not Kidnapped! I think this book colored my ideals about how summertime should be for every teenage girl. (Oh, lord.) And the cover definitely fascinated me as a kid. We have Liz and Jess standing on the beach looking just delighted to be there. Jessica is the cool one laughing at something and taking off her sunglasses for a better look. I wanted that pinky-peach bikini. (Note the past tense.) And, naturally, Liz is the one wearing the stupid-ass matching barrettes (come on, even to the BEACH Liz?!) and crossing her arms self-consciously over her conservative tank suit. I didn't like Liz's suit, but I still wound up with one that looked a lot like it when I was 12. (My mom wouldn't let me get a bikini until I was 14.)

So summer's here, AGAIN, and the twins and all their friends have just finished up at least their second junior year. Actually, I think it might be the second. I'm losing track. George Fowler forces daughter Lila to get a job in Malibu as a mother's helper in order to build some discipline or character or some bullshit like that. Of course, the job she winds up with is ridiculously cushy and she spends maybe two full minutes the whole summer actually doing anything with the kid. In fact, she describes her duties as reading a bedtime story to the kid each evening. What the fuck kind of shit is that? Hiring someone just to read a story ... ahhhh, nevermind. I'm taking this too seriously again.

When Jessica hears about this job, she is all about it and immediately wants to do the same thing. Ned and Alice say she can't do it unless Liz does, too ... why? Who cares? Is Liz supposed to chaperon Jessica? Well, Jess can't convince Liz to go because Liz has been trying to hook up a summer internship for the Sweet Valley News ... until LILA makes Liz feel bad about not giving Jessica what she wants. It only takes two seconds for Lila to make Liz reconsider, because Liz is stupid. Liz, I'm seriously going to smack you. So yeah, Liz gives up her prized internship that she worked so hard for, and prepares for Malibu with the oh-so-strict condition that Jessica do all the work, line up the interviews, and pick the families that they'll work for. You see where this is going. Jessica is basically going to give herself the best family. She goes and interviews with the lady who runs the agency, who doesn't appear to check any references. In fact, she pretty much hires the Wakefields solely because they are twins and she thinks the clients will dig knowing that twins are working for the agency. Because twins are such magical, special creatures, like unicorns and mermaids.

Despite Liz's admonishment that Jessica do all the work, she has to do interviews with both families that the girls have been assigned. Why? Well, because Jessica and Robin Wilson are going to a weekend cheerleading camp together. So Liz reluctantly goes to both interviews and yes, that means she poses as Jessica for one of them.

Jessica has picked out a family called the Sargents for herself. Josh and Lucy Sargent have a three-month-old baby named Sam, so you know there is an ulterior motive for this. Jessica only wants to work for them because Josh Sargent's cousin is a 17-year-old singer/movie star named Tony Sargent, and Jess thinks he might drop by the house and fall in love with her. He's apparently already released two gold records and done a movie, but he's never been mentioned in this series before, and Liz hasn't even heard of him. He's the 1986 equivalent of Justin Bieber. He sings pop songs like "You're on My Mind" and "Tonight Is For You, Girl" and I remember reading about him when I was a New Kids on the Block fan, and being totally charmed. Of course, at 28, I find his lyrics a lot sillier.

Jessica sets Liz up with Malcolm and Audrey Bennett, who have a bratty six-year-old daughter named Taryn. She figures Liz is getting the raw end of the deal but will get over it. What a good sister, that Jessica.

Elizabeth goes to interview with the Sargents as Jessica, and finds the house is actually super tiny, six miles away from the beach, crammed full of boxes, and worst of all, Jessica will be staying in a cramped room on a cot, just inches away from the baby's crib. Then Liz drives to see the Bennetts, and sees that they live in a HUGE oceanview mansion with a whole separate wing for Taryn, and that there's a housekeeper named Maria who also looks after Taryn. Liz is so stupid she actually thinks Jessica willingly took the Sargent assignment and gave Liz the better house to make up for Liz having to skip out on her internship. Liz, you never learn, do you?

When Jessica arrives at the Sargents and sees the house, she is devastated. Josh also tells her that they haven't seen Tony in three years and he never comes around. Serves her right! But she perks up a bit when she meets the Bennetts' hot next door neighbor, Cliff Sherman, who just graduated from high school. Jessica spends a good deal of the rest of the book trying to get Liz to switch assignments with her, but Liz isn't having it. That's right Liz, grow that backbone! Jessica tries to change Liz's mind by pretending she's allergic to the Sargents' cat, Spot. Liz isn't buying it because Jess had allergy tests a few years ago when she tried to claim that she was allergic to dishwashing soap, and everything came out fine.

The back of the cover tell us that Jessica "desperately tries to get bronzed Cliff Sherman to notice her" but all she has to do is smile at him! There's a mild conflict where Jessica has to convince Liz to babysit for Sam so she can go to a big party Cliff is throwing in honor of his visiting friend. One page later, Liz has agreed to watch Sam. Jessica goes to the party, and she and Cliff are an item for the rest of the book. Yawn. (Do people really throw parties in honor of visiting friends that often? It seems like a nice gesture, but still ...) Cliff is okay; he jogs and he doesn't seem to have much of a personality.

Lila brags about how she wants to meet a hot older man like the hero in a romance novel she's reading. Then she falls for Cliff's friend Ben Horgan, whom she meets at the mall. She just assumes Ben is older than she is. They take a romantic walk, and Ben acts weird about his age, but finally admits he's only fifteen (big deal!) and won't be sixteen till September ... oh, how horrible. Jessica finds out about Ben's age from Cliff, and she gives Lila a hard time about it and pisses her off. Um, remember Dennis Creighton, Jessica? Ben offers to teach Lila how to windsurf. She already took lessons last summer but she pretends she doesn't know how to do it so that Ben can feel like a great teacher. Why do chicks always pull this in these books? That's a bad message to send if you ask me. Lila and Ben fall in love. I kind of don't like Ben; he sounds like a douche.

Little Taryn Bennett hates Elizabeth and Cliff and her parents and everyone else. Her parents neglect her and she's miserable. But Jessica tells her fun "secrets" about a "wicked little girl named Taryn." Taryn likes Jessica's style. Haha, take that, Liz.

On the night of Cliff's big party, Liz is babysitting when the Sargents' friend Jamie Galbraith, a college junior at Yale, stops by. He's all intellectual and 21, and he talks about literature and gets Liz all hot and bothered. They share a slow dance and she freaks the fuck out when he's about to kiss her. I have to say that is a little skeezy for an adult to be after some jailbait babysitter that he just met. But Liz's main problem is that her parents wouldn't approve. Liz, you're on vacation. WHO CARES? She's also afraid to tell Jessica because then Jessica would have to hide it from their parents and that would be such a burden on her. LIZ. HOW MANY OLDER GUYS HAS YOUR SISTER DATED, EXACTLY? DIDN'T YOU HAVE TO COVER FOR HER WHEN SHE GOT STRANDED OVERNIGHT WITH ONE? GEEEEEEEE ...

Lar lar lar, Liz keeps seeing Jamie secretly but feels guilty about it. Give me a fucking break. They fall madly in love and Liz is shocked because she hasn't felt this way about anyone since Todd. Of course, we quickly learn that Jamie is really famous Tony Sargent in hiding from a stalker who wants to kill him. You see, Tony was lonely on the road, so he "had a drink" with a groupie named Lisa. I gather that is code for "had a one-night stand". It turned out Lisa had a crazed boyfriend in jail named Frankie LaSalle. Now Frankie is out and he's going to kill Tony for "messing around" with Lisa. To protect Tony, Tony's manager, Jody, hired "professional makeup men" to give him a new look ... and all they did was dye his hair, give him colored contacts, and have him wear wire-rimmed glasses. Uh, couldn't he have done all that on his own?

Liz and Jamie/Tony go on romantic dates to the Beach Cafe, and Liz makes a big deal out of how she is going to tell her parents. What a goody-goody. You're on your own on a beach trip; do what you want! Well, to be fair, it sounds like Liz and Tony were planning on making their summer romance a year-round deal.

Frankie tricks Tony's secretary in telling him where he is by saying he is a policeman (over the phone). Right. Now he's on his way to Malibu to kill Tony for banging his girlfriend.

A huge storm blows up one night. Taryn has come down with a horrible fever, but no one thinks to take her to the hospital. She gets out of bed and overhears her parents arguing, and she packs a tiny suitcase and runs away. In the middle of the storm, Jessica drives to the Bennetts' house on instinct to see if Liz is okay, but Liz isn't there because she's at the Beach Cafe again with Jamie. Jess and Maria decide to get Taryn and leave the house because the storm is too dangerous. Jessica is afraid the house will wash over the cliffs or something. Come on, is this a hurricane?!

Maria discovers Taryn is gone and she and Jess run out to look for her. The police find Taryn trapped on a broken footbridge over a rushing river, but Taryn won't come to them. Jessica gets Taryn to come to her by yelling out a secret just seconds before the footbridge breaks completely apart. Taryn is extremely ill and is rushed to the hospital. She keeps asking for Jessica and it's really sweet. Awwww. And, because all family matters and life-and-death issues can be wrapped up very neatly in Sweet Valley World, Jessica has Audrey tell Taryn a secret herself, about how everything's going to be okay with them from now on. Malcolm and Audrey apologize for being shit parents and make up with Taryn and with one another. So Taryn pulls through. This is at least the second book where someone has to have the "will" to live and Jessica solves it. (See also: Book 10.) I love this place.

Back to Liz and Jamie. Crazy Frankie goes to the Sargents' house and poses as Jody the manager. Lucy tells him where Jamie has gone. Then the REAL Jody comes by later to check on Jamie, and they all nearly have a heart attack. Frankie finds Jamie and Liz right as Jamie is about to tell Liz that he's really Tony Sargent. Frankie attacks Tony with a huge knife, slicing open his shoulder. Liz clunks Frankie over the head with a pewter vase and saves the day. By now she's figured out who Jamie really is. She basically gives him the cold shoulder and refuses to talk to him because she doesn't see the point in trying to carry on the relationship. After all, Tony will be on tour all the time soon, banging groupies like Lisa. She's also suspicious that Tony couldn't possibly have really loved her, even though he calls her at least three times following this incident. She also thinks that Tony is nothing like literary, studious "Jamie" she fell in love with. Uh, well that's a hell of a character to fake. What did he do, study Cliffs Notes so he could talk about literature with Liz? Come on. Liz is devastated because Jamie/Tony is the only boy she has really loved since Todd. Jessica thinks Liz is being stupid to not even talk to Tony, and I have to agree with her.

Tony throws a benefit concert and leaves free tickets for everyone at the Malibu Inn, where he's now staying. Jessica and Cliff keep trying to set Liz up with Cliff's hot (and literature-inclined) friend Brent, but Liz isn't having it. (Brent? It's another name repeat. Enid went after some dude named Brent a few books back.) So then they finally convince Liz to go to the concert with them. The Number One (an L.A. band from book 29) is the opening band. Then Tony comes on stage and he says he's written a new song for Liz. Even though Liz is pretty much in the front row, he still says "Liz, if you're out there" so I guess he is blind. Liz is shocked that Tony hasn't forgotten her yet and she cries hysterically because his love is the best she has ever known. No, really. The song is called "Summer Girl" and it goes like this:

"Summer girl, I think I always knew

My whole life, that it was you."

That's deep.

Stuff and Things: Why are Tony Sargent's relatives seem to be poor? Can't he help them out a little? And how can they afford to hire a mother's helper? I don't get it.

The plot itself is surprisingly thin for a Super Edition, and of course it is crappier than my 6- or 7-year-old self thought it was. I finished the book really, really fast. All of the events in the book take place before the 4th of July.

Liz tells Jamie/Tony that she doesn't know much about music. But in book 28, she spent a lot of time chatting with Enid about music and she even went to The Music Shop (or whatever the generic name was) to check out some records.

Speaking of generic names ... The Beach Cafe, The Music Shop, The Tennis Shop, The Malibu Inn ... why are there so many unoriginal names in these books?

As usual, Enid is almost entirely left out of a Super Edition. Good.

Lila tells Ben that she just finished her junior year. Hahaha. Yes, for the second (third, actually) time she has.

Mr. Fowler hooked Lila up with her hot job because the people are clients of his. Isn't that conflict of interest?

Next up ... a new school year has supposedly begun. So now we're back to school and I guess, following the publication timeline, we are supposed to assume that Sandra Bacon spent the whole summer glowering about her best friend Jean wanting to join HER sorority, Pi Beta Alpha. Man, Sandra's had a lot of time to stew about that shit. This is going to get nasty!

Sweet Valley Twins and Beyond

2010-03-14T18:51:00.001-07:00

We're now at the point in the series where its very first spin-off, Sweet Valley Twins, was introduced. The series chronicled the twins in the sixth grade at Sweet Valley Middle School, at age 12. If you think about it, it makes no sense for them to be age 12 in sixth grade and age 16 in 11th, but whatever. You know Francine doesn't give a crap!

The series lasted for 118 books plus multiple Super Editions, Super Chillers (my favorites!), and Magna Editions. Around book 50, the series' name changed to Sweet Valley Twins and Friends ... how dumb. I stopped reading it several books into that, but it looks like it changed back at one point. Later on, a weird two-book "special" spin-off called Team Sweet Valley was debuted which just focused on the twins as sports mavens or something.

The series debuted in August 1986, and was widely advertised in the backs of Sweet Valley High books. "Tell your kid sister, your sister's friends, and your friends' sisters!" they proclaimed. I devoured these books (along with SVH) up to a point.

When the series starts, Jessica and Elizabeth are just starting the sixth grade. In the first book, they have recently discovered their individual interests. They stop sharing a room and quit dressing alike, and they begin hanging with different friends. All of this bothers Elizabeth at first. Elizabeth starts writing for a sixth grade newspaper called The Sweet Valley Sixers while Jessica joins a club of "the most beautiful and special girls" called The Unicorns (more on them later). No, really. Every book starts by telling us about how the Unicorns consider themselves the most beautiful and special girls!

Many of the SVT stories were clearly based on stories already covered in SVH. For example, Hostage! was repeated with Mary Is Missing. The entire Liz-Todd-Jessica debacle from Double Love was replayed in Elizabeth's First Kiss, only without the whole Rick Andover bit. And in Best Friends, the first book, Elizabeth joins the Unicorns just because Jessica wants her to, but hates it and quits so that she can spend more time writing for the Sixers newspaper. If you think of these things in literal terms, it is hilarious that they don't learn their lesson and repeat the whole debacle with Pi Beta Alpha and the Oracle in high school!

The SVT books didn't really delve into dating and mature topics until the early 40 numbers. Before that, it was more about the twins snarking on each other's friends, solving mysteries, trying to excel in various things like dance or acting, or getting in trouble for sneaking out of the house or playing hooky. Eventually, most, if not all, of the characters were paired off with a boy and dating became a big, and stupidly explored, theme throughout the remainder of the series. Liz dates Todd, Jessica dates Aaron Dallas, Lila dates some dude named Jake, and Amy is weirdly paired with Ken Matthews. Other characters date people we never hear from again.

Many of your favorite SVH characters show up in this series, but others vanish with no explanation. Lila is there, as is a new cousin we never heard of before, Janet Howell, who is an 8th grader and a complete snob. I love Janet. Cara Walker isn't there; instead, we have Ellen Riteman, a rather spacy chick who makes kind of dumb comments and gets ragged on by Lila and Jessica fairly often. Ellen rocks. Liz hasn't met Enid yet, and so we get to meet the old Amy Sutton, who is tomboyish, clumsy, and nerdy. True to form, Jessica and her friends all hate on Amy. Bruce Patman and Winston Egbert are prominently featured in the series. Other, more minor characters like Ronnie Edwards, Jim Sturbridge, and Charlie Cashman pop up from time to time. Lois Waller, who I've only seen casually mentioned in the SVH series a handful of times, is prominently featured in SVT as a fat chick and the butt of many jokes. Naturally, Bruce Patman gives her the most grief.

Steven is in the ninth grade during the SVT series, which again doesn't match with his age and grade in the SVH series. Well, we already know Francine isn't one for continuity. This is further illustrated with the Porter sisters, Julie and Johanna. If I recall, Julie is a sophomore in SVH, but in SVT she's in the same grade as the twins. Did she get held back a year? Caroline Pierce is there and we see her in her early days of being the school gossip that nobody likes. We don't get to hear about the twins' cousin Rexy and his untimely death, but we do meet their favorite cousin Robin, who I don't think is mentioned at all in SVH.

Several of the stories revolve around the Unicorns. Like I said before, they are an exclusive club for "beautiful" and "special" girls. Janet is president, and I personally thinks she kicks ass. All of the Unicorns must wear something purple every day, and they sit at a lunch table called The Unicorner. Most of them are bitches. They also spend all of their time gossiping about boys and celebrities. Elizabeth doesn't like that, but come on, they're like a lot of kids their age.

Betsy Martin is an eighth grade member, and apparently not using drugs and sleeping around yet, but who knows. The only nice members of the club are Mandy Miller (who survives cancer), Mary Wallace (a former foster child who was kidnapped as a baby), and Belinda "Billie" Layton (a very sports-oriented-type girl, which is portrayed as being outside the norm here). The Unicorns occasionally throw parties where they sit around braiding each other's hair and giggling about cute boys. Most of these Unicorn members are completely absent from SVH, including the three nice chicks (unless they pop up later on and I've just never read about them -- Billie might make an appearance).

Here are some of my favorite (regular) titles from my SVT days. Yes, I remember these very well, and we still have several stuffed up in our attic! Maybe it's time I did some rooting around up there ... I will likely review some of these, eventually.

#1 Best Friends - The very first book in which Jessica and Elizabeth both join the Unicorns, but only Jessica gives a fuck about it. Liz is devastated and thinks they should be doing everything together, but she eventually quits the club in favor of writing for the Sixers. There's some fun drama about club initiation rites first.

#8 First Place - Lila gets her own horse named Thunder, so Liz sucks up to her just so she can ride him. Aw, not such a righteous person now, are you Liz?

#14 Tug of War - Liz and Jess run against each other for class president and fight like crazy about it. Liz ends up dropping out so that the third candidate, nerdy Randy Mason, can win. I think this was the first SVT I read.

#15 The Older Boy - Jessica meets a hot 16-year-old named Josh, so she lies and says she's 14 so he will date her. He gives her her first kiss. Steven figures out what she is doing and she is forced to come clean to Josh, who just thinks she's a cute kid. Once again, Jessica is enabled.

#24 Jumping to Conclusions - Jessica assumes her mother is having an affair and starts following her around and acting ridiculous.

#28 April Fool! - Elizabeth and Jessica switch identities like they always do every April 1st. By now everyone is supposed to be in on the joke, but instead Liz keeps getting her day fucked up because of it. It turns out it's part of some fun surprise Jessica had put together for Liz. Having your day essentially ruined sure sounds fun to me!

#29 Jessica and the Brat Attack - Jessica gets stuck babysitting two stupid rotten kids, and enlists Liz to help her play a trick on them by thinking Jessica can be everywhere at once. You see, kids are stupid and have never heard of the concept of identical twins. I loved the title of this book though!

#34 Jessica, the Rock Star - Jessica joins a band with Aaron Dallas and Bruce Patman. She's supposed to be the Dana Larson of the band, but she sucks ass. Aaron and Bruce are too pussy to tell her, so she keeps on. Oh don't worry, by the end she's realized her "true voice" and can sing fantastically after all.

#35 Amy's Pen Pal - Amy has this pen pal, Sam, come to visit from San Francisco. Sam makes up all kinds of crazy-ass stories. The Unicorns eventually figure out she is lying and concoct a plan to humiliate her, live on the air! Liz steps in and saves her at the last minute. It turns out Sam is a runaway. This story has hints of Love Letters to it.

#37 The War Between the Twins - The twins get in some stupid argument about the sixth grade newspaper and Jessica winds up making her own with the Unicorns, which is of course printed on purple paper.

#42 Jessica's Secret - Liz gets her period, and of course she assumes that Jessica has hers too since they are identical twins. Hey, so does Mrs. Wakefield. *eye roll* Jessica goes along with it because she is embarrassed. All of a sudden, all the Unicorns can talk about is having their periods and Jessica feels stupid. Then the twins go to visit their cousin Robin. Robin is trying to join a cool club called the Jaguars, and Jessica offers to help her through her initiation to show how cool and grown-up she is. But the Jaguars are way more daring than the Unicorns, and Elizabeth ultimately tattles on them. Jaguars, Unicorns, it's starting to sound like gangs. Jessica gets her period at the end of the book and feels like a real person again.

#43 Elizabeth's First Kiss - Liz likes Todd but thinks he likes Jessica and Jessica likes Todd too but Todd really likes Liz and ... yeah, we've been here before. Also, Liz tries dressing up for school in this weird blue-and-green striped dress (which I guess was the style at the time) and is embarrassed when one of the boys gives her an ugly blue-and-green plastic bracelet as a gift to match her dress. She essentially realizes boys want to date her and feels weird. In the end, Todd gives Liz her first kiss, which is on THE CHEEK, and Jessica makes a huge deal out of it like it's the most amazing thing ever. I guess she thinks her smooching on a 16-year-old can't match up.

#44 Amy Moves In - Amy's house burns down and she moves in with Elizabeth. We get a hint of the future SVH Amy when she starts treating Elizabeth like shit and begins hanging around with Lila and Jessica and exaggerating about the fire in order to get attention. It turns out Amy is really afraid that she accidentally started the fire herself. (Don't worry, she didn't.)

#46 Mademoiselle Jessica - Jessica fills out a crazy application to win a modeling search and a trip to Paris that she is totally not qualified for. (I think you had to be fluent in French or some shit, I don't know.) She doesn't intend to mail it, but Liz mails it anyway. When Jessica actually becomes a finalist, her family decides to be a dick and "teach her a lesson" by pretending to be super French and humiliating Jess in front of the model scout. (The model scout is in on the plan, because I'm sure she would take time out of her busy schedule to assist in teaching a 12-year-old a lesson.) Jessica is completely mortified. What a great family. Hello, she DIDN'T WANT THAT SHIT MAILED IN! Now we see why Liz thinks it's okay to meddle!

#54 The Big Party Weekend - The twins and Steven throw a huge party while the Wakefields are away, and concoct a wild plan to get around their babysitter, an old drill sergeant lady. Duh, the party gets out of control, but the babysitter gets home in time to help them clean. Jessica's boyfriend Aaron kisses her in this one and then a giant piece of baloney hits Jess in the face a second later. It annoyed me that this was championed as her first kiss when that happened way earlier.

#57 Big Brother's In Love! - What a stupid fucking title. The twins try to set Steven up with his coworker Cathy, but Steven is obsessed with some popular bitch named Jill.

#61 Jessica the Nerd - Jessica tests into a special program for smart people along with a bunch of nerds and is totally embarrassed. But she finds she has a lot of fun with the group. That won't stop her from being a dick to them later, though.

#66 The Great Boyfriend Switch - The school hosts a Valentine's Day dance. A royal first class bitch named Veronica has moved to Sweet Valley, and she brags about how at her old school, "...we had real making out." I remember reading that line and thinking it sounded like some kind of school-hosted event. Veronica steals Todd from Liz at the dance. Jessica ditches Aaron for Bruce, and Liz and Aaron wind up together as they cry over their respective lost loves. Veronica becomes Jessica's best buddy and tries to pit her against Liz. Eventually Jessica fixes everything and everyone gets back together. And there's a gross scene where Amy and Ken are caught making out in a laundry room.

#67 Jessica the Thief - Veronica frames Jessica as a thief who's been stealing shit from people and stashing it in her locker. Because Veronica has proven herself to be so trustworthy, everyone thinks Jessica really did it.

#68 The Middle School Gets Married - The whole school does that project where everyone "gets married" and takes care of eggs. I never got to do that shit. Liz is paired with Bruce, and Jessica gets a hot kid named Rick Hunter, who kisses her while she bitches at him for tossing their egg around.

#70 Psychic Sisters - This was the last one I read. Everyone thinks the twins can read each other's minds ... ooooooooo. There's a logical explanation that makes everything totally boring.

Following Sweet Valley Twins, multiple other SVH spinoffs were introduced, all with the twins at various ages and grades.

Sweet Valley Kids came out sometime around 1989 or 1990. It featured the twins as seven-year-old second graders at Sweet Valley Elementary. These thin paperbacks had black-and-white illustrations, and the print was very large. I was in third grade when the first one was published, and I got teased for being able to read one in under 20 minutes. (I was the biggest bookworm in my class by FAR.) One of the books I read had Lila Fowler being exposed as a bedwetter. There were also Super Snooper editions where the twins solved mysteries.

The Unicorn Club covered the twins as seventh graders. It came out sometime around the mid-1990s, just when I was getting sick of Sweet Valley and "kids' books". It was unique as each book was written from the first-person viewpoint of a different character. In the first book, the Unicorns opened up to include more people and Elizabeth re-joined along with her friend Maria Slater. I only read two of these and in the second one I read, the Unicorns split in two and the nicer people (including Elizabeth) formed a new club called the Angels. Tell me you couldn't see that one coming. The series didn't last long.

Sweet Valley Junior High was one I never read. The twins were eighth graders who had to go to Sweet Valley Junior High School after a re-zoning removed them from Sweet Valley Middle. What? You mean Sweet Valley is big enough for two middle schools? And one is SV Middle and one is SV Junior High? Riiiiiiight. I don't think this series lasted very long.

Sweet Valley Senior Year is, of course, the twins' last year of high school. The titles for these were supposed to be in-your-face and "hip". Never read any.

Sweet Valley University came out some years after Sweet Valley Kids. The twins start college, and I'll give you one guess which school they and all their friends go to ... uh ... hmmmm ... keep guessing .... I never read any of these, but I'm beginning to think I should've. Sounds like I missed some gems.

Sweet Valley Confidential is a standalone novel that will come out in early 2011 (or so we've heard), as I've mentioned before. It is supposed to give us a glimpse of the twins in their late 20s to early 30s. I'm secretly hoping it's scandalous, juicy, and at least 500 pages long.

#29 Bitter Rivals

2010-03-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to pick this book up because it was one of my favorites as a kid. But also, the last several books I've read have been all about some poor soul who needs the magic of Elizabeth Wakefield to make them whole again. It was nice to have a break from that and instead read about Liz making a few missteps herself. Yes, Liz is definitely not a saint in this book. In fact, she is largely an ass. Well, she always is, but this time it's more obvious.

This book covers the return of Amy Sutton to Sweet Valley, and the resulting battle for Elizabeth's friendship. Amy and Liz were best buds for years before Amy moved away to Connecticut after sixth grade, but Enid only became Liz's friend in the tenth grade. Now that Amy has moved back, it appears E and A aren't going to get along, but Liz is sure trying to make them!

Elizabeth is so excited to have Amy return to town that she is completely oblivious to the fact that Amy is now a complete airhead. She has also forgotten Enid exists, literally. She breaks a couple of dates with Enid, including standing up Enid as she runs off to meet Amy. Even after she remembers that Enid is standing around at the beach waiting for her, she doesn't do much to try and fix the situation, like you know, go drive off to the fucking beach to find Enid. She even has Enid reschedule a planned ski weekend with her Aunt Nancy three times, two of those just to accommodate Amy, whom Liz has taken the liberty of inviting along. (Yes, they're going skiing in the time period between spring break and summer break. I am confused.) It's pretty clear that Amy and Liz essentially have nothing in common anymore, but Liz is so desperate to rekindle their old friendship that she keeps fooling herself into thinking that they do.

It's also obvious that Enid and Amy aren't fans of one another. Regardless, Enid decides to put up and shut up and pretend that she and Amy can be great friends. She grudgingly agrees to let Amy come along on the ski trip, keeping it a secret the whole time (from Liz and from we the readers -- I feel cheated out of some great scenes) that Amy has been a complete bitch to her whenever Liz isn't around. (And I mean complete bitch -- telling her she's a loser, stay away from Liz, she makes her sick, etc.) But Enid is afraid Liz will ditch her and think she's lying if she tells her the truth about Amy. Man, Enid is one poor soul who has no real friends aside from Liz. Nowhere is this more painfully obvious than in this book. Seriously Enid, go chat up Lynne Henry or somebody. Enid is also a bit of a clingy and possessive friend, which she admits to herself, and she is jealous of Amy the second she hears she's coming back to town, long before she sees firsthand what a douche Amy is.

Now, whereas Amy was a tomboy and a bit of a loser in the Sweet Valley Twins era (just to remind you, that series was in the works when this book was published, but not yet released), here she is a dazzling, fashion-conscious, boy-crazy cheerleader who loves hanging out with Jessica, Cara, and Lila but repeatedly stands Liz up for plans. She is also a drama queen who starts crying at the drop of a hat and calls everyone a "doll." She terrorizes Enid for being a "bore"(and let's face it, this is a fact) but she herself can't shut the fuck up about her boyfriend John Norton (or "Johnny") back home for several chapters. She is at least two inches taller than 5'6" Liz, but she says she strictly diets so she can't go over 110 pounds. Jesus. (For breakfast, she has a cup of black coffee and a grapefruit while scowling at Enid's pancakes, butter, and maple syrup.) She is ridiculous.

We get several chapters of Liz acting stupid and trying to force Enid and Amy on each other, Amy being flaky, standing Liz up and then crying hysterically when Liz asks her what her deal is, and Enid silently glowering about it all. It finally comes to a head at Lila's latest "biggest party of the year" which is to honor her 19-year-old cousin Christopher, who's in town from Maine. Apparently Chris is going to visit for three weeks and hang out with a bunch of fucking jailbait. Great. Amy wants a piece of that the second she sees his picture, and Lila is all about setting them up at her stupid party. Oh, did I mention it's a costume party even though it's not Halloween? Well, surprise! Chris and Enid already know each other from a sailing camp Enid was at two years ago, and Chris totally wants him some Enid. Amy is furious, screams at Enid, and keeps throwing herself on Chris, who finds her fucking annoying by the way. Liz tries to fix the situation and both Enid and Amy tell her off and run away.

Of course, both girls forgive Liz in the end, but not each other. Here is the truly ridiculous part of this story. Even after Liz and Enid make up and Enid tells Liz what a bitch Amy has been to her, Liz STILL SUGGESTS AMY COME SKIING and ENID AGREES TO THIS FUCKING IDIOT IDEA. Thankfully, Amy has the sense to say no, and Liz basically walks away from the friendship. UGH.

At least Liz and Enid own up to the dumb mistakes they made along the way and remain friends, but Enid? Seriously, get a hobby, or at least some other friends. Maybe she and Chris will prove to be a serious item and give her a life for a while, but I doubt it. And Liz? Yeah, I understand how it feels to desperately want to hang on to a friendship that's past its prime, trust me ... but you made it an art form, and a sad, sloppy one at that.

Amy, you're hopeless. Congratulations on making the cheerleading team. Funny how you didn't have to go through the THREE try-outs that everybody else did last time. Guess Jessica didn't want to risk someone attempting suicide and ruining HER life again.

The sub-plot features Jessica being as ridiculous as Amy. She develops a crush on some kid in her French class named Jay McGuire. Oh, I'm sorry, not a crush, it's LOVE! True LOVE! Like she just had with Jean-Claude. Well, Jay is dating a senior girl named Denise Hadley and they are crazy about each other. It just so happens that Jess and Cara have started an advice column for the Oracle called Miss Lovelorn, so Jess goes ahead and writes two fake letters for her to answer that week, one from a boy dating an older girl and one from a girl dating a younger boy. Miss Lovelorn's prize advice is to just break up, already. Of course, the assumption is that Denise will think Jay wrote one and Jay will think Denise wrote the other. For some reason, the letters actually cause the pair to fight a lot. Jessica takes advantage of the situation and gets Jay to take her out, throws herself on him, and seals the deal by telling Jay Denise has been cheating on him and the whole school knows. Because Jay is stupid and has no idea what Jessica is really like for some reason, he consoles himself by diving in between her thighs, or whatever we're supposed to assume they were doing. (I know, I'm so vulgar.) Jessica and Jay go to Lila's party where Denise is with some older dude. Jay runs out of the party crying, and hey, he's back with Denise on Monday morning. Seems this one is Liz's fault since the couple wrote letters (for real this time) to Miss Lovelorn about how much they want to fix things. Jessica meant to throw the letters away, but she forgot and Liz wound up printing them and telling the letter writers to give it another try. I'm glad to know a stupid advice column can make or break a love life, especially when everyone knows who writes it and it wouldn't take a genius to figure out that Jessica faked the original letters and that she's trying to get in Jay's pants. Way to go kids. What I really want to know: Why isn't Denise coming for Jessica's ass? I forget I went to an uncivilized high school where girls solved things like this by beating each other and leaving piles of hair strewn all over the hallways.

The cover is hysterical. Everyone looks like they are about to throw down, and wearing fugly outfits. Toss those stupid barrettes already, Liz. And why has your lavaliere blown up in size on the last two covers? I HATE Enid's hair. UGH. Also, why do the books always describe Enid as having brown hair? Hello, it's red. Amy isn't as hot as she thinks she is but she does have a cute pout going on.

Weird shit: Jay mentions two friends of his named Eddie and Tom, who I assumed were Eddie Strong and Tom McKay, but instead it's two dudes named Eddie May and Tom Richardson. So basically the ghostwriter made up two brand new characters we'll never hear of again for no reason. I hate when they do that. I know, I pay too much attention to this shit.

Seriously, Denise should at least cuss Jessica out. That would be funny. Although Denise and Jay don't strike me as the two brightest crayons in the box, so they probably still don't realize what Jessica pulled.

Here are the costumes people wear to Lila's party: Enid and Liz come as skiiers (DORKS), Amy is a ballerina, Jessica is Cleopatra, and Lila is the Princess of Wales (you mean Diana?). Sounds like a blast to wear ski outfits in the hot California spring air.

Lila describes how hot her cousin is to her friends and pretty much drools all over herself. Ewwwwww.

Cheerleader Sandra Bacon is jealous that she can only eat yogurt while her best friend Jean eats a sandwich (and bitches about how much she hates sandwiches ... who hates sandwiches?). But why is Sandra only eating yogurt, you ask? "...she had been gaining weight lately, and unless she starved for three weeks, she would burst the seams on her new cheerleading uniform." I HATE HATE HATE how this series presents body image! Or hey, forgets to show how you can lose weight without eating nothing but goddamn yogurt and grapefruit! Oh, I forgot, only Jessica and Elizabeth can eat like normal people and stay a "perfect size six." HATE.

Sandra wonders how she got on the team since she fell on her ass during the tryouts last time. Hahaha, you mean you didn't hear how Jessica forced people to vote you on just so Annie the slut couldn't shake her pom-poms at people? And how Annie tried to off herself because everyone knew you sucked ass and she was so much better than you and rightfully deserved your spot? Oh, Sandra, you really are out of the loop aren't you ... pity.

Next up ... the twins go on their second summer vacation, this time to Malibu. And then we'll see how Sandra handles Jean wanting to join HER precious sorority. It's not going to go down well.

#28 Alone in the Crowd

2010-03-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

Meet Lynne Henry. Lynne is probably the most painfully shy girl in school with some of the worst self-esteem issues I've ever heard of. Of course, she still manages to teach kids guitar at The Music Center (yes, that's what it's called). All sarcasm aside, Lynne spends most of her time cursing her existence and wishing she was a Wakefield twin. No, really, she tells Liz she would give anything to be her. Ugggh. Lynne lives with her mom, who runs the Silver Door salon. Her dad died when she was little. Lynne's mom is hopeful her daughter will recognize how special she is and get a better self-image. Thankfully, the book emphasizes that this isn't based so much on looks as it is being proud of your individual talents and knowing who you really are. Well, with stronger emphasis than usual, anyway. I'm glad this isn't another Power Play or something.

Despite the cover's implications, Liz isn't as much of a busybody in this situation as she has been in past books. The story centers far more on Lynne and a song she has written called "Outside, Looking In" which she's turned in anonymously to a songwriting contest The Droids are holding. (Did Aaron Lewis steal that song about 15 years later?) Lynne has a serious crush on Guy Chesney, The Droids' guitarist/keyboardist/whatever (depends on what book you are reading/how much of a crap you give), whom we last saw flirting wildly with Liz in book 6, I think. Guy seems to like her too, but Lynne is convinced he wants someone who looks like Linda Ronstadt. Now, not to pick on age or anything, but Linda was 40 when this book was published. I find it odd that the ghostwriter would focus so much on the looks of someone that much older than these kids. Ah, I digress.

Elizabeth eventually comes across Lynne giving a little boy a guitar lesson, and immediately recognizes Lynne's voice as the one on the tape, which The Droids played one day hoping to find out who the anonymous songwriter was. No one else has any clue that it's Lynne because she's worked so hard to keep her musical talents a secret. And Lynne has no clue that The Droids are so frantic to find the songwriter because she very literally has zero friends. Despite her shyness, Lynne feels comfortable pouring her heart out to Liz because Liz has that magic spell she casts over everyone when she leans forward and touches them like she is on this cover and a bajillion others. Liz keeps Lynne's secret, even though Guy talks to her in private at least twice about how desperate he is to know who wrote the song. Seriously, why does everyone confide in Liz when they don't really talk to her otherwise? Wouldn't it make more sense for Guy to talk to Dana or Max or somebody about this? Well, Guy figures it out anyway when Liz mentions that the girl has talked about Linda Ronstadt, and he exposes Lynne by, get this, having her picture sketched on a flier (by a police sketch artist -- what the fuck?) and passed around the cafeteria. That's what he does to announce her as the winner of the song contest, rather than telling Lynne he knows it is her. By this time Lynne has gotten a makeover, but I think we are still supposed to understand she is not as pretty as a Wakefield. Everyone congratulates Lynne on her amazing talent, Guy tells her he is in love with her, and Lynne sings the song for the whole cafeteria with The Droids backing her up.

I tried to hate on this book, I really did. But I have to say I found its message more sincere than past books. And despite being fairly outgoing myself, I could identify with some of Lynne's thoughts enough that I was a little unsettled. However, I did not appreciate the continued emphasis on how perfect the Wakefield twins are. Trust me Francine, we understand this by now. I also would like to see a book where a girl can gain some self-esteem without a boy being in the picture. No, I don't think it's bad that there IS a boy in the picture; I just wish there wasn't one for a change.

The sub-plot isn't really there .... it focuses on Jessica's "brilliant" idea to raise money for new cheerleading uniforms through a stupid rocking chair competition and dance. Uh, did I say rocking chair competition? Why yes, I did! The cheerleaders literally sit in a chair and rock for hours and collect pledges for every hour that they rock. It's called "Rock Around the Clock" and everyone proclaims it a brilliant idea because it was Jessica's. BARF.

The corners of these books have a tendency to snap off when they get old. I just thought I would say that. Let's talk about this cover. It's not too bad. I'm sure Lynne could have chosen any other pair of glasses but these giant ones, though. They are even bigger than my ninth grade boyfriend's, heeeee. Liz looks like a gym teacher and her lavaliere is so big that it looks like a gym whistle from far away. And why is she always touching people like that? Graaagh! Back off, Liz!

Little bits: It seems like Lila might be on the cheerleading team again, but I can't tell. Last I checked she didn't want back on there after she got kicked off with Cara.

We get our second black character introduced ... a sophomore named Lisa Reed. Other minor characters we probably won't hear from again: basketball forward Keith Webster and his girlfriend, another sophomore named Lynne Jacobs. Lynne H. thinks Keith is calling to her for a sec until she realizes it's that other Lynne.

Jessica has been traumatized by what happened with Annie Whitman and doesn't want to go through another round of auditions for the next cheerleader. Cry me a fucking river, Jessica!

The cheerleaders find out Helen is moving when they go to the Bradleys' house to practice rocking. You know I am not making this up.

Enid crushes on a senior named Brent and dances with him at the Beach Disco (isn't it time for a new name for that place?), but he doesn't seem to have any interest in her. HA HA

I find it odd that Lynne thinks her tall, skinny figure isn't attractive like the more "curvaceous" girls at school. When I was her age, I worried that I wasn't skinny enough and that I was too curvaceous. There is nothing wrong with either body type, but we all know that things are different in Sweet Valley!

When Lynne tells Liz how much she wishes she was a Wakefield, Liz tries to make her feel better by telling her she can't sing and has never played an instrument. I'm pretty sure that is total bullshit and I am going to call it on her when necessary. See why I track this shit so vigorously (other than the fact I am a total nerd)?

Liz becomes a Billie Holiday fan in this book, after she listens to one of Enid's records. As much as those two annoy me, I have to give them props for appreciating Billie.

Guy falls in love with Lynne's voice before he falls in love with her ... brain hurts.

Back of the book advertises the next upcoming Sweet Valley High Super Edition, Malibu Summer, as well as some Sweet Dreams mini-series no one cares about. What's funny is the Malibu Summer ad goes ahead and states that it's the second summer Super Edition. They really do not give a crap about continuity!

The plot bits for the next book involves cheerleader Helen Bradley, who no one cares about anyway, moving away to L.A., and Lila's cousin Christopher coming for a visit. And then we learn that Liz's middle school best friend, Amy Sutton, is moving back to Sweet Valley from Connecticut and Enid starts to get jealous the second she hears about it. And all of this ties together quite nicely in book 29, which kicks off a short string of the SVHs I loved best as a kid! Yay!

(Another note: A few books after book 28, the Sweet Valley Twins spinoff series was introduced, with the twins in the sixth grade. In that series, Amy was Elizabeth's best friend until she moved away after the series concluded. When Liz asks a group of Jessica's friends if they remember Amy, Cara, Lila, and Caroline all say that they do. I find this funny since Cara is nowhere to be found in the SVT series -- unless she popped up near the end when I had stopped reading it.)

Super Edition #3 Spring Break

2010-03-09T14:25:00.000-08:00

It's April 1986 and we're on to the third Super Edition, and the twins are off to the South of France for 10 days as part of an exchange program between Sweet Valley and Cannes. The back cover informs us that "Elizabeth can't wait to practice her French, but Jessica's dying to meet those romantic French boys." Of course. Now, if I'm not mistaken this is the twins' second, possibly third spring break. The first one was in book 11. Then there was a strange one week break from school in book 21, and since that was right before the first Super Edition summer, I guess we have to assume that unnamed break = spring break. Then they had the first winter break with Super Edition 2, and now we are back to spring again. Why do I do this to myself?

Let's talk about the cover. Is that a green coat Liz is wearing? She looks like a psycho with that weird expression. In fact, it's really quite hysterical if you look at it for too long. And Jessica is apparently so delighted to be in Europe that she's doing an impromptu joyous striptease. At least we get a decent background for a change ... are they near a lake?

The twins' host family consists of a lady named Avery Glize and her 17-year-old son, Rene (that's Re-nay - I don't know how to do the accent mark over the 'e" and I'm much too lazy to figure it out), and younger daughter Ferney who stays with the Wakefields. Of course, the Wakefields noticed right off the bat that there is no Monsieur Glize and appear genuinely shocked and curious as to why this isn't a nuclear family. Groan. The family picture the Glizes send to the Wakefields shows Ferney with her head to the side so no one can see her face. It makes so much sense that they would choose to send that one shitty picture.

Avery, a nurse, is very nice to the twins, but Rene acts like a dick and makes bitchy comments about "you Americans" as soon as they meet him. It's a shame because Liz started crushing on Rene as soon as she saw his picture, and Jessica desperately wants them to hook up because the only Sweet Valley people who are single for too long clearly have something wrong with them. While the twins ride to the Glizes' house in Cannes, Rene quietly bitches to Avery about stupid Americans and "my father" so I guess it's pretty obvious that his dad was an American and that's why he hates all Americans. Of course, it's going to take a bunch of meddling from Liz to figure this out, so we aren't supposed to have caught on yet. Jessica instantly hates Rene since he's a big jerk, but she acts like a 6-year-old about it. Seriously, does anyone above that age stick their tongue out at people? Jess goes for a jog with Liz (I had no idea they jogged) and takes off with some rich kid she meets named Marc, who turns out to be totally boring. That leaves Liz with Rene, whom Avery has ordered to be kind to the twins. You see, Avery thinks forcing her son to hang out with two Americans is the best way to get him to stop being so full of hatred for Americans. Sounds great.

Rene takes Liz out to lunch with his friends Edouard and Georges who scold Rene for being mean to Liz and yelling at the waiter that Liz needs more ketchup because she's American. This just makes him hate Liz even more.

Rene ultimately deserts Liz despite his mom's insistence that he show the twins around, so Liz decides to spend some time by herself while Jessica is off with Marc again, who is still boring her. Liz finds a lost puppy named Nykki, who happens to belong to a Countess with a hot grandson named Jean-Claude. The Countess loves Liz (shocker), but Jean-Claude and Liz don't really click. But Jean-Claude does let it slip that Rene is afraid of the water because his best friend Antoine drowned in the Mediterranean some years ago and Rene couldn't save him. Liz feels pity and you know she's on a mission to show Rene the light. Liz goes ahead and makes plans to hang out with Jean-Claude soon anyway because she doesn't have any other friends here besides the Countess. But then she accidentally stands him up because of an emergency errand she had to run for Avery, and a traffic accident that slows up her bus and makes her late getting back to the house to meet him, wah wah. (Liz gets out of the bus to inspect the accident, naturally, and I seriously thought she was going to solve the issue herself!)

Liz did leave a note saying she might be late because of the errand, but Jessica gets home first (fleeing from Marc, who naturally has a puppy dog crush on her), sees the note, and then is bowled over when hot Jean-Claude arrives. J.C. has no idea that Liz has a twin and assumes Jessica is Liz, and Jess keeps up the charade because she wants a piece of that ass. The fake "Liz" and Jean-Claude fall in love, and Jessica sneaks around with him behind Liz's back for a few days and lets Liz think that Jean-Claude is mad at her, and that it's Marc Jess is with the whole time. So when Marc shows up at the Glize house looking for Jessica and saying he hasn't seen her in days, Liz is a little surprised and wonders who Jess's mystery man is. She's with J.C., DUH. Liz agrees to go with Marc to an art gallery where they meet Veronique, the daughter of a famous painter. The painter thinks Liz is unusually astute for a 16-year-old (*eye roll*), Veronique and Liz become friends, and Marc falls for Veronique. Aw, now Liz is the only one left all alone. You know the book won't let it stay that way for long.

Back at the Glize house, Liz tries to bond with Rene when she finds out his dad has been sending him letters every month from America, which Rene throws away without reading. It only takes a couple of pages for Liz to convince Rene to open the letter. I mean, she's really badgering him about it and I kind of want to stuff the letter up her nose. But then Jessica comes in and ruins the whole thing. Rene is back to hating Americans again. But you know what's really funny? Rene bitches at Liz for being all up in everyone's business. It's funny because it's true.

Naturally, it takes a near-tragedy to get Rene over his hatred and fear of both Americans and the ocean. A storm blows up at sea while Jean-Claude and Jessica are out on an island making out. Liz runs into Rene again and he tells Liz that Jessica's mystery man is Jean-Claude and that Jean-Claude thinks Jess is Liz. Liz is furious but surprises Rene by insisting they go to find Jessica and J.C. and save them. I guess Rene thinks Americans are so evil that Liz would just want Jessica to drown. Liz only briefly stops to think of her dead cousin Rexy and her previous accident before hopping on the back of Rene's moped. She got over that quick. They arrive at the beach just in time to see Jessica get knocked unconscious by the boom on Jean-Claude's capsizing boat. It takes Jean-Claude, Rene, and Liz working together to save her. Liz realizes that J.C. and Jess have fallen in real love and helps to keep up the charade by pretending to be Jessica. Later, Jessica tells the Countess and J.C. who she really is, and of course the Countess thinks it's "intriguing" and of course J.C. still loves her. OF COURSE. Remember that dumb shit with Bill Chase in books 7-8? That's the way it works when you're from Sweet Valley, kids.

Of course Rene gets over his fears, of course he does it with Elizabeth's help, and of course it takes a major near-tragedy to hammer it all home. I'm glad to know that's all it takes to get someone to stop being prejudiced!

Now that Rene has magically transformed from an ass to a nice person, he and Liz hook up and admit they both thought the other was hot from the very beginning. Rene felt he had to be extra assy to her to fight the feeling of wanting to jump her bones. Awwwww, how sweet.

Meanwhile, back in North America, Ferney arrives and Steven is shocked to find she resembles Tricia Martin. He immediately forgets all about Cara and starts hanging around Ferney nonstop and salivating over her every movement, convinced she is the living version of Tricia. There's a whole boring scene where Ned and Alice discuss the situation. Of course Ned decides it's not worth worrying about and Alice just goes along with what he says. Well, Ferney sucks at English and Steven sucks at French, so they wind up just hanging around mooning over each other until Steven's friend David arrives to help translate. Steven realizes Ferney isn't anything like Tricia (no, really Steve? You mean two people can look the same but be very different? Like some twins do? Hmmmm); he just assumed she was but she's rather shallow. By this point, he has completely ignored Cara and made her feel so bad that she's reduced to confiding in Enid, of all people. But when Steven sees how wrong he was about Ferney, he suddenly remembers Cara exists, comes over to her apartment and apologizes to her, tells her she's special, she forgives him, and damn, why are we not done hearing about Tricia Martin yet? Come on! Man Cara, dump this guy. Seriously, what if Ferney HAD been just like Tricia? Then what? Would Steven have hopped a plane back to France with her?

The book ends without us ever seeing what really goes down between Rene and Liz. We just know they like each other and have a date, and there's only a few more days left on the vacation. Come on, don't leave us guessing like that! I can only hope this will be addressed in the secret diary editions much later. I do have to say I got tired of every adult Liz met telling her how intelligent and perceptive she is. Yeah, yeah, WE KNOW!

Little details: This book was written when it was still kosher for people to smoke on airplanes, as the announcer tells everyone to put out their "smoking materials."

The twins poke at their airplane meals and talk about how gross it is. You know, I've been flying since I was very little, and I seriously have never had airplane food that I thought was truly gross. Maybe I am just unusually blessed?

France was still using the franc for currency when this book was published.

This is apparently Lila's third trip to France, but neither she nor any of the other Sweet Valley kids appear anywhere in Cannes alongside the twins. It's kind of nice to have a break from those kids for a change! (And the Ms. Dalton/Mr. Collins drama)

I love the way there's always a good reason for someone being a crappy person, and it's usually the parental units. Rene is a jackass because of his parents. Suzanne Devlin was a jackass because of her parents. Oh, need we go on?

One of the reasons Steven thinks Ferney is just like Tricia is because he mistakenly thinks she wants to be a scientist -- just like Tricia did. I don't remember hearing about this before, I really don't.

Marc takes Jessica to a private beach where everyone goes topless. Jessica whips off her own top and then dives face-down onto her towel while blushing furiously. Are we really supposed to believe Jessica would be shy about this?

Occasionally this Super Edition will randomly go into a stupid melodramatic sentence, like many SV books. But I think this one may be the worst I've read in ANY Sweet Valley book so far: "An oasis of sympathy sprang up in the desert of anger that Elizabeth had felt." WOW.

I think it is strange that Ferney barely knows any English. She's in an exchange program for language classes. At my school, you had to have taken a minimum of two years of the language before you could go on the exchange trip. Of course, I know it's different when you learn a language in a class and then go to a foreign country and hear someone else speak it, but still! Also, Jessica is terrible at the language when she arrives, and then halfway through the trip she's suddenly fluent. I don't think I need to tell you that Liz was perfect from the beginning.

Here's another random place to add to all the others: Estrella Beach! Steven talks about taking Ferney out there.

The back of this book tells us this is a pretty late printing as it has an ad/order form for SVH Super Thrillers and Super Stars, which were published much later, boys and girls. Lord, I can't believe I'm still doing this.

Now it's back to our regular SVH books. It is always hard for me to go back to those after reading the fun Super Editions. And yes, our next one is about Liz meddling in some poor soul's life, this time back on American soil. I wonder how many books in a row this makes about her fucking meddling.

#27 Lovestruck

2010-02-20T13:52:00.000-08:00

This one wasn't so bad. I'm tired of reading about secondary characters getting helped out by Elizabeth though. In this case, it's Ken Matthews, star quarterback for the Sweet Valley High football team. Ken is failing English, and he has one more chance to make it right by turning in a short story prior to the big football game against Palisades. Because this school places academics above sports, which is a shock, no one is going to give Ken a free pass to play in the game if he flunks the assignment. This is true even though everyone says Sweet Valley can't possibly win against Palisades without Ken in the game, since the Palisades High quarterback (some dude named Peter Straus) is supposed to be the hottest thing on a pair of cleats. So Ken just has to write a halfway decent story to save his own butt. There's just one problem: Ken can't come up with anything, not even one crap sentence. In the meantime, he's spending most of the time that he should be using to write with his latest infatuation, Suzanne Hanlon. Suzanne is snotty and full of herself, and she drags Ken around to shit like Ingmar Bergman movies and Sweet Valley High literature readings and history lectures. Suzanne convinces Ken to hide the fact that he's a football player from her father since her dad hates how sports take over academics and is always going off about it. Um, I kind of hate that too ... although I certainly don't hate football. Suzanne's brother Jeffrey is a sullen whiner. And Suzanne's friends make fun of Ken for confusing Ingrid Bergman with Ingmar Bergman and not knowing anything about foreign films. Ken can't stand most of the shit Suzanne is into, but he pretends to, and even plays a Mozart tape she gave him in the car when she is around. Of course, as soon as Suzanne isn't in his car, he replaces the tape with the Rolling Stones. Ken is sure this precious gem of a girlfriend is going to ditch him the second she learns he's having trouble with English.

When Liz hears that Ken is failing, she goes out of her way to help him out ... like usual. She gives him a copy of a story she wrote, complete with the outline, to try to inspire Ken. But he's been spending too much time out with Suzanne, doing stuff he hates, so he is always too tired to get anything done. In a moment of desperation, Ken winds up turning in Liz's story with his name on it. Mr. Collins doesn't find anything suspicious in this or recognize his prize student's writing style, and he turns the story in to the student newspaper (The Oracle) for publication in the special centennial issue without Ken's consent. He truly thinks it's Ken's paper ... lord. Liz is horrified and upset, but she feels sorry for Ken and so she's just going to let it slide until he feels like saying something. Don't worry: Ken suddenly gets the inspiration to write, and at the last minute he replaces the copy going to print with his own "story" which is actually the truth about everything that's happened. The whole school is horrified, and Suzanne dumps him. But Principal Chrome Dome, Coach Schultz, and Mr. Collins agree that since Ken was honest, he gets a "C" and can play in the game. And he wins the game. Suzanne is even at the game, sitting by herself since all her ass friends hate football. After the game, Suzanne forgives Ken and he's all ready to be her man again, until she immediately starts trashing football and talking down to him like she has for the whole book. He tells her she bores him and walks away and that's that. It's rather funny.

The sub-plot: It's time for the Sweet Valley Centennial picnic! Jessica is in charge of it because Bruce said it was too much for him to deal with in the last book, what with his girlfriend being held hostage and all. Of course, now that's all over and it's still too much for him to deal with. (Read: his girl's back and they are doing it like rabbits, I'm sure.) At least now we know what the whole point of the Centennial committee is! Too bad there isn't a Centennial Queen pageant for Jessica to compete in. Anyway, Jessica gets Lila to agree to help her with shit (read: do most of it), but then Lila bails on her to go shopping in New York for the weekend with her aunt. Jessica freaks out when her picnic posters show the wrong date and when she forgets to call and confirm her food order with the caterer. She winds up making a ridiculous number of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sets those out with potato chips, and then hides in a bush because she's sure everyone thinks she's an ass. But then Bruce drags her on stage, interrupts The Droids' set, and explains to the whole crowd that Jessica did that to save the Committee more money so that they have more to donate to ... something. The crowd goes wild and Jessica's ass is saved.

WTF: There are some typos in this book. At one point, Elizabeth laughs to herself about how Jessica can be furious with someone one minute, and then suddenly do a 180 and be "unforgiving" when she decides she wants something from the person. Try again, editors.

The centennial might be celebrating Sweet Valley's hundred years, but it appears to be solely for high schoolers.

This is the third regular book in a row where Elizabeth meddles in someone's business. Unfortunately, the next regular book is too. Ugggh.

Ken uses a typewriter to write his story.

It's interesting that Suzanne doesn't know about Ken failing English, since it's all the rest of the school can talk about at the time. At my high school, no one gave a crap about other people's grades.

Here's all of the random secondary characters that we've never heard of before who appear in this book: Scott Trost (sophomore, and receiver on the football team), Allan Partridge and his girlfriend Meg Winters (seniors at SVH and Suzanne's friends), Paul Larchesi (SVH drama kid), Mark Andrews (another fucking college kid, who is trying to get with Suzanne -- of course! The girl selection at SVC clearly sucks), Ted Jenson (another senior who reads a stupid poem about a squirrel), and Joanie Shreeves (a goth kid, although this was before the word goth existed).

Liz is relieved that Jessica didn't try to cook anything for the picnic after the way she poisoned everyone with those mussels. What the fuck Liz! Get over it already! Also, book 20 kind of rubbed it in that Jessica was a great cook who just fucked up that one time. So why does everyone insist on being such a huge asshole about it?

I am tired of having it drilled into my head that Liz is the best writer that ever existed on the face of the Earth. That's the main point of this book, I think.

High school football games don't go into overtime. If they get a tie, they get a tie. I was unaware of this.

Ken and Liz man the kissing booths at the picnic. Ken doesn't even worry about what Suzanne will have to say about him smooching other chicks all day for money. And Liz gets worn out from kissing so many people. Should've put Jessica in there.

I can't help but notice that this is the second rich Suzanne we've had in the series.

Writing this blog has brought me to the realization that I use the words actually and apparently way too much.

The back of the book has an ad for that free Love Letters newsletter. We are told the newsletter contains the "true facts" about Sweet Dreams series authors. "True facts" ... nice redundancy.

The cover shows a totally bored and annoyed-looking Ken. He's wearing a gold chain and he appears to be about to cry and throw a total spaz on Suzanne. Suzanne is kinda pretty, but her hair is hella ugly.

Set-up for the next book: Elizabeth sees a shy girl named Lynne Henry, whom we've never heard of before, standing by the stage looking longingly at The Droids and crying. And, of course Liz is going to get involved. Blaaah. But before that, the twins go to France for spring break, and I hate them.

#26 Hostage!

2010-02-16T18:48:00.000-08:00

This book was the biggest letdown I've had in the whole series so far. It is the stupidest fucking Sweet Valley High story written yet. I can't believe that I can honestly sit here and tell you that book 25 was BETTER than this piece of steaming, smelly, fresh-plopped crap. Holy shit. Did anyone actually read this sack of shit as a kid and think, "Wow! This is a really moving story!" Whereas previous "dramatic" stories like book 7, or 13, or the one where Tricia dies, are just cheesy, and lame, and typical teen drama -- this one is FUCKING DUMB. This book made me seriously question my commitment to finishing the series. It also made me want to throw it across the room. It was genuinely painful to read. I couldn't even laugh at it after a while.

As we learned at the end of the last book, Eddie Strong went to deliver groceries to the Morrow house and was met by a strange woman claiming to be Regina's aunt ... and, he SAW Regina, who's supposed to be in Bern, Switzerland getting her ears worked on. But no one else had any idea that Regina was back in the U.S. Liz is immediately suspicious and she gets Jessica and Bruce all worked up about it. And of course nosy Liz goes to the Morrow estate, where she sees Regina looking scared just after "Aunt Claire" said she wasn't there. Liz tries to talk to Regina, but Claire orders her upstairs and won't let Liz come in or talk to her. Bruce points out that Regina's parents are both only children. Liz calls the police and they check it out, find nothing out of the ordinary, and are annoyed she sent them over there, probably because they still remember bringing "Elizabeth" home from that disastrous date with Rick Andover in book 1. So the three cook up a scheme to deliver groceries to Regina's house in Bruce's black Porsche, and sneak a note into a fashion magazine for Regina. At least they think to hide the Porsche so no one will look and wonder what the hell a grocery store boy is doing driving that. Their letter somehow doesn't fall out until Regina opens up the magazine. Regina responds by hiding a note in her silver compact (because as a rich kid she wouldn't have a plastic one) and throwing it out the window for the Three Musketeers to pick up.

The twins and Bruce learn from her note that Regina was kidnapped from the airport in Switzerland and forced to fly back to Sweet Valley (yes, I KNOW) and her parents are being held in a separate location. Regina can't leave the house on her own because Claire has threatened to have her parents killed if she does. Meanwhile, Nicholas is off in San Francisco with some friend of his named Buddy Ames, so the three little detectives get him to come back and help out, too.

The whole stupid reason for the kidnapping is that Claire and her cronies want a microchip that the Morrows' company has just developed. Rather than just breaking in and stealing the shit, using inside intel, or, I don't know, getting one of the Morrows to hand it over at gunpoint, they've instead decided the best way to do this is kidnap Regina FROM SWITZERLAND, fly her ON A PLANE, and have her go to the Morrows' company and ask them to give her the chip at a designated day and time. Of course, they will also have Mr. Morrow call the company and instruct them to give Regina the chip. There's so much wrong with this storyline that I don't even want to get into it. I'll be going off for ten paragraphs more than usual. So now the kids just have to figure out when, exactly, this plan is to transpire, so they can interfere and hopefully get shot. The only clue they have is the phrase "Money is heaven" which Regina overheard Claire saying on the phone. Of course that really means "Monday at seven" but no one has figured this out yet. Some detectives.

Nicholas and Liz go to spy on the Morrow estate, and see this strange dude coming down the driveway. Nicholas of course takes that opportunity to lay one on Liz so dude will just think they are out for a "romantic drive" and happened to pull over to make out right in front of someone's house. I'm getting a migraine. Later on, Nicholas realizes the strange man is Phillip Denson, whom Mr. Morrow had arrested for stealing from the company several years ago. Now he's out of prison, and he means BUSINESS.

Everyone spends time racking their brains to figure out how to help Regina, rather than give the note to the police and show that they now have proof Regina is in trouble. The twins and Bruce decide to go out to Phillip's house in Fort Carroll and Liz feels guilty about skipping school. I guess it's okay to do it in order to play a trick on DeeDee but not to help your kidnapped friend. Anyway, yeah, you read that right: they're going to go to Phillip's house and confront him ... aaaagh I can't stand this. Then Jessica figures out that Claire's "Money is heaven" really means "Monday at seven" and everyone freaks out praising and congratulating her because they were all too stupid to figure that out themselves. Also, because Jessica supposedly read a lot of mystery novels and that's why she's so good at this. I didn't even know Jessica read. No one in this book acts like themselves. I hate this book.

They pull off the plan about visiting Philip's house. Jessica claims to be doing a stupid school poll, and flirts with Phillip's son Mitch, who's mowing the lawn with his shirt off, to get information out of him. Mitch is all nervous and insists his dad is asleep. Jess sees the Morrows inside the house and they flip out and run away from the windows. Later Jessica gets Mitch, who basically stammers and shakes all over the place whenever she talks to him, to sort of agree to go on a date with her the next Monday, just so she can show up and get Bruce to herd the Morrows out of the house while he's distracted.

So Bruce and Jessica go to rescue the Morrows from Phillip's house on Monday at seven while he's supposedly out helping Claire steal the chip. The plan fails because Phillip shows up unexpectedly and pulls a gun and everyone freaks the fuck out. They get away because Mitch tackles him, and they all run to meet the others at the plant, where Liz is posing as a reporter to try and distract Claire. Claire probably thinks it's weird that a sixteen-year-old is claiming to be a Sweet Valley News reporter. She eventually gets annoyed and pulls her own gun and everyone cries and yells while a nearby security guard goes to lock up the plant and is completely oblivious. Nicholas calls the police and they think he's just making shit up even when he says he's the Morrows' son and he knows for a fact they have been captured. Then the police get a call from Mr. Morrow and are all like, "Oh okay, he just verified your story ... never mind!" What kind of fucking crackpot police force is this! When the police finally fucking come, everyone gets dragged away, and the kids are hailed as "the four heroes." Meanwhile, Regina's mom quickly recovers, where she was practically peeing on herself with fright before, and throws a huge party. Regina is going to stay in Sweet Valley with her love, Bruce, and Elizabeth is moved by their embracing and making out in front of everyone.

Oh yeah, Regina can hear now. Woo woooo.

This book SUCKS. It's horribly written, the plot is ridiculous even for a kid's/teenager's book, and the ghostwriter clearly didn't do much research on the characters before writing it. Jessica and Bruce spend too much time bickering over stupid shit because Jessica gets insulted every time Bruce insinuates dudes are charmed by her, and it's supposed to be cute and funny but it's incredibly nauseating. Also, I think Jess is just still pissed about losing her hymen to Bruce or something. The book is also full of obvious lines like, "The sooner the woman [Claire] suspected what she [Liz] was going to do, the harder her job would be." NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

The subplot doesn't really exist; it's just an arc about Ken failing English that seems pretty out of place. Ken fail English? Unpossible!

We also learned ... that Regina is a 16-year-old junior. I'm only putting this down because I occasionally get confused and think she is a sophomore.

Jessica uses baby oil when she tans (to get more sun). Hellooooo skin cancer.

There's also a scene where Jessica works out to an aerobics record -- yes, like a record on a turntable!

The Wakefields have an extra phone line installed in this book. Jessica calls Eddie on it, while Liz calls Bruce. I remember it used to be a huge deal if you had a separate, private line in your house. But you can't beat Bruce's cordless phone!

Jessica claims her detective skills are better than Liz's because she read Agatha Christie all the time as a kid while Liz read "big boring" novels. Funny, in Sweet Valley Twins, Liz reads "Amanda Howard" mysteries and shit like that while Jessica doesn't read anything.

Nicholas makes the twins nervous by threatening to go punch Claire in the face a couple of times. I'm telling you, this guy's a douche.

Mrs. Morrow quickly recovers from her trauma yet insists that Regina needs a week at home from school to "rest" ... oookay.

Bruce and Regina reunite and see each other for the first time since Regina left Sweet Valley. It's supposed to be amazing that they are together again. Um, isn't Bruce loaded? Couldn't he have just hopped a plane over to Switzerland every weekend? Or during the summer and Christmas breaks that took place since book 18?

Buddy Ames is mentioned a couple of times, but of course we never meet him and probably never will.

There's one scene where Elizabeth takes a carton of milk out of the fridge. Then a few lines later, she pours herself a glass of juice.

I know the whole premise of this book is pretty dumb, but I just have to say ... really, Regina? You went ahead and got on this plane to Sweet Valley with this woman who says she has a gun? I was flying back in 1986, and it's not like the airports didn't have any metal detectors or security measures! What the hell? And WHY would the woman need YOU to get the microchip when she can just force one of your parents to do it? Come on, run away screaming to security or something! What is she going to do, shoot you in the middle of the airport?

I saw the cover of this book when I was pretty little and my sister had it. I remember thinking that some big scary man had come to gag Regina with that rag and that's how she was kidnapped. Then when I was 7, I read Christopher Pike's Gimme a Kiss and decided that, like someone in that book, Hostage's baddie must have had a rag soaked in chloroform to knock her out with. Yeah ... nope. Chalk this up to another cover scene that never happens in the book (see also: book 2o). Also, I think what I thought was a man on the cover is supposed to be Claire, since Regina doesn't really spend much time with Phillip. We don't have to worry about the chest looking manly because we already know that no one in Sweet Valley actually has boobs except that hobag Annie Whitman.

The back of the book has the same old mail-in order forms as usual, and then funnily enough there's one encouraging you to buy Bantam versions of Wuthering Heights, Little Women, and Jane Eyre. The ad is headlined, "Stories of Love That Will Live Forever." It's interesting to see these books advertised in a Sweet Valley High novel.

Next up ... we'll find out what happens between Ken and his new girlfriend, Suzanne Hanlon, who wants to change him. I for one don't care so much. Ken has always struck me as the stereotypical dumb jock, and Suzanne is a completely new character that's never been mentioned before, but we're told she is wealthy and into things like poetry and classical music. Because only rich people like that crap.

Sweet Valley High: The 2008 Series

2010-02-16T13:29:00.001-08:00

As I'm sure anyone reading this is aware, Random House re-started the Sweet Valley High series in 2008, revising and repackaging the series for today's teenage reading pleasure. Unfortunately (or maybe that's fortunately), the series was canceled after the first six books. My friend Leah was sweet enough to pick up copies of 3, 4, and 5 for me several months ago, and I've just now ordered the new 1, 2, and 6 off Amazon! So stay tuned ... because I will be reviewing these as well (mainly the differences). I already know they will change the twins' size from a 6 to 4 and introduce cell phones and email ... but what new outfits will replace the previous 80s-tastic ones? Will the storylines change at all? We're going to find out!

#25 Nowhere to Run

2010-02-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

We're at the 25th book in the series, which seems like it should be monumental. Instead, I was bored almost to tears. The ghostwriter of this particular book has a clean, crisp style that is much better than the melodramatic proselytizing of some of the previous. Too bad he/she doesn't have a better storyline to work with. This is the first time I was so utterly bored with a story that I seriously considered just not finishing it. At least you are guaranteed a shorter post to read either way!

Emily Mayer is the drummer for The Droids. She and her father have been pretty close ever since her mom up and left them when she was a little girl. This embarrasses Emily, because only perfect families are acceptable in Sweet Valley, so she lies and tells everyone that her mom died when she was young. But now her dad has remarried. His new wife Karen is very harsh on Emily, and her dad just steps back and takes it, revising all his old rules to let Karen rule the roost. Even worse, Emily has a new baby half-sister, Karrie, who's always crying and screaming and shit. You know, like babies do. Lately, Karen has been pretty unfair to Emily, who's a good kid, and she's hinted strongly at sending Emily away to a boarding school.

Well, leave it to Elizabeth Wakefield to be in the perfect position to help somebody! Who else would Emily lean on? Certainly not Dana, who doesn't get what Emily's problem is, and not Dan, who Emily thinks would think less of her. Max and Guy don't make any appearances here other than asking why she didn't show up for band practice, and all that jazz. And it appears Emily has no other good friends outside of The Droids. But Liz is just so UNDERSTANDING! She gets that Emily doesn't really want to write for the school paper and is only doing it because Karen thinks it's what she SHOULD do rather than banging on her drums all day. Of course, she gets this by automatically assuming that a drummer couldn't have any other interests *eye roll* In this case she's right, but way to go, ghostwriter.

Since we can't have a secondary character story without a love interest for them, the ghostwriter pairs Emily with Dan Scott, the bass player for The Droids. (Haha, their band name is especially funny now that I have a Motorola Droid smartphone.) Emily really likes Dan, but Karen keeps imposing a curfew that prevents her from getting to band practice or hanging out with him one-on-one. So Emily invites Dan over when she thinks Karen won't be home, but of course Karen catches them (just playing drums) and makes a huge nasty scene. She implies Emily is acting like a "tramp" just like her mom, and she also exposes THE TRUTH about Emily's mother to Dan, totally humiliating her.

Emily threatens to run away from home, her father threatens to put her drum kit (with its brand new cymbals) out on the street, and Emily relents and decides to act exactly like Karen expects in order to avoid being sent away to boarding school. She quits The Droids and pushes Dan away when he tries to help her. She asks Elizabeth to help her sell her drums through The Oracle, but then Dan gets his friend Jamie (a sophomore at Palisades High) to buy them off of her so she won't lose them for good. To make a long story short, Elizabeth and all of the Wakefields get involved in Emily's story, and they actually act like mature responsible people rather than just showing off how much better their family is.

Emily is at home with Karen when Karrie nearly chokes to death on a loose button (on a dumb doll Karen stupidly gave her) and Emily saves her with the Heimlich maneuver. But Mr. Mayer only appears just in time to see everyone crying afterwards, wrongly assumes Emily tried to hurt Karrie, and tells her to get out. Emily flees to the Wakefield clan and announces she's running away to Chicago to find her mother, but when she tries to track her down, she finds her mom was remarried two years ago and is most likely in Mexico. Meanwhile, Elizabeth calls Mr. Mayer, the Mayers come over and say they know what really happened, and Karen cries and apologies to Emily with everyone watching. She explains that she felt threatened by Emily and wasn't fair to her, and the Mayers make up while everyone watches. The Wakefields then have the Droids set up all the band equipment -- including the drums, which "Jamie" (who I think we're supposed to assume doesn't exist) didn't want after all -- in the dining room to surprise Emily. She and Dan get together, but we're cheated out of that first kiss. Oh darn.

The sub-plot is horrible. Ned's parents come to visit and start taking the twins out to do all kinds of cool shit. Alice suddenly gets terrified she doesn't spend enough time with them and that the twins don't really need her anymore. So, Ned has the twins ask their mom to help them coordinate a big surprise party for their grandparents (which soon becomes Emily's party as well). Liz also asks Alice for advice about Emily's situation. This causes Alice to feel more loved and she gets out of her funk. And that's the whole story.

WTF? Let's start with the word "tramp"! I think that's a new "bad" word for SVH, but I'm not sure. I feel like Jessica used it at one point. Regardless, it was nasty of Karen to say, but Emily seems to think Karen might be right about her mom. I guess the ghostwriter left some backstory out here, because I didn't get the impression the first Mrs. Mayer ran around on Em's dad or anything.

In book 24, both the stepmother and the baby were named Karen. In this book, baby Karen has been changed to Karrie with no mention of her being called Karen before.

Emily says Karrie is her stepsister, but she's actually her half-sister.

When Emily first comes over to the house, she winds up telling all of the Wakefields, including the grandparents, her story. I found it a pretty touching scene in spite of myself. Also, when the Mayers come over to the Wakefield house and Karen apologizes to Emily and everyone, I thought it was a sweet scene, probably because it's doubtful this would happen in real life. Karen was just too nasty to do an about-face like that without some serious therapy. Maybe almost losing her baby made her think about it a little harder. I do wonder why Mr. Mayer didn't apologize to Emily though. He definitely should have.

We meet another brand new secondary character named Eddie Strong, who's a sophomore like
Regina (and like the mysterious "Jamie"). Sometimes I think Francine just wants to go out of her way to prove the school has more than one grade. Eddie works at the supermarket and tells Liz about how he saw Regina back in town. I guess that's his sole purpose.

Grandma Wakefield gives us some Wakefield history when she tells Emily that she married Ned's dad, Bob, after his first wife died in a train accident. Bob had a son named Louis from this first marriage, who is Ned's older half-brother. Ned's real first name is Edward and he's at least 11 years younger, most likely more. And Grandma Wakefield admits she has never told this story to the twins before. (I'm detailing this in particular because when I get to the Sweet Valley Saga series, I'm going to see if all of this is still in there!)

When Liz decides that telling Mr. Mayer Emily is over at the Wakefield house is the right thing to do (following the blowup where he told her to get out), Jessica calls her a "rat" and runs out of the room. I'm surprised to see Jessica standing up for Emily after she blackmailed her in book 3. Also, Jessica should know better than anybody the consequences of running away.

Emily saves Karrie by slapping Karen "as hard as she could" across the face to force Karen to give her the baby. This is explained as something Emily was taught in her CPR class - to slap someone out of shock - but I have a feeling it was very cathartic for her as well.

I already noted that Emily saves Karrie by performing the Heimlich. I had always been taught babies were too small to get the Heimlich and you were supposed whack them on the back ... that's how my mom stopped me from choking to death on a marble once. Maybe the rules were different when this book was written.

There's a funny scene near the end where Bruce brings out a cordless phone and shows it to Liz, calling it his dad's "latest toy" and explaining to her that you can carry it with you anywhere. Liz jokes that they've got to make sure Jess doesn't find out about it. That's January 1986 for you. :)

The cover is appropriate, but Emily doesn't look like a drummer for a hot rock band. She looks twelve. Liz is wearing her dumb barrettes again, like she does on every cover where she's doing the condescending "let me help you" shoulder grab. She looks so much like this girl I went to high school with, only blonde instead of brunette. Neither she nor Emily have any boobs. Also, I distinctly recall reading early on in the book that Emily is at least a couple of inches shorter than Liz, who's 5'6". Yet here Emily looks taller. Also, as usual no one's eye color matches what it's supposed to be, but I'm so not getting into that.

Next book will be way more exciting ... as Eddie told Liz, Regina is back in town with her aunt, but no one knew she was coming back from her ear treatments so early. Liz goes to see her, but the Morrows' gate is padlocked. Liz informs Bruce and they call the Morrow mansion, where a strange lady answers the phone and says she's Regina's aunt and Regina isn't there. But Regina doesn't have any aunts. Something's definitely up! Time for Detective Liz to get to work!

Super Edition #2 Special Christmas

2010-02-15T10:25:00.000-08:00

It's time to meticulously chart every detail of another Sweet Valley Super Edition. This one is easily one of the most contrived ones I've read yet. Get ready!

It's Christmas time in Sweet Valley and the twins are still juniors, despite their also being juniors during the last spring break. Yeah, yeah, it's like a comic strip -- they never age until a new SV series is needed. Anyway! That last spring break took place in book 11, when Suzanne Devlin visited and proceeded to traumatize Sweet Valley forever. (You can read more about her in my review of that book.) This would be but a distant memory for all the Sweet Valley kids, but now Ned and Alice Wakefield have done their children the ultimate "fuck you" gesture by agreeing that Suzanne can stay at their house for the holidays in order for her to have a chance to convince the town to forgive her. (Mr. Collins has apparently already forgiven her for accusing him of trying to rape her -- chump.) Steve finds out and exposes the plan to the twins, who desperately try to convince their parents to keep Suzanne from coming. It doesn't work, and so they then force Liz (by way of tickling - ew) to call Suzanne and try to convince her not to come. Liz is too nice about it, so Suzanne continues with her plans to visit. It would've been better if Liz had been a complete bitch to Suzanne on the phone, but since she wasn't, the Wakefield kids and their friends decide to be as bitchy to Suzanne as possible while she's there to make her want to go home early. They appear especially concerned for the welfare of Winston Egbert and Aaron Dallas, who had crushes on "Suzy" last time. I guess those guys can't man up and get over it. And what the hell did Suzy do to Aaron anyway, except go with him to a dance and get bored with him?

Meanwhile, there are plenty of other Christmas festivities planned at SVHS, which is funny because I'm reading this in politically correct 2010, and there's no mention of any other winter holiday at all here. Hahaha. There's a Secret Santa giveaway that apparently only involves the junior class (despite the book's claim to the contrary), a big dance at the Patmans' mansion, a holiday parade, and a "Miss Christmastime" pageant. Another beauty pageant?! Aside from trying to sabotage Suzanne, Jessica is busy crushing hard on a German exchange student named Hans and engaging in a stupid war for the Miss Christmastime title and rights to ride in the parade float with Lila Fowler. Liz just wants to get her hands on Todd and his "coffee-brown eyes" - he's visiting Sweet Valley again and staying with Ken.

The story of Suzanne takes up most of the book, with the kids getting progressively more assy as they try to think of a good way to get her to go home. They:

Go all summer camp pranks with plans to short-sheet the bed and put burned-out lightbulbs in Jess's room while Suzy is staying there. That'll get her.
Have Aaron and Winston send Suzy "Secret Santa" bullshit like a note telling her to go home, a gift box with nothing in it, and a prank call
Have Aaron ask her to a party at his cousin Eddie's house, then give her directions to an abandoned, supposedly haunted house on Forrest Lane (which I guess must be in the area of town Betsy Martin and Annie Whitman live in, haha, since it's a "bad area")
Generally act like jerks to her, making snide comments and pretending they forgot she was coming and where she is from

Of course, Liz feels bad about it the whole time, and Steven eventually feels so bad he drops out of these childish schemes. But the joke's on the kids. Oh my lord, this is just so dumb. It turns out Suzanne found out she has multiple sclerosis and that's why she is so desperate to make amends with everyone in Sweet Valley. She explained the situation to the Wakefield parents, and they actually agreed to keep this a secret from the kids so that Suzanne could get them to forgive her on their own terms. Come on Suzy, why didn't you just write them a letter and let it go? The Wakefield twins do notice that Suzanne looks pale and too thin, but she pretends she was on a diet recently, which of course gets Jess to suggest putting butter in her food to make Suzanne fat. Why am I not surprised? Getting fat in SVH (read: gaining half a pound or more) is the ultimate punishment. When they notice that Suzanne has a lot of prescription meds and gets dizzy a lot, Jess does what anyone would do and tells people she is a drug addict.

It gets better. It also turns out that Suzanne and Todd met again in Vermont about a month ago, when Todd and his new friend Jerry Peterson went on a ski trip to "Killington". We get a flashback of this scene and see how Jerry tried to get with Suzy but struck out, but Suzy did hang out with Todd. She apologized for her previous behavior and Todd almost kissed her until she suddenly mentioned Liz and shocked him back to reality. But there wound up being major sexual tension between them, heh heh. So now Todd can't look at Suzy without flipping out because he's fallen in love with her, and Suzy stupidly drops a fucking vase of Jessica's flowers when she sees Todd at the Wakefield house. (Apparently Suzanne understands that Todd has some kind of boner going on for her, although I still don't get why she would react that way at seeing him. Seriously, her melodramatics are getting a little tiring.) Todd hasn't said anything about seeing Suzanne to Liz, so Jess determines Todd had some kind of "tryst" with Suzy behind Liz's back, but decides not to tell Liz so she won't hurt her. But of course, in reality, Todd and Suzy didn't even kiss. I think it's a huge shame that they didn't; that would throw some real drama in the mix and teach Liz to run off with Nicholas Morrow all the time. Hahaha.

In the end, the last prank -- the "Get Suzy to go to abandoned shack" trick -- fails when Suzy's medicine mixes with the champagne she had and she passes out and wrecks the Fiat on the way there. Everything comes out and Jessica is immediately horrified with herself, but you know she'll pull this shit again at some point. Liz has decided she and Todd don't belong together anymore, and as the Wakefields rush to the hospital to see if Suzy will be okay, she realizes Todd is in love with Suzanne and is surprisingly okay with it. (I call bullshit.) Of course, Suzy's condition goes from "seriously injured" to "concussion" and everything there seems A-OK.

At the Patmans' big party, Todd and Liz can agree their feelings aren't quite the same and finally end their boring, drawn-out long distance relationship, and Todd and Suzanne start dating later. Honestly, I think Liz would be pretty pissed off that Todd never told her about meeting Suzanne before, but hey! IT'S CHRISTMAS! THE SEASON OF GOODWILL! (That's what the Wakefields keep rubbing in their kids' faces, anyway.) Mr. Collins tells the whole school about Suzanne's MS at the Patman party and everyone is so concerned ... BUT! The doctors were wrong! Suzanne doesn't have MS! She has .... a RARE COMPLICATION! From MONONUCLEOSIS! They were MISTAKEN! It's going to be okay! She's won't be "trapped in a wheelchair"! It's a Christmas miracle!

I am totally not making this up.

As for Miss Christmastime? Jessica winds up helping as a Santa's elf at the mall on behalf of Pi Beta Alpha, but Lila gets Cara to (unknowingly) give her the wrong info so that she has to stay there way past the time of the pageant. Lila wins, but Jessica gets back at her by switching their outfits on the day of the parade. Jessica gets to ride in the parade and Lila has to ride on another float as the elf. I have no idea how that actually worked out that way, but whatever. It's Sweet Valley - we weren't meant to question it too much (but you know I always do anyway). Lila kind of gets the last laugh though when it turns out that Hans is her Secret Santa -- Winston's was Jess's. Hans appears to have the hots for Lila even though he was smooching Jessica at the Dairi Burger several chapters back. ("Those foreigners really know how to kiss!")

One thing that bugs me is that Suzanne blames her prior behavior on being mad at her diplomat parents for abandoning her so much. She also blames Pete's behavior on trouble "with his parents." Apparently in Sweet Valley World, everyone has a reason for being a dick, and it has to do with not having a perfect family like the Wakefields'.

Some other bullshit: John Pfeifer hits Liz in the back of the neck with a paper ball and she yells "Ow!" Wimp!

Steven and Cara are both in this book, but there is zero mention of the fact that they just started dating in the previous book.

AND, whereas Tricia's death is overly dramatized throughout most of the rest of the series, in this book she isn't mentioned at all. The only reference of her is reduced to "a personal problem" that Steve "had been very busy with" the last time Suzanne visited!

Ken Matthews tells Liz, "Todd Wilkins will be all the Secret Santa you can handle." Liz thinks, I hope so. Am I the only one with a mind dirty enough to see the humor in this?

Here's another one: "Santa's eyes twinkled as he looked Jessica up and down."

The Secret Santa drawings are described as being for the whole school, but everyone who draws the names gets somebody in the junior class (except for Jessica getting Bruce Patman).

Liz frets over what to get Todd for Christmas. She thinks a wallet would be too extravagant, but apparently a watch band wasn't for his birthday a few books ago. Plus, can't you just get some cheapo wallet? I don't think I've ever paid more than 10 bucks for a wallet.

Jessica owes Pi Beta Alpha seventeen dollars in dues, which Liz considers a lot. Uh, really? Yet you guys can afford to use your allowances to get your parents dinner theater tickets (book 20)? And you are shocked when you see a teenager who has to get a job (Ricky Capaldo, book 21)?

Ned and Alice explain to their kids that they can't do anything to stop Suzanne from coming to Sweet Valley. Uh, how about just saying "No"?

Jessica is sheepish about Suzanne's boyfriend Pete attempting to rape her (in book 11) when Steven asks her about it. Of course, we then get the typical paragraph about how she can usually "handle" the boys she dates, but Pete got out of control. Yeah, he's the only one who's done that to her so far! (See book 3, book 5, Super Edition 1, etc.) And once again the book can't use words like "rape" or "sex"!

Speaking of that shit with Pete and Jessica ... Jessica threw herself at him for days, knowing he was dating Suzy, and not knowing that Suzanne was a bad person. So Jessica basically went after another girl's man ... the same thing she thinks Suzanne is doing to Todd. But she always gets away with it because she's a Wakefield. If you ask me, Suzanne is looking like a better person than Jess.

Liz calls Suzanne "Demolition Devlin" and Jess calls her "Devil-Face Devlin"

Ned and Alice are such great parents that they force Jessica to give up her room and bunk with Liz while Suzanne is there. Okay, seriously, WTF! You're already forcing this chick your kids hate on them at CHRISTMAS; now you're going to insist she stay in one of their rooms when there's a perfectly good den and two studies downstairs! (Don't Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield each have their own study?) Jessica complains that the last time Suzanne stayed in her room, it "smelled like perfume for months". Yet Alice insists that "it's the best place" and then immediately insists that Jessica clean up this "best place" because it's too big of a mess for anyone to stay there in its current state! Uh ... so make Liz give up her pristine room then?

Aaron is now dating Patsy Webber. Remember her? She was Todd's serious girlfriend before Liz.

Suzanne thinks to herself that she doesn't want to get in the way of Aaron's relationship with Patsy, yet she doesn't seem to think it's a bad idea for him to take her to the Patmans' dance instead of Patsy. Jessica, meanwhile, tells Aaron that Suzanne wants to "seduce" him. Hey, there's a word close to sex.

When a cop sees Suzy wreck the Fiat, he yells, "Jesus!" Watch your language! Kids are reading this!

Suzanne apologizes to Jessica for what Pete did to her. Jessica's sardonic reply includes, "Well, it's true that I'm not used to that sort of thing ... Out here in small-town America, that sort of thing just doesn't happen every day." LIES!

Enid comes to the Dairi Burger with another date, Chip Ettelson, a freshman at Sweet Valley College. Honestly, these SVC kids must troll the halls of SVHS for fresh jailbait.

Olivia Davidson's Secret Santa has the swim team serenade her at the Dairi Burger. Stan Richards is one of the swim team members. Who the hell is that?

Liz claims she has "never really been the jealous type" which is a HUGE LIE.

I don't want to go into the whole MS vs. mono shit. But I will mention that Suzanne's doctor flies in from New York to check on her or something after she's in the hospital, and breaks the news to her. I find that weird, but I find it even weirder that no one mentions a lawsuit for medical malpractice (with "I'm Every Lawyer" Ned taking the case, of course).

Suzanne was over-the-top sweet to everyone in book 11, but it was part of a fake act; she was just trying to fuck with them. Now she's still over-the-top sweet, but it's supposed to be her natural behavior. Give me a damn break.

Finally, Ned Wakefield has an obsession with decorating their tree in blue and silver, and the Patmans' tree is decorated that way at their dance. I have Jewish friends who decorate trees and bushes that way for Hanukkah. And that's the closest we have to a multicultural reference in this book, and I'm sure the ghostwriters didn't even realize.

The cover is very appropriate for the season, but Liz's eyelids have some weird creases in them, and Jess's hand looks odd all up on her shoulder like that.

The back of the book has a contest to be a Sweet Dreams cover girl. Must be a perfect size six.

Next, we'll get back to the regular schedule with Emily Mayer's problems at home. And by the way, I think it's weird that Todd and Liz's official, "final" breakup happens in a Super Edition. Just sayin'.

New Goal

2010-01-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

My new goal is to finish all of the Sweet Valley books by early 2011, when, according to Shannon's Sweet Valley High blog (now at http://shannonsweetvalley.com/), the latest series update, Sweet Valley Confidential is supposed to come out! Yes! Given that these books are all superfast reads, that is totally doable as long as I stay focused ... gotta stay focused. I'd also like to read the "extras" I have - two TV series tie-ins, a "Meet the Wakefields" book, the SVH Slam Book, and the six "redone" SVH books from the '00s - as well as some old S.V. Twins and Kids books I have lying around at home, and maybe a Unicorn Club or two. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! :)

#24 Memories

2010-01-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

This is the first cover that shows Cara. She's got a totally 80's-tastic feathered hairdo and bangs, and appears to have some fuzz on her upper lip. Her outfit is interesting. Steven looks like an SVH teacher rather than an 18 year old (or 19 year old, depending on which book you are reading).

Cara's parents split up in the last book and her dad moved away with her brother, so she has changed, apparently. Now she's caring and understanding (and still boring). She "understands what it's like to lose someone" even though you know, her dad and bro are still alive and all. She's also moved to a new apartment with her mom, which confuses me because I would think her mom would just keep the house. Well, what do I know. Cara still really likes Steven, and he's started to genuinely like her. But Steven has been hanging out with Betsy hardcore so they can talk all about Tricia, and Betsy doesn't approve of Steven dating anyone else ever again.

Jessica still hates Betsy and she still wants to set Cara up with Steve, even though she apparently couldn't care less about Cara's problems. She never talks to her about them and just rolls her eyes whenever Cara seems "nice". You're such a great friend, Jessica!

Meanwhile, Liz also doesn't want Cara and Steve together, because she's convinced Cara is a gossipy ass. I'm sorry, but who is it that writes "Eyes and Ears" again? Steven yells at Liz for being judgmental, and it's TOTALLY AWESOME!

There is a high school charity volleyball game between SV and their rival Big Mesa, and Steve, who loves hanging around high schoolers, goes to the follow-up dance at the Caravan with his senior friend Artie (not like THAT). Cara eagerly talks to Steven and he ignores her and makes her feel like an ass because Betsy Martin shows up. She, too, just loves going to high school events and is apparently home all the time. Is she done with art school already? (She's still dating Jason Stone by the way) Artie has a crush on Cara and they dance and she agrees to go on a date, then begs off because she doesn't really like him and we never hear from him ever again. Steve apologizes to Cara for being a dick, she understands, they start dating but take it slow which she understands, and he wants to hide it from everyone and she understands. She's just so damned understanding! They go to the Valley Inn for Cara's birthday (her sixteenth or seventeenth? Still jailbait either way) which was apparently Tricia's favorite place, and her favorite song "Always" plays while Steve is dancing with Cara. Steve flips out and dashes out of the restaurant leaving money for the meal but not for Cara's cab ride home. Class act Steve. Cara is humiliated once again, but for some reason, still wants this sad mopey dude. So of course, Betsy gets a talking to from Liz and she then arranges to reunite the two would-be lovers on the steps of the high school using mysterious, anonymous notes. She also has Teddy Collins present them with drawings of one another. They get together as Tricia smiles down ...ew.

If you think the sub-plot might provide some kind of reprieve from this mess, think again!There are two dumbass storylines. In one, Elizabeth sees Michael Sellers, a Big Mesa volleyball player who's on the opposing team, around Sweet Valley and then in the charity game. He looks so much like Todd that she gets obsessed. She fucks up most of the game and he notices her and Jess is all over that and encourages Liz to bone him. However, at the dance Michael acts like an ass and Liz finally dumps him to hang out with Winston, realizing how silly she was being. I think she was being positively mental myself. Liz, you need help.

The second storyline involves Jess overhearing her mom talking to Winston's mom Sharon about her movie director brother who is coming for a visit. Jess worms her way into Winston's house and life in order to meet said director, and it's pretty creepy. Although Winston has always had a crush on her, he is suddenly less dazzled by her and curious about why she wants to hang out with his 40 year old uncle Marty so much. It turns out Marty isn't a director -- that's the OTHER brother Phil, who wound up having to fly to Europe instead -- but a civil engineer working on a trash project. Jess has to sit through an hour of talking about trash after telling Marty she's very interested in his work. She is so upset afterwards that she can't eat until Liz agrees to treat her to a giant Dairi Burger meal, which of course will not stick to her perfect size six frame at all. Meanwhile, everyone now thinks Jess wants a piece of Winston, and she is humiliated. Didn't they already think that in book 2? She lived through that one! Cut the melodramatics, Jess! You need help also.

Here are some other things that we learned from this book:

-Jessica has a "brown princess phone" which I guess is supposed to match her "Hershey Bar" brown-painted room. Fug-tastic.
-Alice laughs and tells Jess something like, "Oh Jess, you know I never rely on you for anything." HAHAHA, IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE!
-At the dance at the Caravan, "Elizabeth walked over to Enid, who was standing on the sidelines." If that isn't a line to sum up the entire friendship, I don't know what is!
-Enid feels sorry for herself because she isn't dating anyone. Guess it didn't work out with that Paul dude in the last book.
-Lila is apparently a stellar volleyball player, because of course they have their own court at home.
-In a jaw-dropping moment, Steve learns from his dad in a heart-to-heart that he is named after his father's best college buddy, who was killed their junior year in a car accident. Yes, Ned named his kid after his dead friend, and Steven just now learns about this. But Steve is basically just like, OK, whatever Dad, thanks for trying to relate. WTF!!!!!
-What type of fucking law does Ned Wakefield actually practice? He is conveniently involved in saving the school football field in book 1 (civil law/property law?) AND arguing for visitation rights for Ricky Capaldo's grandparents in book 21 (implying family law). We are told at one point (again, I think book 1) that he does deal with civil cases, but then, in this very book I believe, we hear that he has to spend his day reading up on a case he is "defending." Many books later, we learn he deals with CRIMINAL law. WHICH IS IT?

Back of book: Ads/order forms for Caitlin, SVH, and Sweet Dreams Winners.

Next: Emily Mayer, drummer for the Droids, is upset because her dad and stepmom want to send her to a boarding school. Also because her new baby half sister's name is Karen and her stepmom's name is also Karen and the baby cries and keeps her awake ... and I think we are supposed to care about this. However, before we can even get into the story, we have an awesome Super Edition that was published first! YES!

#23 Say Goodbye

2010-01-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

I currently feel like I'm stuck in an arc of the dumbest SV books ever. Yes, I know they're all kind of dumb. I'm doing this SVH project out of a mixture of love/hate, the same way I love to watch shitty low-budget horror movies on the Sci-Fi (or is that SyFy) channel. But every time I thought about reading this sad tale of Liz losing her precious toolbag Todd, I wanted to retch. We learned in the last book that Todd was moving away because he read a stupid poem or some shit at the talent show in front of everyone. Yes, he and his family are moving to Vermont. He sells his Datsun and the family takes off like, one week after the announcement. Elizabeth is mopey and miserable and Jessica can't stand it. Of course, her main motivation is that she doesn't like Todd after he chose Liz over her in book 1. Waaaah. So, Jess decides that she will have Nicholas Morrow replace Todd -- we already know that Nicholas is in love with Liz, since Liz gave in to his overly pushy, creepy tactics in book 14. Barf. It's also pretty funny that Jessica wants Nicholas to replace Todd when Nicholas also chose Liz over Jess! Shouldn't she be pissed about that also, since she throws such a tantrum over Todd as well as Bill Chase choosing DeeDee over her? (Why do they keep insisting that Jess always gets her man?)

After Todd leaves, Jess tells him when he calls that Liz is miserable and that it's in her best interest for Todd to leave her alone. Because Todd is stupid and apparently doesn't remember what a scheming bitch Jessica is, he falls for it and just stops calling and writing. Because Liz is stupid and spends all day writing to Todd and hanging around waiting for his call, she doesn't even get mad at his sudden silence, and instead just assumes he stopped loving her. She starts going out with Nicholas and basically throwing herself at him. Meanwhile, Todd plans a surprise visit to Sweet Valley, where he of course finds Liz dreamily slow dancing with rich, creepy Nicholas. I'm serious -- he gives me the heebie jeebies! Nicholas realizes Liz is still in love with Todd and leaves them be. Durrrr - was she really supposed to get over "coffee-colored eyes" Todd that quickly! Liz finds Todd at his old house later and they make out and decide they won't strictly decide that neither can ever date anyone else -- they'll stay together but put it on a "let's see as we go along" basis, making Enid, Jessica, their parents, and everyone else in Sweet Valley happy as that's what they've been insisting they do all along.

The cover: Liz looks like a crying mess, which is appropriate. She always wears those dumb matching barrettes. Todd actually doesn't look like a tool. He does look a lot older than 16, but that's typical. The way he's holding Liz's hand makes her look super fragile. The cover is bright yellow which seems inappropriate given the sad subject matter.

The subplot: Jess ran up her parents' charge account for a new outfit from Lisette's and has to get a job to pay it off. She works for a matchmaking company and of course everything there is pink. She starts snooping around in everyone's lives and trying to find Steve a new match, completely against company rules I'm sure. She calls three women and tells them about Steven, then asks them not to inform him how they got his number -- uh, okay. She stupidly picks these three: Beatrice Barber, a 40 year old who calls Steven nonstop, Jody MacGuire, a punker chick who randomly shows up at the house and blows Jessica's cover (which of course infuriates Steve, who is home too much anyway), and Melissa Porter, a girl who apparently loves food (read: fat) so much that she decides to not even pursue Steven. We can see that despite book 21, Jessica is really up to her old tricks again! At Lila's party, Jessica is stuck with some nerd named Spence Millgate who misrepresented himself to the matchmaker agency (just shocking), and Steven is dancing with Cara until Betsy Martin throws a fit over it, and we are all ready for book 24.

This book was just odd. It was more interesting than I thought it would be, though. Thank God for silly side plots. Seriously, why is Steven home so goddamn much? What a loser!

Back of book: Nothing interesting.

Next: Cara and Steven find themselves together again ... but this time there's not one, but two Martin sisters in the way.

#22 Too Much in Love

2009-12-22T09:33:00.001-08:00

In an effort to make these posts somewhat easier to read, I'm condensing them a little. That's easy to do with this book because it's as boring as it looks. DeeDee has gotten some kind of complex about independent women because she thinks her dad left her mom for being too "her." Now she's scared shitless that Bill might ditch her, too, even though he actually loves her for her feisty, stand-alone nature. DeeDee ditches her art classes, hangs around Bill all day, refuses to make decisions without his consent, and is a general pain in the ass. When DeeDee hears that Bill went on a "friend date" with Dana Larson, who's apparently already attached to some older dude from out of town, she flips out. (And of course she hears this from Jessica, who still hates DeeDee for "stealing" Bill from her.) They break up, and I'll give you one guess who steps in to save the day! Elizabeth is in charge of a talent show (who else would do it?), and she fakes being sick so that DeeDee - who's reluctantly in charge of the designs - will have no choice but to step up and take control. Or, you know, she could've just broken down and ruined everything, but this is Sweet Valley. DeeDee saves the show, Bill is impressed, and they get back together. Clap clap clap. DeeDee also makes up with her best friend Patty Gilbert, who I believe is the lone black character in the entire series so far, and who I also don't think we've ever heard of before!

The sub-plot revolves around Alice and Ned going away for a week and leaving the twins by themselves; I guess they assume Elizabeth will stop Jessica from getting too wild. But Jess promptly breaks the washing machine and causes a grease fire in the kitchen. (I guess we've seen the end of the "Jessica is a gourmet chef" arc.) To top it off, Jessica decides to throw a wild party. Liz whines that she wants nothing to do with it but doesn't really do anything to halt it. You can already tell she's going to get off scot-free when things go wrong. (She apparently never learned anything from the one they threw in middle school ... "THE BIG PARTY WEEKEND" anyone?) Lila promises to get her college sophomore boyfriend Drake to bring some of his frat brothers, and Jess is SHOCKED when they show up with BEER! Well, I am SHOCKED that frat boys would even have any interest in attending some 16-year-old's party. While Jessica frets that they are out of soda (yes, she really does!), Lila flirts with some senior smart dude named Peter West, then makes out with Drake on the couch for half an hour while Peter scowls. A "skinny senior" named Louisa dances "wildly" with Drake's friend Ted and then pukes in the precious Wakefield toilet, which is now tainted forever. Winston puts on a magic show for all the nerds at the party and promptly breaks a crystal vase. Someone else spills beer all over Mrs. Wakefield's interior design plans. The police come and, get this, they don't even really give a crap. I would think in this town, they'd consider this a major offense. But all they demand is that someone who is 18 or older take responsibility -- and wouldn't you know, Steven shows up in the nick of time. Then the officers basically laugh it off and walk away. Uh, okay. The twins get DeeDee to retrace the ruined plans so that Mrs. Wakefield is never the wiser. But as for that vase? Rather than just making up a story about how it got knocked over or something, Jessica goes ahead and confesses the whole thing to her parents! I guess they would've heard about it from the neighbors eventually anyway. She catches only a tiny amount of shit for it, and Elizabeth gets absolutely none, even though she didn't exactly bar the door.

I get that this book is supposed to warn girls about losing their sense of self to a boy. But seeing as the message is coming from a series that repeatedly insinuates girls also aren't anything special unless they have a boy who loves them, I think that's laughable. So is the fact that the ghostwriter keeps rubbing it in that DeeDee isn't pretty and that's not why Bill loves her (in case we couldn't already tell from her weird eyes and pseudo-mullet on the cover. I wonder if Amanda Bearse modeled for it, not to slam her but it kind of looks like her). Bill even thinks to himself at one point that DeeDee isn't that pretty, but that's okay because he loves her spirit, or some shit. OKAY! WE GET IT! SHE'S NOT A WAKEFIELD!

This book also introduces us to a slew of brand new one-shot characters. I'm sure we won't hear from most of them ever again! This includes some dude that Enid has a date with named Paul. I guess they're trying to make sure that she doesn't come off as THAT big of a loser. And Patty and her college boyfriend Jim double-date with DeeDee and Bill, and I'm sure Jim must've dumped Patty after he saw what dumbass friends she has ... and realized he's dating a 16-year-old.

So, what's happening in the next book? Let me set it up for you. The talent show rolls around and is a huge hit, of course. Todd gets up on the stage after acting weird all week and reads a stupid goodbye poem and starts bawling. Yes, he's moving, and this was the way he decided to announce it to everyone (except Liz is too stupid to figure it out until he spells it out for her)! Will his love with Liz survive? God, let's hope not.

Super Edition #1: Perfect Summer

2009-12-22T09:32:00.000-08:00

Oh God, do I have to read this? That was my first thought upon looking at this book. You see, I already read it once before, and it was rather craptastic. I've always loved a good Super Edition, but this one was really stupid. In the interest of keeping with my goal to read (or re-read) every single SVH book from beginning to end -- to make sure I don't miss any of the excruciating little details! -- I went for it. You know I can't miss a chance to over-analyze this one along with all the rest!

So, here's the gist of it. The Sweet Valley kids are going on a bike trip up the coast for the summer. I guess Liz and Jess put off those tour guide jobs they were so excited about several books ago. Anyway, we've got Lila, Todd, Olivia, Annie, Bruce, Roger, Principal "Chrome Dome" Cooper's nephew - Ohio kid Barry Cooper, and Bruce's friend Charlie Markus coming along for the ride. Enid and Cara are staying at home so Jessica and Liz can write gossipy letters to them. And, I'll give you one guess who's going to chaperone! That's right, Mr. Roger Collins, and his recent love interest Nora Dalton, who apparently broke up with him recently for an as-yet-unstated reason.

One of the key attributes of a typical Super Special is, along with the holiday season, vacation, and/or momentous event that christens it, we also must have some type of conflict for everyone in the book. So here's everyone's respective problem:

The main issue is, surprise surprise!, Elizabeth and Todd's. You see, early on the trip the class stops at Patman friend Steve Thomas's giant mansion to spend the night (in tents in the backyard -- wtf?), where they meet his over-the-top spoilt rich bitch daughter, Courtney Thomas. Courtney makes a big deal out of being snotty to everybody while openly defying her dad's wishes that she not date a motorcycle-driving baaaaad boy named Nolan Ruggers. Yet when her dad suggests she join the goody-goody SVH trip in order to get her away from Nolan and provide her with discipline, she is surprisingly agreeable to the idea. Elizabeth and Jessica are promptly suspicious, especially when Courtney sucks up to the whole group and spends most of her time either crying and sniffling all over Todd about her terribly rough life (more on this later), or randomly disappearing from the group. Liz is terribly upset and jealous while Todd, total douche that he is, acts like Liz is a complete bitch for not supporting poor wittle Courtney.

Jessica is crushing wildly on a dude named Robbie October (yes, that's really his name!), but every time she runs into him, Bruce calls her out on her shit and embarrasses her in front of him. Robbie is clearly like every other older jackass Jess pursues, but even after she hears that he got kicked out of a youth hostel for tossing beer cans out the window, she still wants to cocktease him a little.

Olivia doesn't really have any conflicts other than trying to support Roger as he and Bruce bicker at one another about whether or not Roger is a "real" Patman. Oh, Bruce, I thought snagging Regina had made you a kindler, gentler Patman!

Barry Cooper is apparently very fat and ridiculously clumsy. He lusts after Jessica and gets picked on by Bruce constantly.

Lila hates Ms. Dalton's guts because she's dating her father again. Roger Collins (as he's referred to pretty much every single time in this book) can't understand why Nora left him and is devastated, but he spends more time ruminating on Courtney and Liz. *eye roll*

Charlie and Annie keep trying to get together, but are stopped by Bruce's taunts about Annie's old slut days. Again, pot calling the kettle black, Bruce. (I have no idea what happened to Ricky Capaldo; Liz's first letter to Enid explains they broke up but are still good friends.) Annie thinks Charlie agrees with Bruce and spends some time sitting around crying about that. I'm not even going to waste time on this plotline, as eventually Charlie explains she just misheard him, and they reunite.

The Liz-Todd-Courtney triangle is unbelievably tiresome. First of all, I can't stand Todd, and this book just proves my point about what a douche he is. He can't seem to understand why his girlfriend is upset that he's spending all his time with Courtney, hugging her on all the rides at Disneyland, and snuggling up to her in her sleeping bag/holding her hand when she cries, very unconvincingly, that her father is a secret alcoholic and that's why he sent her on this trip. He rails against Liz for even daring to express doubts about precious Courtney, and eventually they break up (for at least the third or fourth time, already) when Liz says she can't take it anymore. Of course, we're already on to Courtney after we read a ridiculously stupid letter she writes to Nolan, explaining that she is charming Todd away from Liz so that she can bring Todd home, convince her father she's changed, and then ... go back to Nolan? This plan MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL (and I don't know why I expected it to).

Meanwhile, Jessica hates Courtney's guts, as well as Todd's for making her sister so miserable. She and Lila are initially a team against Courtney and Ms. Dalton (because they're apparently still in grade school), but eventually start fighting after Lila seems charmed by Courtney's fake-alky-dad story. Lila goes out of her way to make Ms. Dalton miserable, doing dumb shit like sticking lime Jell-O in the bottom of her sleeping bag. But she finds much a better tactic after she meets two dudes from Arizona, Pat and Don, at one of the youth hostels, who help her unravel that Ms. Dalton is REALLY Beth Curtis, a young divorcee who left her abusive, rich husband behind and was subsequently shunned by the community when he killed himself later. Now Mr. Fowler has apparently subtly blackmailed Ms. Dalton into dating him again by implying he knows the whole story and will give her away to Ms. Dalton's ex's crazyass family if she doesn't. Nice work, old George. Lila doesn't know that part, of course, so she promptly blackmails Ms. Dalton into doing Lila's share of the daily work. Roger Collins cajoles the truth out of his dear Nora, and all is right with the world again ... yawn. And I'm fairly certain we will never hear of the Beth Curtis shit ever again.

Jessica makes an idiot out of herself to get close to Robbie October, throwing herself at him and then claiming she thought he was someone she used to know named Bart Templeton. Robbie is clearly a huge sleaze, but Jess ... oh, you know how she is. Long story short, the pair sneak off together one night and wind up hopelessly lost and bickering with each other, then trapped in a cave by a giant she-bear. I am not making this up. The rest of the camp goes looking for them and Barry finally proves himself as he encourages the she-bear to chase after him instead. GOD this is dumb.

Courtney throws herself at Todd after he and Liz break up, they make out in the woods, and he somehow fails to notice the smell and taste of the cigarette that she just threw out when she saw him approaching. Later, a huge fire blows up and the kids have to work together to put it out. Liz thinks it's her fault, but it soon becomes clear that Courtney did it with her *GASP* cigarette! Liz exposes Courtney, Todd sees Courtney for who she is, he and Liz make up ... wah, wah. The day is saved.

WTF? First of all -- Robbie October? Is that a porn star name or what?

-The kids spend the night in TENTS IN THE BACKYARD at the Thomases' place. I am shocked Lila and Bruce did not demand more upscale quarters!

-I'm shocked that Jessica, Lila, and Bruce are on this trip at all, come to think of it.

-There's a scene where the kids dance in a canteen to Jackson 5 that is pretty much the most ridiculous thing I have read yet. Liz dances with "Roger Collins", of course. Gag me.

-At one point, Olivia pulls out her guitar. How the fuck can you bicycle comfortably with that thing strapped to your bike?

-The kids have lobster for one of their routine campground stops ... seriously, what the hell kind of bike trip is this?

-Steven and Jessica have a dumb argument on the family's way to drop off the twins for the trip. Jessica yells, "Steve, why don't you make like a seafood special and just clam up." WOW. That's the worst I've read yet!

-Bruce checks out chicks at the hostel and decides to try to pick one up at Jessica's suggestion. Uh ... did the ghostwriter forget all about Regina and how Bruce is supposed to be loyal to her? Hahahaha.

-Robbie has a brother named Danny. I was disappointed they didn't hook Danny up with Lila.

-Lila flirts wildly with a boy named Tom and goes on a "walk" with him. Get it girrrrl

-There was apparently a nerd in Cara and Jessica's math class named Theo who wore polyester pants ... the horror!

-Jessica complains that Robbie tried to "get romantic" with her while they were trapped in the cave overnight, and Lila points out that Jess was "aching for Robbie to get romantic" anyway! HAHAHA! I love when people call Jess out on her shit! It's such a rare occurrence.

-Mr. Collins has to save Ms. Dalton when she sees a stingray and freaks the fuck out rather than just... you know ... swimming away.

-Barry is so clumsy that it's kind of ridiculous. I'm reminded of the stupidity of Bella Swan in the Twilight books. Even after he redeems himself to the group, he promptly wrecks it by spilling hot and sour soup all over everyone at a Chinese restaurant. Of course, we know there's no real place for him in Sweet Valley-land anyway since he's fat, which Jessica and Bruce don't let us forget for a second. Only size sixes here, Barry!

-In case you care, Enid apparently had a summer romance with some dude named Hank.

The cover has the twins striking silly poses with their bikes. Liz looks like a two-year-old in that ugly yellow outfit. Jess's shorts are kind of cute but also look like they are going right up her crotch when she rides ... ouch.

The back of the book announces the Caitlin trilogy and encourages you to stay tuned.

#21 Runaway

2009-12-22T09:28:00.001-08:00

Alright, so we're up to #21 now, and as you may have gathered from the previous book's sub-plot, Jessica isn't doing very well lately. Her family is treating her shittier and shittier, even when she's not her usual messy, bitchy, inconsiderate, flaky self. After last book's mussels fiasco, Jessica has tried and tried again to prove she really is a fabulous cook. She even cooks a delicious-sounding chicken dinner for the Wakefield clan here, but they make stupid jokes as they clean their plates. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is still the delightful good sister, and Ned Wakefield drools over her stupid, obvious opinion about the latest case he is working on (see the sub-plot) while acting like Jessica's is dumb and pointless. If Ned seriously hadn't already thought about what Liz had to say, he is the worst lawyer I've ever heard of.

Let's be real for a sec: Jessica is an inconsiderate bitch most of the time who flies into a ridiculous rage when a boy dares choose someone over her (which happens fairly often), but Elizabeth is a self-righteous, meddling little twat, and her family encourages this while bopping Jessica on the head for doing the same thing. I think a classic scene that illustrates this is in the very first chapter, where Jessica invites Steven (who's dropped out of school for the term) to come to Cara's stupid ass high school party with her so he can have some fun for a change. Steven, Ned, and Alice promptly jump all over her for being inconsiderate until Liz butts in to tell them it was actually her idea and that she had Jessica do the asking for her. Then, it's okay! Jess is correctly pissed about this. She gets really depressed about this (as well as the events of last book), but only Elizabeth notices. Liz actually tries to say something to their parents, but they couldn't care less. But then Jess meets Nicky Shepard who convinces her she is right to be depressed and moody. Nicky runs with a "rough crowd" and is the stereotypical sensitive bad boy. He's so nice that he keeps coming after Jessica even after she and Cara bitchily shun him at the Dairi Burger. This intrigues Jess, and she winds up kissing Nicky in Cara's bathhouse, and leaving with him. Steven comes out to the party, but he avoids Cara and attempts to cock block Nicky as he leaves with Jess.

Jessica grows more and more comfortable around Nicky, who catches her as she goes to see a movie by herself, and she even goes to a party with him in Tierra Verde (another made-up town, I'm sure), where she meets his "wrong crowd" friends. They really just sit around drinking, smoking pot, and gossiping, like typical high school kids, but I suppose Sweet Valley doesn't have any of those. (Of course, Cara had beer at a party in book 12, so frankly, the pot is really the only big difference here.) The party is thrown by Mike, who is the only one there with a common name. The rest are Sheila, who offers Jess beer about five times, June, a straight-edge high school dropout, and then Tad and Susan, who could possibly be getting together behind Sheila's back. Oooooh. Nicky and Jess leave the party early, which is a relief since we all know Jessica can't hold her liquor. Nicky is drunk and wrecks his nice Mustang, and his dad shows up and yells at him about what a loser he is. While his reaction's a little extreme, who wouldn't yell at their kid for driving drunk?

Soon Nicky confides that he's planning to move to San Francisco and start some kind of business with his friend Denny, and he wants Jessica to come with him. Jessica can't make up her mind right away, so Nicky leaves without her and waits for her to join him. Jessica decides to play a game with her family by packing her things and going, but leaving a note behind on her dresser explaining what's happening and apologizing. She figures if they really love her, they'll come after her when they see it. In a typical twist, Jessica slams her door and the breeze knocks the note behind her dresser. Liz figures it out anyway when she sees how uncharacteristically neat Jessica's room is. Of course, the family trusts Liz to lead them in the right direction, so they believe her and everyone flies into a panic looking for Jessica. Their search leads them to the Shepards' house, where Nicky's mom is coerced into telling Ned that yes, Nicky left home, and she doesn't know where and hey, doesn't really care. So Steven thinks to call his friend Joe Seegar who runs with Nicky's crowd ... Steve, what are you doing talking to dregs like that? Smooth Steven gets Joe to admit where Nicky went by claiming he owes Nicky 100 bucks. Hope that doesn't come back to bite you in the ass later, Steve! Steve and Liz rush to the bus stop to find Jess's bus pulling away, where she's crying to herself while a little old lady calls her "honey" repeatedly and buys her teen magazines from the bus stop. The saintly Wakefield siblings chase the bus to Carver City, where they rush onboard and tearfully reunite with their sister, pissing off the bus driver who is tired of everyone's bullshit!

While this book was far more well-written that the rest, the ending is UNBELIEVABLE because the family just laughs and makes joke sabout Jessica's cooking AGAIN after she offers to fix them a nice dinner on the even of her return home. This is AFTER she's cooked them a fantastic meal to make up for the stupid fucking mussels, and received a star certificate (or whatever) from her chef idol, Jean-Pierre. Isn't that part of the reason they got in this mess in the first place? And she just laughs along and encourages them to give her too much money to buy a pizza so she can use the extra to get a sweater. And Ned laughs and agrees that's best, thus enabling her typical shit behavior. Give me a fucking break!

The sub-plot: After Liz's oh-so-brilliant opinion on the case Ned's working on, he invites her to come watch and write an article about it for the school paper. That sounds really professional of him, to get his sixteen-year-old daughter to air her classmate's dirty laundry to the school! You see, the case is about Ricky Capaldo's mother not wanting Ricky's grandparents to see her son. When Ricky finds out about Liz's reporting, he begs her to drop the idea. Now, Liz could've just anonymized everyone in her article, but she is a self-righteous twat who thinks it's her business to air. She even sends Ricky on a guilt trip about not staning up for himself, causing him to launch into a grandiose speech in the courtroom that sways his mother's mind. And he thanks Liz for it and apologizes to her for ... WHAT WHAT WHAT? Liz is such a douche!

The cover is an appropriately dismal shade of gray. I really like Jessica's outfit, and it's nice to see her without makeup and a huge smirk on her face for a change! Not that I laugh in the face of her sadness ...

Random: Jessica is still fooling around with Neil Freemount when the book begins. At this point, Neil is just a side character with no personality, so I think it's funny this has been dragged out for so long!

People are drinking Tab in this book, which is interesting since previously we heard they were always drinking Coke. Jessica must have gained half a pound and freaked out! Or Tab just paid a little extra money to have their brand name mentioned several times within one chapter.

Cara says she is on a diet. I guess she did gain half a pound. Kill me.

Alice says, "I agree that Jess isn't herself these days, but I think it's a change for the better." OUCH.

Although Liz is supposed to be such great friends with Annie, she once again shows she doesn't really give a crap as she has to ask Ricky how Annie is doing these days.

Ned pulls a fucking "Think of the children" line and it makes me want to ruin my book, by projectile vomiting on it.

In the back of the book: My copy doesn't have any ads in the back of it at all. In fact, even the typical "next book" blurb isn't there. That's okay; it's just about DeeDee crying over Bill anyway, so you know it's going to be dull! But before that even came out, we have our very first Super Edition ever!

#20 Crash Landing!

2009-12-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

I read this book as a kid. In fact, I think it was one of the first ones I read.

The cover pisses me off because A) Enid's hair is ugly B) Liz has a mustache and C) THAT SCENE NEVER HAPPENS. I dig Enid's shirt though. I'm being serious.

Well, let's get on with it. Supposedly super sexy Sweet Valley College student George is about to tell Enid he doesn't love her anymore and is banging yet another high school chick behind her back. Given that all the SVC students seem to love scoring with the SVH juniors, I guess that isn't really so strange. Anyway. Before George can tell Enid the bad news -- Robin's already broken up with Allen Walters -- he wrecks the plane in Secca Lake, a favorite Sweet Valley hangout. A lot of people see the crash and are properly horrified, even though it's just Enid and no one really likes her. Okay, that was mean of me. Enid falls and hurts her spine while trying to save George from the sinking plane and is paralyzed temporarily from the waist down. She has surgery to try to fix it, but by then she has figured out that George and Robin are in love when she sees them dancing at the latest big SVH dance, and so she deliberately doesn't get better so that George will feel obligated to take care of her. Yes, she has actually has some kind of psychological block that keeps her from walking, even though physically she should be able to. Liz talks to Enid's doctor and figures it out, and she hatches a crackpot plan to make Enid walk again, which involves having Mr. Collins's son Teddy pretend to drown in the Wakefield pool when only Enid is around to save him. Man, that is fucked up. Also, Mr. Collins just lends Liz his kid without even asking what is going on!

Meanwhile, the Pi Betas figure out that George has been cheating on Enid with Robyn, and whereas before Jessica fucking hated Enid, she now takes it upon herself to lead a snub campaign against Robin. I'm guessing this is really an excuse for payback for the events of Book 4. Robin reacts by eating like crazy and gains at least 15 pounds back which of course automatically makes her a big fatty *eye roll*

In the end, Enid forgives George and Robin and gives them her blessing to get back together, this time in the open. She is so apologetic for her behavior towards the pair of them, even though they were having an affair behind her back. What the fuck ever. Even worse, Liz is hailed as the ultimate hero for "saving" Enid and it makes me want to vomit all over the pages.

The subplot: Jessica and Lila take a cooking class together that they apparently signed up for before the Jack fiasco. Lila still isn't talking to Jess, but they slowly patch it up. Jessica falls for Jean-Pierre, their hot cooking instructor, and Lila eventually softens toward Jess (because she's "too good a friend" ...who tried to steal your fiance) while still thinking she is crazy for trying to ask Jean-Pierre to that week's high school dance. Anyway, it turns out he is married to a redheaded lady named Lizbette (what?) anyway. I secretly think Lila deliberately let Jess get her just desserts with this one. Jess winds up going to the dance with Lila's ex Ken Matthews anyway, so I guess she didn't make out too badly!

Now, Jessica is a great cook who makes shit like exotic mustard in class. She decides to one-up Liz for their parents' anniversary that year by making them an amazing dinner. Since Liz hasn't even mentioned this anniversary, she assumes her sister forgot it this year and that this is her big opportunity to finally look like the caring, reliable, generous daughter. To prep for the big night, Jessica cooks the family a fabulous dinner of mussels. Everyone is already totally suspicious of the meal before she even serves it, and frankly acts like an ass that she is cooking for them. Unfortunately for Jess, she bought bad mussels. Apparently if the mussel shells don't open when you steam them, they're bad and you're supposed to throw them out, but Jess doesn't realize and so she just splits them open herself. The entire family gets ridiculously ill, and to top it off, Jess doesn't get to redeem herself at the Wakefield anniversary because Liz DID remember and has already purchased the parents dinner theater tickets and man, is Jess pissed. Frankly, I would be also! WTF is Liz doing buying a present like that without even asking her sister if she wants to chip in? Also, what kind of allowance do these kids get?

(Am I a bad person because I have never done anything for my parents' anniversary other than said, "Happy Anniversary"?)

WTF? Liz blushes when she finds Ms. Dalton at Mr. Collins's house. I guess the implication that someone in this town is having sex is too much for her.

In the back of the book is the same Caitlin preview that was in the last!

Next up, we'll see Jessica teach the Wakefields to fuck with her!

#19 Showdown

2009-12-22T09:06:00.000-08:00

This is the most disappointing book I have read yet. I wasn't really expecting much from the others, but I couldn't wait to get into a good old catfight. Nope! Not only is the cover a sickening shade of Pepto-Bismol vomit (which unfortunately doesn't show up well here), but it's totally misleading. Jessica and Lila never actually confront each other and ... oh, let's just get into it already.

Jessica hoes herself out to Lila's new love interest, construction worker Jack, right in front of Lila at Lila's thousandth party this year, and Lila just gets annoyed. Come on, bitch-slap a ho! Jack agrees to go out with Jessica when Lila isn't listening. He makes out wildly with J on their romantic beach date, and names a fucking star after her. Jessica is amazed that he isn't trying to get in her panties, as am I. Come on, she practically offered him her vag at Lila's party!

Jack promises to break up with Lila that weekend but instead spends the whole weekend with her. Jessica pouts and Jack says he just had a hard time because she was so upset or something. Jessica buys it because she is a complete moron and they make out some more and probably do a little finger banging. Gross, I'm grossing myself out. Okay, so then ...

Lila gets more serious with Jack and he winds up asking her to marry him. The scene is ridiculous as Lila gets all giddy about her new fiance and then barely appears to shed a tear when Liz finally informs her what is really going down. WTF? Of course, maybe she did cry, and we were just robbed of that scene.

Jack turns out to be a knife-wielding drug user (pills and pot! oh my!) who likes to rob girls at knifepoint. We first become aware of this when Nicholas's old richie school friend, David Matson, visits and thinks he knows Jack. Then he remembers and tells them the story. They rush to save Jessica and there she is with Jack's knife to her throat.

Now, what's the aftermath of all this? Well, the Wakefields just laugh off Jessica's nearly getting killed. Her parents don't appear to be even remotely upset at how close they came to having only one twin, nor do they even get mad at the fact that their jailbait is hanging out at some 19 year old's place. Maybe my parents are the only ones who weren't chill about that shit, who knows.

Here are some other things I said WTF about: Jack steals Mr. Fowler's cufflinks collection, never has any money while he's with Jess, and has red eyes all the time, yet no one guesses he's not what he says he is. Oh yeah, not to mention he's a CONSTRUCTION WORKER who wears nice clothes. Well, he did make up a story about leaving his wealthy family to strike it out on his own, which is why Lila finds him acceptable. It turns out his little sister died and he went crazy afterwards, or something like that. I'm too lazy right now to go dig out the book and find out.

There is a tickle fight between the twins which grosses me out.

The subplot is ridiculous. Penny Ayala's little sister Tina takes mysterious "photos" anonymously for the Oracle and leaves it at the office while Penny is sick. Liz finds out it's Tina and she explains Penny would just make fun of her. Of course, one of the photos is of George Warren making out with Robin Wilson which segues into our next book. Tina confesses to Penny, Penny of course is delighted and Liz angrily confronts the CHEATERS all CHEATERS TV show style ... yeah no but that would be hilarious! George promises to tell Enid when he takes her up for her first (and last) flight with him. Liz agrees to keep quiet until then, but is tormented. And so you also have the lead-in to the next book ... can you guess what might make this break-up a thousand times worse?

The back of the book has the same shit as the last one, with the Caitlin preview and all.

#18 Head Over Heels

2009-12-22T08:54:00.001-08:00

Oh, lord! This one was one of the least exciting of all. Let's hurry and get it over with. So, Bruce and Regina got together in the last book, and are now a full-fledged couple. She is only a sophomore, so of course everyone is afraid Bruce will break her heart, just like everyone else's. Or maybe she's a junior -- I'm fairly certain a future book, or perhaps this one, readjusts what class she is in.

Lila and Jessica, who both dated Bruce in the past, are sure Bruce can't be for real about Regina. Jessica is still traumatized by her brief relationship with Bruce, but I don't think we are going to hear another mention of Lila dating him for quite some time. The two little witches make a bet on when B will dump R, and the loser has to write the winner's term paper. Lila thinks their love is for real; Jess is sure it can't be since Bruce never truly loved HER, after all, and clearly she is the most irresistable chick in school.

Now, in the meantime Regina learns about a new treatment that could restore her hearing. Her family is all about it because her mother feels guilty for destroying her daughter's hearing with diet pills when Regina was still a little fetus. Yes, she took diet pills while pregnant in order to look better as a model ... yikes. But regardless of how much Regina's family pleads, Regina refuses to get this treatment because it would mean she'd have to go to Switzerland for a year and be away from Bruce the whole time. Regina doesn't tell Bruce about the treatment, and meanwhile, Bruce doesn't tell Regina that he's running for Centennial Committee president against Ken Matthews. Do you smell a convenient set-up for a Wakefield scheme?

Let's make a long story short. Jessica wins her bet with Li by successfully breaking the happy couple up herself. She tells Regina about Bruce's run, and that he's deliberately not telling her because he's just using her to make him look good so he can win. (Why wouldn't he tell her anyway? How would she think he was using her if he told her he was going to run? That's really stupid.) Regina cries, throws a bracelet Bruce gave her at him, and confuses the shit out of him because, like most people in this book, she won't tell him the real reason for her anger. She rushes home and makes plans to leave for Switzerland immediately. Jessica crows over her victory, and Lila is stuck writing her paper, which she deliberately fucks up. Jessica gets a low grade while Lila gets a B-something. Hilarious!

Of course, it doesn't stop here. Liz, who's in charge (of course!) of some dumb upcoming school festival, steps in to save the day. She tells Bruce about the treatment and explains what happened to him. Bruce writes his "darling" Regina a letter explaining that he hid his plans from her to surprise her when he won. He further states that she must get the treatments and he will wait for her. I have my doubts about that one, but anyway. Liz goes to see Regina and hides the letter in her carry-on so she won't see it until it's too late to change her mind about Switzerland. And ... all is well. That's the beauty of true love.

There isn't much of a subplot. There's a bit about the Patmans and the Fowlers battling to see who can donate the most, but at the end only 800 dollars is raised ... that's it? El cheapos! And of course we have the storyline leading up to the next book in which Lila meets a hot, mysteriously well-dressed construction worker named Jack, whom she is afraid to introduce to anybody because he's all blue collar, you see.

Now for my WTFs: For starters, I don't like the way they treat deaf people in this book, like they are something to be pitied, but at least it's a learning experience for the kids, I guess. Also, many of the deaf people I have met did not view being deaf as a "handicap." They saw it as just an attribute of theirs and enjoyed the bond they shared with other deaf people. They did not in any way feel something was "wrong" with them. I would like to get a deaf person's opinion of this book.
-Regina has never kissed a boy before Bruce.
-Ken Matthews is extremely pissed and bitter about Bruce running against him.
-Bruce actually wins despite his previous dick status!
-Liz saves the day... I don't get this. Bruce is an ass who is at least an attempted rapist. Yet here's Liz forgiving him after he traumatized her, and seeing him as sensitive.
-A random side character named Donald Essex appears to convince Regina to give the treatment a try. Jessica flirts with him and then there's some stupid mix-up where Donald then sees Liz and thinks she's Jessica and Todd gets all jealous. I'm pretty sure we never hear from him again. Maybe Todd had something to do with this? Hahaha.
-Lila says her father thinks gambling and betting money is "vulgar".
-Regina's mom's name is Skye; reminds me of model Ione Skye.
-Bruce and Regina's makeout sessions are sickening.
-Bruce's mom is an ass to Regina and yells at her even though Bruce has already told her she can lipread ... what a bitch!
-Liz and Todd snark at each other and it's the same old boring shit from before ... yawwwwwn.

The cover is interesting. Bruce actually looks slightly younger than his SVH#3 cover (about 28 or 30 this time), and definitely less rapey. Regina is cute and I actually dig her dress. Is that the same purple dress that Lila was ragging on in an earlier book?

The back of the book has a letter from Francine about her new trilogy, Caitlin, and an excerpt of the first book. Caitlin is a rich, popular snob who is determined to win the heart of Jed Michaels and ... snnnooork, oops, I fell asleep on it!

Next up: Thank god, something more interesting. Lila and Jessica fight over Jack.

#17 Love Letters

2009-08-06T18:05:00.001-07:00

Yes, I know I've been MIA for a while, but I've still been reading all the SVHs. I'm currently on Super Edition #2, so I have a lot of catch-up entries to post. Thankfully, I had already written most of them; I was just too lazy to edit, scan in the books for the pictures, and post. But let's get on with it! Here's book 17, which sounded pretty dumb to me, and it kind of is. It's all about Caroline, the redheaded, annoying gossipymouth who's always hanging around stirring up trouble. Caroline lives to prove to her beautiful older college sister, Anita, that she's really special. Anita apparently doesn't pay enough attention to her, so Caroline starts composing fake love letters from her "boyfriend," Adam, who lives two hours away in Cold Springs. She also shares them with all the girls at school, hoping that they will like her more, but they only seem more pissed off at her. You see, Caroline is a member of that snotty Pi Beta Alpha sorority, but I have no clue how she got in, since everyone despises her. I guess she's that "friend that nobody likes" that Dane Cook did a comedy skit on. Even Winston Egbert (whose old girl Mandy Farmer moved away, by the way) doesn't like her. It's mentioned that Caroline had a secret crush on him once.

Man Caroline, you really suck.

The real reason people don't like Caroline is because she's always running her mouth about people. The same is true of just about everyone else in the school, of course, but Caroline is apparently really bad. She causes a huge showdown between Annie and Ricky when she spreads rumors about Ricky "talking to" Maria Santelli. I don't get it -- he isn't allowed to talk to someone else? Urrrrr. She also makes sure everyone knows that John Pfeifer might be kicked off the Oracle because he pissed off Penny Ayala.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth works on a play about Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Roger Browning for the Junior Playwriting contest. And -- what a coincidence! -- we follow Caroline as she checks books about Roger Browning out from the library, and copies parts of love letters as "Adam's" letters. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Caroline causes more trouble with her gossipyass mouth when she starts a rumor that Bill Chase is getting unauthorized help from Mr. Jaworski for his play entry. Biiiitch, please! Bill has to drop out of the competition, and Liz wins instead. What a shock!

The end result is that the Evil Triad (J, C, and L) figure it out and demand that Caroline bring Adam to Sweet Valley. In fact, Lila even throws a party in his honor. Caroline is miserable, and winds up confessing the whole thing to Anita, who promptly has a heart-to-heart talk with her about her shitty behavior. Caroline sees the light and decides to take the heat for showing up without Adam, but then Liz and Todd bring Todd's friend Jerry Fisher down from Sweet Valley College and ask him to pretend to be Adam! Liz, what the hell? You didn't want to help Olivia in the last book, but now you're all about exonerating somebody else? Even worse, Caroline asks Liz not to read her play for the contest because then everyone will know the truth. Liz goes ahead and reads it, but she seriously considers not doing it! WTF Liz? Anyway, Jerry Fisher posing as "Adam" is handsome and suave. Everyone is totally wowed, but then Caroline actually goes and gets on the mic and tells everybody that Jerry isn't really Adam, and that there IS no Adam! That takes some balls, but I still don't understand why she wouldn't just let it slide. I mean, these kids are dicks anyway! Why not just let them be fooled?

Caroline and Jerry get together and she gets her first real boyfriend ... yawwwwwn.

The sub-plot: Mrs. Wakefield gets a great offer for a promotion at work, that would require her to move to San Francisco. While she's mulling it over, but keeping it a secret from the kids, nosy Caroline GOES THROUGH THE WAKEFIELD TRASH and finds a copy of a letter from Mrs. Wakefield telling the firm she'll "think it over." How did she find that copy so easily? Don't they keep their trash tied in bags? Anyway, the twins are devastated, and after confronting their parents and acting like spoiled brats, they start launching a campaign to remind them what's so great about Sweet Valley. What IS so great? Everyone seems like an ass. Anyway, they have shitloads of brochures sent to them from the Chamber of Commerce. Jessica pretends to break down in the Fiat right at a scenic view so that Mr. Wakefield will have to come up there after her. The twins ask their parents to take them to Tiberino's, the Italian restaurant where Mr. Ned Wakefield proposed to Mrs. Alice Wakefield . And ... drumroll ... it works. Of course it worked, what kind of series would this be without those twins?

WTF? Caroline tells Anita that Cara was at the Patmans' country club dance for Roger with "a real nerd." Oh, Cara! Come to think of it, who the hell likes Cara?

-Caroline lives on the same street as the Wakefields (Calico Drive), and she spends a lot of time hanging around their house and longing to be as fabulous as the Wakefield twins. Give me a break!

-When Liz wins the play competition, the applause is "deafening." That's weird to me. Who cares that much about a play competition in high school?

-Caroline is seriously the most unlikable character, ever. I think we knew a lot of girls like that in high school, who were very unlikeable and blamed it on their looks or whatever, but were actually just plain annoying/gossipy/bossy/demanding/snotty, and nobody could muster up the courage to tell them the truth. Hell, I know girls like that now!

What about the cover? It's a gross peach shade. It reminds me of these shorts I used to wear in the fifth grade with a matching top. Caroline doesn't look as fugly as everyone says she is, but her clothes are hideous ... as are Liz's who looks like she's about to stuff that letter right down Caroline's throat.

In the back: The same old book order forms for the same old series.

Up next: Bruce the womanizer utters sweet nothings, acts a fool

#16 Rags to Riches

2009-08-06T17:34:00.001-07:00

Roger's mom is dead, it turns out he's really the "illegitimate" son of Bruce Patman's uncle, and suddenly Roger PATMAN is super rich and living in the Patman mansion! I'll give you one guess who's all over that. Jessica "Supabitch" Wakefield heads right over to the Patman's party honoring Roger, now that he's a "true" Patman and all. (I guess so long as his mom was alive, he wasn't really a part of their family. What the fuck?) Jessica is ridiculous sucking up to Mrs. Patman. The Patmans, by the way, talk like total snotty idiots. They make Roger feel stupid because he likes to run, wants to be a doctor, and doesn't know which fork is which at the dinner table. Oh, and because he spills wine all over Mrs. Patman's dinner guest. Way to go, Rog! Meanwhile, Jessica is busy trying to make Olivia Davison, Roger's girl, feel equally stupid so she'll figure out that she isn't right for the new Roger. How does she do this? Well, she:

-Pretends to be Olivia's brand new best best friend so Olivia will listen to everything she says about "impressing" the Patmans
-Encourages Olivia to wear her typical artsy/indie clothes to a Patman gathering, and her old run-down sweats to a tennis game
-Starts dressing all preppy again, I guess like she did when she was with Bruce
-Encourages Olivia to play tennis to begin with, so that Jess can show off her skills while Olivia looks clumsy and stupid
-Gets Olivia to get a full plate of food at the Patman barbecue, plus a second plate with dessert, or something, so that everyone will think she is a huge pig. (Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?)
-Somehow gets Olivia involved in a diving contest at the Patman's pool, in which she of course belly-flops while Jess does a beautiful swan dive

Ultimately, Olivia freaks out and dumps Roger, who consoles himself by deciding to take Jessica to some dance at the Patman house (after she makes up a story about Olivia planning to humiliate Roger at the party by standing him up -- and Roger is stupid enough, and apparently doesn't know his girlfriend well enough, that he believes Jessica). Then, he changes his mind with the help of Liz, who was kind enough to shed some light on the situation, and lets Olivia know he still loves her in front of everyone ... awwwww.

The sub-plot: Regina Morrow is seen around town a lot with an older man, and everyone is just scandalized, until it's revealed he's really her modeling agent, and she's going to be on the next cover of Ingenue magazine with a special story about overcoming being deaf. Lila tries to scam the cover from her, but the agent, Lane Townsend, tells Lila her face would "look flat" in modeling pictures. Hilarious! Also, the sub-plot reveals that Regina is deaf because her mother took too many sleeping pills when she was pregnant with her.

WTF? I was surprised that this book had a lot of these. For starters:
*What kind of HS cafeteria serves Hungarian goulash? Apparently, SVHS!
*Bruce wears a little Speedo at the swimming pool, and Todd and George make jokes about how tiny it is, calling it a "Band-Aid" while staring at his crotch. Ummmm ... gay much?
*Liz is a stupid dumbass bitch and thinks that Jessica actually genuinely likes Olivia. Come on Liz, really?
*Jessica is still with Neil or whatever, although not seriously, but she pretty much ignores him in her quest to get Roger to date her. However, thankfully Neil's still there as a safety date to the Patmans' big party once Roger comes to his senses and drops her as his date. Is Neil a loser or what?
*The bottom line is that everyone in this book is an idiot.
*Oh, yeah, I'm confused about something, but I guess I need to go back to book 3 and check ... didn't Jessica hang out with the Patmans before, when she was dating Bruce? So how does Mrs. Patman not have a clue who she is? She must be a total lush.
*When Lila's talking about Regina running around with Lane, she implies that they must be doing it because "everyone knows what older men are like." Seriously? Is no one else having sex in this town except Bruce?

The cover: Roger is wearing a double-popped collar. You gotta be kidding me. I seriously cannot believe what I am looking at. I must not know enough about 80s style. Jessica is wearing the same tank top she had on the last cover, but in pink this time, and she's clearly not wearing a bra. Roger looks like this kid I went to high school with!

In the back of the book: Nothing really.

What's next: Shirtwaist-wearing Caroline (see a previous entry for a picture of a shirtwaist!) apparently has some kind of super romantic boyfriend ... or does she?

#15 Promises

2009-08-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

The plot: Hey, Betsy! You's a ho! HO! You's a ho! I said that you's a ho! Okay, so that's the jist of this whole story. Good night.

....Oh, alright. So, Betsy Martin is Tricia's older sister. She graduated from high school already, and she lives at home with angelic Tricia and their drunk father, who can't get over their mother's death from cancer, years ago. So now Tricia is dying of cancern as well, but Betsy is too busy drinking and carousing to be at the hospital with her. Yet, after she hears that Tricia is dead, she busts into the hospital crying and screaming, with her shirt pretty much hanging open and alcohol on her breath, wailing that she wasn't with Tricia when she died and what a horrible sister she is. Of course, we see all this through the eyes of Jessica the Bitch Twin. Jessica despises Betsy, seems secretly relieved the Wakefields are no longer associated with the Martins, and is more concerned that she can't figure out what to wear to Tricia's funeral than she is that her brother is in deep mourning. Well, joke's on you, bi-otch! Turns out Steven made a promise to Tricia when she died that he would take care of Betsy, and Betsy just moves right in with the Wakefields!

Jessica is just horrified at having the town tramp in the house! It's true that Betsy is a prickly pear, because she thinks everyone is assuming she wants to do them and snort all their cocaine. But Jess is really horrified when Betsy starts hanging around Steven every waking minute, and appears to be crushing on him hardcore. At Lila's suggestion, Jessica snoops through Betsy's luggage, thinking she'll find some drugs there that can be used to get Betsy kicked out of the house, but there's nothing. Why the hell didn't she just go get some pills or something from her old friend Rick Andover, and plant them in Betsy's things? Jessica isn't about to give up, but thankfully for Betsy, she has good old Elizabeth meddling in her business, and of course, there's a hidden talent (art) and a potential love interest, college student and local art teacher, Jason Stone. Betsy decides to start taking Jason's class, but flips out when he asks her out on a date, and then again when she thinks he's just fucking with her about trying to get into the Los Angeles Academy of Fine Arts. Her smartassed reactions are actually really hilarious. She gets so mad at Jason she starts mimicking him to his face, and openly states that he just wants "a night alone with me." And at the breakfast table! HAHAHA! Anyway, Saint Liz, Jason, and Steven concoct a plan to secretly get Betsy into the art school, but then Jessica spoils it by telling Betsy about Steven's promise to Tricia. Assuming that Steven doesn't really give a crap about her but just feels bound to Betsy (which, honestly, he probably does), Betsy takes off to the Shady Lady bar for some good old fashioned drinkin' and fuckin' two guys at once! Needless to say, the boys show up, a fight ensues, Jason wows everyone with his karate skills (yes, really), and Betsy realizes they really do care. Jessica cracks me the fuck up by thinking, Spare me the corny make-up scene when Betsy apologizes to Steven.

The sub-plot: Winston Egbert attemps to break a world pizza-eating record at Guido's Pizza. And, he fails to break the record. That's all.

WTF? Jessica starts dating Neil Freemount in this book. I guess he's just some random character inserted to keep her occupied until she goes after someone more notable.

*Betsy laughs when Liz suggests they have a brownie and milk together, and calls milk "The good girl's drink" HAHAHA! No 40's in this household, Betsy!

*The Triad of Evil (Jessica, Cara, Lila) try to find out why Bruce Patman's family is paying for Roger Barrett's mother's operation. (This is the lead-in to the next book) They elect Cara to go ask him, and she wails, "Why me? Bruce Patman has never even stopped to give me the time of day!" Yes, he has -- she went on at length in Book 5 about how she dated him for a while and he was an ass to her! Lila went out with him, too, but Jessica is the only one who refuses to ask because of her "history" with Bruce. Jess is self-centered enough that it makes sense she thinks she's the only one who was hurt enough by him. She's probably just the only one who actually banged him.

*Tim Houseman gets together with Dana Larson. Okay, who really cares about Dana Larson? And who the fuck is Tim Houseman? There's already a Tim Bradley in the series.

*Jessica says that Betsy was at Miller's Point with "Charlie Cashman and Jim Sturbridge ... Both of them. At the same time." So Betsy had a threesome? Go girrrrrrl! Jessica is totally just jealous!

*Betsy says she's going to smoke some "dynamite" pot and she gives Crunch and Charlie "wet" kisses in front of Steven and Jason. WTF!

*There's another dumb dancing scene at the Beach Disco. I can't remember when they stop talking about the Beach Disco in the SVH series, but I kind of hope it's soon.

The cover: Yes, that's really Betsy. Totally awesome facial expression! "Duuuuur?" Her shirt is Miss Goody Goody though. Why isn't Liz wearing it? Hell, Jessica's little tank top is skimpier! The artist should've opened several buttons and shown major cleave. Maybe he did originally, and they made him change it!

What's next? Roger's mother dies of heart problems, and ... dun dun dun ... it turns out he's not who you think he is!

#14 Deceptions

2009-04-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, we're on book 14, and this is easily the dumbest one yet. I hadn't had the pleasure of reading this one before, and I see I didn't miss much. The writing is crap and the story is borrrrring, so let's get this over with, already, so I can go read about town tramp Betsy Martin instead.

What's going on? Nicholas Morrow is handsome, rich, and 18 years old, and with once glance at Elizabeth's "ravishing" smile (gag me), he's in love with her. He's also a bit of a freakin' creeper. He spends the rest of her welcome home party following her around, coercing her into dancing with him and pretty much breathing down her neck while she nervously giggles and tries to shoo him away. As with most creepers, he doesn't take the hint and professes his undying love to Liz by the end of the night. Liz tells him about Todd, and he keeps whining and bugging her for a date anyway. He finally wins the prize by sending Liz on a guilt trip by telling her she's not being fair and making her think she is somehow a bad person if she doesn't go out with this tool when she already has a boyfriend. Her eyes actually fill with tears of misery. Yes, she's that naive.

And uh ... yeah, the days before the date drag on and on as we get to read page after page of Liz feeling guilty and trying to figure out how to tell Todd, which, of course, she doesn't. I don't know why not; he'd probably punch Nicholas's lights out and save the day! Meanwhile, Jessica is convinced she's hopelessly in love with Nicholas herself and concocts an elaborate scheme (see the sub-plot) to get him, not realizing it's Liz's ass he wants. Man, for someone who's supposed to "always get her man" Jessica sure has to struggle to make dudes notice her a lot.

Let's just end this crapola story here and now. Liz goes on the dumb date without telling Todd, probably because he already hates Nicholas, with good reason. The dude drooled all over his girl right in front of him at a party, after all. Plus, Todd is such a controlling douchebag that he'd probably hate his guts without a good reason anyway. I mean, he and Liz go to the movies, and Todd tells them what movie they're going to see, even though Liz doesn't really like it, and then tells her what movie they're going to see next time also. He doesn't even try to compromise or see what she wants to watch. And she just accepts this, doesn't voice any opinions or anything. Reading this scene now, I'm disgusted because I'm reminded of too many asses I dated in the past -- and dumped right quick. I hate boys who try to tell me what to do! AAAAH!

Uh, anyway. Liz is no prize either, because she's still going on this stupidass date behind her boyfriend's back, with a boy she doesn't even like, just to avoid hurting his feelings by, you know, saying "NO, I DON'T CHEAT ON MY MAN. GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU AREN'T AS GREAT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE." And if she says, "Oh, Todd!" one more time in one more book, I might vomit on the pages. She says it three times between pages 84 and 85 of this book while she's fawning over how great he is. Lord have mercy, wake up, girl.

Liz goes on the date to an fancyass restaurant called Cote d'or in Malvina (some other town), thinking Todd will be celebrating his mom's birthday in Sweet Valley, but ... surrrrrrrprise! He shows up at the restaurant and catches them holding hands and having coffee, right after the pair agree to be "just friends" because Liz doesn't love old Saint Nick. (Did you guys drink coffee at 16? I didn't.) To get out of the situation, Liz pretends to be her twin. Man, that's convenient, although since she sees Todd long before he sees her, she could just duck under the table or something. Todd buys it, but feels weird and decides to go to the Wakefield house to apologize to Liz for doubting her before Jess gets home to tell her ... You guessed it, he meets Jessica instead, plants a big old kiss on her (while she's wearing a bathrobe), and the story comes out. Man, this part is juicy!

Okay, in truth, I feel kind of bad ragging on Liz like that. I know what it's like to be expected to be the "nice chick" who never hurts anybody's feelings, and to feel like you have to put up with dudes' assholish behavior. But I got over that mess real fast. I was disappointed Liz didn't call Nicholas and tell him to fuck off and stop bothering her. Or hey, that she didn't really do anything scandalous with Nicholas. I mean, if you're going to do something behind Todd's back, at least make it good.

So, how do they make up (because you know they will)? Well, Elizabeth and Todd both mope around crying all day, and fucking Todd messes up the basketball game and almost makes Sweet Valley lose ... NO WAY! Come on Todd, you can't do that! But then Nicholas goes and has a little pep talk with Todd and lets him know that Liz only went out with him because he basically bullied her into it. You see, Todd, there's no need to worry! She only did it because she's a stupid pushover like she's always been! After this heartwarming talk, Todd bounds back onto the court and totally wows the crowd with his hot b-ball moves! YES! SWEET VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL RULES!

And, yes, there's a totally barf-inducing make-up scene. Liz walks home by herself so she can throw a solitary pity party, and Todd runs after her and they smooch under the stars and bleaaaaaaaauggggggggggh there goes my breakfast!

This book really made me hate these two. Total tools. Every guy in this series is a total ass, I swear.

The sub-plot: Jessica freaks out over a bad grade, until she realizes she can get Randy Mason to fix it for her. She convinces him to hack into the school's computer network and change the grade, but he gets caught. Elizabeth finds out, of course, and forces Jessica to go over to the principal's office and confess. Liz, you big narc! No one really gets in trouble, though, because Liz is such a known goody-goody that she then does a 180 and promises the principal that Jessica really isn't THAT bad. LAME. I really hope there's a book somewhere where Liz just busts out and goes crazy and turns into a Betsy Martin type. Maybe she should hit her head again.

WTF? I think this entry really says it all, but seriously: Why is every guy at Sweet Valley a cockface? Todd is the biggest douche on the history of the Earth. You should've heard him bagging on Betsy Martin when she came into the Dairi Burger drunk; he is just DISGUSTED at the horrible spectacle. I guess underage drinking is practically unheard of by the other kids at school. He calls her "trash" and continues to pass judgment on her and other people while Liz swoons over him, going, "Oh, Todd!" Grow some ovaries, Liz. This dude sucks.

Also, the ghostwriter really goes all out to show you how rich and over-the-top Nicholas Morrow is. He has birds fluttering in a gold cage, or some such nonsense, and his mannerisms are ridiculous.

The cover: Liz has the stupidest look on her face, like she's being naughty, when her real attitude throughout the whole book is, "Oh, waaaaaaah, woe is me!" Nicholas has sandy blondish-brown hair, but the book describes it as black. FAIL.

In the back of the book: An ad for a special book in the Sweet Dreams teen romance series ... what's so special about it? The girl in the story is going to be an extra in a Michael Jackson video and finds love on the set! Does this mean there's a paragraph or two where she interacts with Michael? It reminds me of that time I saw there was going to be a Baby-sitters Club book called Stacey and the New Kids on the Block or something. I was so excited because NKOTB was my favorite group as a kid, but then it turned out it was really about ... some new kids ... on her block.

Here's a picture of Star Struck (has anyone read this?):

What's up next? Tricia Martin finally passes away from cancer ... oops, did I spoil something? Not to worry, she leaves her terrible ho-bag druggie sister behind!

#13 Kidnapped!

2009-04-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

I am fairly certain this is the very first SVH book I ever read! And I blame it for my subsequent obsession with being tied up ... uh, anyway ...

What's going on: Well, we have, once again, a book focused on Elizabeth in peril! And it's far more ridiculous than I remembered. Our favorite little goody-goody was gagged with chloroform and dragged away by Carl, the disturbed orderly, outside Fowler Memorial Hospital at the end of our last book. She was supposed to go tutor punker Max Dellon, who's flunking English, before heading off to rich new boy Nicholas Morrow's party, which it sounds like Max wasn't invited to. Burrrrn! Jessica, who apparently ditched Aaron Dallas after one date in the last book, is too busy flirting with Nicholas (and being fascinated by his gorgeous, deaf sister, Regina), who adores her right off the bat, to be concerned that Liz is late for the party. Or, at least, that's what this book would have you believe, but it also has Jessica wondering where Liz is at 7:30 ... when she's not supposed to be there until 8. Oooookay. Max is worrying, however, so he takes off on his own to find Liz. Todd is worrying, too, so he gets Jessica's attention by shoving her into the Morrows' indoor pool. Nice work, Todd.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth wakes up gagged and bound to a chair in a windowless little shack with Carl. He buys her some food, a blue cardigan, and some random books, and he lets her go to the bathroom once. He spends most of his time with her creepily stroking her hair, telling her he loves her and sharing his plan to move them way up in the mountains where no one can find them. Yes, that Carl is damned creepy. Liz engineers what she thinks is a clever plan to escape the shack by convincing him to untie her, then making a mad break for the door while screaming and yelling. Carl recaptures her before she makes it outside and she immediately loses all resolve. I'm serious. She immediately decides she's just doomed to stay here forever, even though Carl takes off for 8 hours two days in a row to go to work. She doesn't make any sort of plan to hop for the door, chew through her ropes, anything! She needs to take a clue from Erica Pratt! (Google that name.) Instead she tries to "keep going" by thinking about how much she loves her sister and her boyfriend. She figures poor Jessica never even made it to the Morrows' party because she was supposed to wait for Liz to come by the house so they could ride over together. Uh ... Liz, how well do you really know your twin?

While Liz just sits and mopes in her chair, everyone else in Sweet Valley is freaking out. Liz is gone for a total of two days, and the complete hackjob SV police squad are like something out of an SNL skit. They catch Max rooting around in Liz's abandoned car trying to find out what happened to her, and instead of even checking out the scene, they just haul Max off to the station for questioning and threaten him with buttrape in juvy hall the whole time. They're way harsher to him than they ever were to Rick Andover. Plus, I don't think if Max actually killed a girl he'd just be headed to juvy. Then, when the cops realize they don't have anything to hold Max on, they let him go and announce that Liz must be a runaway. Yep. Their reasoning for this? If someone had kidnapped Liz, they would've sent a ransom note by now! Because A) a ransomer would nab LIZ, not Lila or Regina, and B) apparently SV cops aren't familiar with the classic 80s faces on the milk cartons! And because runaways leave their purse and all that shit in their car. That makes lots of sense! What in the fuck!

Jessica cries miserably and blames herself for Liz's disappearance while Todd shows off his true asshole self by punching Max Dellon in the face at school when Max insists he hasn't seen Liz. Unlike many readers, I've never been charmed by Todd. He just acts like a complete toolbag. Now maybe you can see why. Nicholas comes to see Jess to comfort her, and she thinks to herself that normally having him in her bedroom would be fodder for all kinds of fantasies. Uhhhh ... like what, chastely kissing? Or is this supposed to be a masturbation reference?

Elizabeth is finally saved when Jessica, Todd and Max do some investigating of their own by heading to the hospital. They run into Carl, who freaks out thinking Jessica is Elizabeth. He must be truly crazy not to realize Liz has a twin after all the time Jessica spent on that same hall wooing Jeremy Frank. He starts yelling at Jessica for escaping and she pulls some weird shit that's supposed to be clever, but isn't. She pretends to be Liz, and I guess it's so Carl won't try to make a break for it, or something, even though he's already surrounded by ten people who have already jumped his ass. I thought she was going to trick him into saying where he was keeping Liz. That would have been the intelligent thing to do. Instead, Carl confesses to the cops where Liz is. Uh, again, A) how did the hospital not have the address of someone who works there? Is that shack not his home? Because he acts like it is, and B) what if he never confessed? Everyone just assumes he's going to let it out when he's captured.

I think I've been watching too much Law & Order.

Everyone cheers and goes to rescue Liz without stopping to think that she could've been raped or beaten or half-starved. They just assume she's all right and don't bother to ask her when they find her. The Wakefields throw a big reunion party and Todd and Liz make out in the den. Mrs. Wakefield sees and we learn that she's bothered that the two are so serious, implying she worries they might have sex, and that she secretly wishes Liz would be more like Jessica and date around! You mean, making out with random boys in cars and almost getting date-raped every other book? Sounds great! But then Liz meets Nicholas ... and it's immediately apparent that he wants a piece of her ... hell, the ghostwriter makes it sound like he practically undresses her with his eyes!

The cover: Lord have mercy, I forgot to snark on the cover when I first posted this. Well, the cover doesn't represent what actually happened. Liz isn't kidnapped in front of a plain white wall, but outside the hospital in the dark! Carl doesn't sneak up on her out of nowhere while she holds her hand to her face in a melodramatic pose, either. He comes up and talks to her, then abruptly grabs her. And, that's supposed to be her candy striper's uniform? When I think candy striper, I think bright red with candy cane stripes and a little hat ... but I probably got that from Saved by the Bell.

The sub-plot: The whole book revolves around Liz and her disappearance. I guess you could count the blurb about Max Dellon passing his English test on his own, but since he's thinking the whole time about Liz and getting upset, I'd say not.

Back of the book: The usual, plus an order form for some Paul Zindel YA novels like My Darling, My Hamburger (I think that's the one about abortion), The Pigman, and I Never Loved Your Mind. Did anybody ever read these? I haven't (I don't think), but I know I got a couple off Ebay with a big book lot ...

Next time .... Nicholas Morrow makes a move on Liz and she doesn't exactly run the other way!

#12 When Love Dies

2009-04-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm writing this instead of working on an analysis chart for my master's degree. So if I flunk out of school, it is totally Francine Pascal's fault! *Jessica-like pout*

Alright, so we're on book 12, and I must say that the main storyline was about as dull as I feared it would be, while simultaneously stirring my heartstrings just a wee tad. However, a lighthearted silly side story starring Jessica making a fool out of herself over a boy (because that's not new or anything) kept the edge off.

The plot: Steven Wakefield's longtime girlfriend, Tricia Martin, a senior at SVH, doesn't want to go out with him anymore. She refuses to see him, and after weeks of moping and crying, he finally dumps her because she all but admits she is seeing someone else.
Tricia disappears from school, and rumors run rampant around school about Tricia being no good - you know, like the rest of her apparently derelict family. Jessica decides this is the perfect time to set up her heartbroken bro with her gossipy, boring cheerleader best friend, Cara, who's been crushing on him forever. Steve agrees to go out with Cara to an extremely lame high school party she throws on a whim, but can't stop thinking about Tricia the whole time and is basically the worst date ever. I mean, he only kisses Cara at one point because he's imagining she's Tricia, which is sorta creepy if you ask me.

Of course, Tricia isn't actually hitting it with anybody else. She is dying of leukemia, and she has it in her head that it will be easier for Steve if he thinks she just hates his guts and is a cheating biotch. Nevermind that when she dies, he'll discover these were all lies and feel even more pain. Tricia, you're an odd soul. Elizabeth, of course, finds out the truth when she sees Tricia in a room at the hospital (where she's a candy striper -- see sub-plot), where she gets the story but promises to keep it a secret. After agonizing over it for way too many pages, she finally tells Steve, who has already ditched Cara at some dumb dorm party (who the hell threw parties in their dorms? anybody? just curious if anyone ever actually had a real kegger in their dorm room!) after getting mad at her for suggesting she become his new girlfriend. So Steve finds out the truth, he and Tricia reunite, and there's all kinds of crying and sappy love lines and what have you. Yawwwwwwwn.

The cover: Steve's head looks really odd to me ... too small, and somewhat alien-like! And it's titled at such an odd angle that he's practically cross-eyed. Tricia definitely looks like a ghost in this one ... check that Victorian blouse, that vacant expression, and her uh, holy-hot-rollers hair. That plus the title ... When Love Dies ... get it? pretty much give away what is actually going on here. PS Tricia has blue eyes in the book ... not dark brown like she does here!

Tricia doesn't actually die in this book. It's just set up for the future, maybe fooling some readers into thinking she might actually live. Hey, Liz beat death! Yeah, yeah ... but she's a Wakefield.

The sub-plot: This one had some slapstick comedy relief. I'm not going to sit here and act like I didn't get a little chuckle out of it. Jessica learns from gossipyass Cara that Jeremy Frank, a local TV star (interesting ...) is in the hospital with a broken leg. Man, these days I don't think a hospital would keep you in there for that long when you just broke a bone! They want your ass out of there! Uh, I digress ... of course, Jessica decides that 25-year-old Jeremy is the perfect man for her and that she wants a spot on his show, so she persuades Liz to become a candy striper with her so she can meet him. But Liz meets him first, and then Jessica acts like such an idiot fawning over him that she stabs him with a pencil, and spills water on him, as he's buck-naked, when she walks in on his sponge bath and freaks out. Whatsa matter Jess, never seen a penis before? I think Bruce P. would have a little something to say about that. Anyway, Jess is acting like such an ass that Liz hatches a plot with Jeremy to scare her off by having him fall madly in love with her and beg her to marry him. Real smart, guys ... Jess is at first freaked out, but then she decides a prolonged engagement that she can eventually break off is a great idea! The truth comes out and, once again, Jessica is humiliated by some dude she made a jackass out of herself for. *cue Simpsons' Nelson laugh* HA ha!

WTF? This book says Steven is 18, but the last one distinctly said he was 19. What in hell, did we go back in time?

-I have never known a college kid, even a really homesick one, who was home from school every single weekend the way Steven is. I guess he doesn't party much.

-Cara brings out a six-pack of beer at her dumb party! GASP! This is actually a bit of a shock for me as I thought SVH books always treated alcohol as solely evil and the cause of great misfortune, such as attempted rapes and motorcycle accidents.

-Caroline Pierce is described as wearing a "plaid shirtwaist." I had to look up what that is, and here it is:

VOMIT!!!! Did people really wear these things back in the 80s? (Do they wear them now?)

-Even though it's a prank, Jeremy's going after Jess is another thing that is creepy. 25 + 16 = yuck. (I have no room to talk; I dated a 26-year-old at 17, but still ... that's just not right)

-We learn about Tricia's family again -- her mom died when she was 9 from leukemia, her older sister Betsy is a big druggie and sleeps around, and her dad is a total drunkard. They apparently live in the slums of Sweet Valley. I thought Sweet Valley was such a nice place to be! I guess that's only if you are upper middle-class and have a typical nuclear fam. Heh. Uh, anyway, does anyone remember Betsy Martin from the Sweet Valley Twins books? Those weren't out till two years after When Love Dies was published, but Betsy was an eighth-grade member of the Unicorns (the middle school equivalent of Pi Beta Alpha) and apparently really popular and gorgeous, or whatever. My oh my, Betsy, how ye have grown.

In the back of the book: A Sweet Valley High QUIZ! You have to get all the answers right in order to enter the Sweet Valley High Star-Studded Contest, which includes a 2-night stay in New York City, a Broadway show, a salon makeover, and dinner with Francine Pascal!!! Entries are due by Halloween 1984, so you better get crackin'! The person who had this book before me marked all the answers already, so I guess I'm good to go! (Maybe I should post the quiz on here...?)

(In all seriousness, I would love to interview the person that won this contest!)

Next time: Liz has been KIDNAPPED by Carl the crazy hospital orderly! It happened at the end of this book; now we get to find out ... Will Elizabeth be saved? Didn't Elizabeth just have a trauma? Make Jessica have one. Also, we apparently have to wait an extra month for #13 to come out ... uh, or those people still living in 1984 do.

#11 Too Good to Be True

2009-04-09T08:14:00.001-07:00

This was one of my absolute favorite SVHs as a kid, so kind of hard for me to snark on it ... but rest assured I can, and I will, because there are plenty of things that are just effed in this one!

The story: It's spring break at Sweet Valley, and the kids are off for two weeks. TWO WHOLE WEEKS? We only got one week off! Hmmmph. Anyway, Mr. Wakefield and his old lawyer friend, Mr. Devlin, have decided to do a daughter exchange. Suzanne Devlin will come to stay at the Wakefields' house and hang out with one of the twins, while the other twin goes off to New York City to see the sights. Mr. Wakefield flips a coin to see who goes to NYC. Liz wins, but of course, Jessica manipulates her into staying behind by telling her all about how Lila Fowler has a huge crush on Todd and will probably make a move on him behind Liz's back. Liz, you are a chump.

"Suzy" shows up, and she's apparently the most gorgeous girl anyone has ever laid eyes on. She's also extremely sweet, kind, and helpful, and talks sort of like a priss from an old timey movie ("Oh! It's just the sweetest thing I ever saw!" or whatever), yet nobody suspects that she is kind of weird. Winston Egbert, whose girlfriend Mandy apparently moved away, falls hard for Suzy and starts going all out to woo her.

Of course, underneath it all, Suzy is really a cold-hearted bitch. She hates her rich parents for constantly leaving her alone and shipping her off to boarding school in Europe every year. She hates Sweet Valley, the Wakefields, and everybody else in it, especially Winston, whom she describes as a "big goon." I can't say I blame her! He sounds extremely annoying in this book and I'd want to knock him out, myself! In truth, I kind of like Suzanne. Probably because she hates Liz and steals her precious gold lavaliere that we hear about in every book. I was hoping she'd flush it down the toilet or something, to be honest with you. Ha ha!

The only person who really intrigues Suzanne is Mr. Collins, the handsome English teacher who's always hanging around. He's at the junior class picnic at Seneca Lake, and he saves bikini-clad Suzy from supposedly drowning, who proceeds to grope his chest and moan her thanks. This makes old Mr. Collins awfully uncomfortable. Well, what the fuck are you doing at a junior class picnic then! Can't these kids hold their own after-school activities without a chaperone?

Suzanne takes over Elizabeth's Collins babysitting job for her when Todd surprises her with Lakers tickets. She acts like a total bitch to little Teddy Collins, snoops through Roger's things, and takes a bath to get ready for a night of seduction. When Mr. Collins gets home, she throws herself at him, asks him for alcohol and moans like a classic soap opera vixen! Sweet! Mr. Collins pulls himself away with "difficulty" and Suzanne knows that he wants to hit it and calls him on it! But he tells her he's doing her a favor and she furiously storms out of his house. On the way home, she tears her clothes, messes her hair and starts crying, then comes back and tells Elizabeth that Mr. Collins tried to rape her. Ohhhhhh no she didn't! Oh, yes, she did. The school goes into a furor, and Mr. Collins is placed on leave while an investigation is conducted as a "formality," but his career is pretty much over. No cops are involved, though; it's just the principal. This place is so weird.

Of course, in the end Suzy gets her just desserts. She attends Lila Fowler's big birthday bash with Aaron Dallas, and is caught unawares when Liz confronts her with the lavaliere that she found coiled in Suzy's suitcase. (She was putting a present in there for her, but I bet she was actually hoping to nose around, that meddler.) Suzanne retaliates by spreading rumors all over the party that Liz hit her head again and is starting to act all messed up like she did in Dear Sister. Liz is humiliated, but she gets in Suzanne's face in front of everyone and tells her that even Mr. Collins knows what a loser she is! ZING! Then, Winston makes a perfectly timed entrance with a big glass of red punch that he "accidentally" spills down Suzanne's dress. She starts screaming at him about how much she hates him, and everyone walks away in disgust while she cries! This book is awesome. Needless to say, everything is fine and dandy in Sweet Valley yet again.

I really love Suzanne. True bad girls are few and far between in this town. You know Suzanne would never stop somebody from untying that bikini top!

*SPOILER FOR UPCOMING BOOK*: Suzanne will reappear in a later Super Special, but I'm afraid I don't like what they do with her character in that one :(

The cover: Suzanne really doesn't look too gorgeous in this picture. Ehhhh. Liz has her first cover in several books and looks like a total priss, but her expression is hilarious. But she's wearing her lavaliere, which had been missing for many weeks before she realized THE TRUTH (dun dun dun) about this biotch. So, it doesn't gel with the story. I disapprove.

The sub-plot: Of course, our side story is about Jessica's misadventures in the Big Apple. I probably enjoyed this part of the book much more than the tales about crazy Suzanne. Jessica stays with the Devlins in their posh apartment, where she goes all out to try to seduce Suzanne's 20-year-old boyfriend, Pete. Now, Jessica, what have we learned about trying to get with older men? Pete takes her around town at the request of the Devlins, but is totally bored with her, which of course enrages our fair blond one. When are you going to learn you aren't all that, Jess? Jessica doesn't see a whole lot of sights except when she goes out with Pete; she mostly seems pretty bored and whines about dinner parties with boring Devlin relatives. She does go to a party Suzanne's friends throw in her honor, and gets completely trashed on champagne. Suzanne's friends laugh about her low alcohol tolerance and send her home in a cab after she passes out in the bathroom. Finally, Pete makes his move on Jessica after she throws herself at him for the umpteenth time, only - SURPRISE! - he wants to do it with her! Of course, Jess is shocked and appalled, and Pete winds up calling her a cocktease and trying to rape her. The Devlins come home early and find the pair of them struggling amidst smashed glasses of brandy on the floor! HAHAHAHAHA. While Pete's attempted rape is in no way excusable, don't look at me with a straight face and say you didn't laugh when he called her out on her shit!

WTF? First of all, what is up with this recurring rape theme? We even get two rape storylines for the price of one with this book!

-Again, why is Mr. Collins at the junior class picnic? And Bruce Patman's there, too ... one of the few seniors who had been "invited." Ooooooh, goody for him. Are there even more than 3 seniors at this school?

-Steven comes home from college EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and does nothing but mope around because Tricia won't talk to him again. LOSER! Go hit up a frat party or something!

-Jessica imagines that she's going to be discovered by a model scout while in NYC. She'll be the next Cheryl Tiegs and end up on the cover of Cosmopolitan. HAHA, can you see that shit?

-One thing that has really been bothering me is that attempted rape is shown as something that only happens to chicks who are cockteases. Don't get me wrong; Jessica's cocktease behavior is flat-out infuriating, as is her hard-headed refusal to learn! But seriously ... what the hell kind of lesson is this supposed to be teaching? If you're going to put rape in a book, why treat the subject so lightly? And why isn't anybody ever arrested?

-And furthermore ... what message do these books send by having a few incidents where girls get back at guys that don't want them, by accusing them of raping them? Come on, Francine Pascal, come up with something else!

-Finally ... Liz actually rationalizes Jessica's own behavior by telling herself that even Jess wouldn't do the things Suzy has done. Oh, really, Liz? Double Love anyone? You big doormat.

At the back of the book: Nothing of note.

Next time: Steven continues to mope as we learn why Tricia will not speak to him. I haven't read this book before, and I'm not really looking forward to a hundred-some pages of crying, whiny Steven.

New Post Up + Contest Deadline Approacheth

2009-03-29T10:38:00.001-07:00

I have a new SVH review up, at long last. It appears in the March 16th entry since I took so long to write it! So scroll down a bit to see. And don't forget to enter Lenore's book giveaway contest! See the entry below this one for all the details. You have until April 5th, so get going :)

New Book Giveaway Contest!

2009-03-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Presenting Lenore has yet another great book giveaway going on. This time, you can win a big book prize package from Penguin with 11+ titles! Please visit this link for the list of books and details on how to enter. You can get in up to three different entries, so don't let this pass you by!

Link below!
http://presentinglenore.blogspot.com/2009/03/book-giveaway-penguin-prize-pack-11-ya.html

I'll have my latest social commentary on the world of Sweet Valley soon. I'm sorry to tell you it is a sad, sad affair dealing with the judgmental attitudes of Jessica Wakefield ... oh wait, that's every book! :) See you there.

#10 Wrong Kind of Girl

2009-03-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, did you know that Jessica Wakefield is a horrible bitch? In case you had any doubts, this book introduces a brand new type of person that Jessica hates. We have already seen her cruelty to nerds, obese people, former drug users, and anyone who likes another chick better than her. Now we introduce the newest target of JW's pure, unadulterated loathing (thank you, Wicked) - the school "slut"! Brace yourself ... the WTFs will be OUT OF CONTROL for this one.

The cover: The color of this cover really vexes me. It's like a weird off-white that kind of wants to be purple. Did you guys know that the cover model for this was reportedly Courteney Cox? Nice touch with the tiny tear on her face; surprised her raccoon-eye makeup isn't running. You see, only trollops wear that much eye makeup. Her hair is classic 80s pseudo-mullet. Jessica's cheerleading sweater is hideous.

The plot: Girl-about-town Annie Whitman is desperate to become an SVH cheerleader -- they are "the cream of the crop" after all --but even though she's pulled up her grades and memorized all the cheers, she has a reputation. As we all know by now, a "reputation" (for having SEX, silly!) is the mark of doom for an SVH girl. Now, they have to let her try out, but Jessica Queen Bitch Wakefield sure isn't going to approve her, no matter how good she is. Jessica and Robin are co-captains of the cheerleaders ... even though they're both juniors ... in fact, I'm not sure there is a single senior on this team! Yes, the school revolves around this crowd! (Annie is a sophomore, though .. how refreshing to hear about someone from another class.) The other cheerleaders include Helen Bradley, Maria Santelli, and Jean West, who are all described as being simply gorgeous, charming, and classy. And Jessica can't have someone on the squad who has no class. Yes, because Jessica has so very much of that.

"Easy Annie"'s grades are awful, but with the help of Liz the math tutor, she starts getting As. Jessica is still determined not to let Annie on the squad, but is surprised when she is clearly the most talented girl at try-outs, if not better than the entire team. Liz keeps the tutoring a secret from Jessica, as she tries to get Annie onto the team. Sound familiar? Yes, in many ways, it's Power Play. Liz goes over to Annie's apartment, where she lives with her drunken, chain-smoking mother (who had her at 16) and mom's lecherous boyfriend, Johnny. So Liz learns the sad life story of Annie Whitman and realizes that she really is a great person deep down inside (although to be honest with you, even Liz sounds like she has her doubts). But Jessica will never be convinced, especially after Annie and Bruce Patman tie Jessica and Skip Harmon in a dancing contest at the Beach Disco.

There are three phases of tryouts for the cheerleading team, and only two slots available. Cara Walker pretty much already has one of the spots. She was a cheerleader previously, but she and Lila Fowler were both kicked off the squad for setting off sprinklers on a rival team's performance ... they got KICKED OFF the squad for that? No one is sure about the other slot, but Jessica thinks Sandra Bacon (Jean's best friend) might be a great choice. Of course, she is disgusted by Annie and adamant that she and her whoring ways will not find their way onto the squad. But she has it coming to her when Annie successfully passes the first two phases of tryouts and wows them all with her own amazing dancer-like moves. Robin, Helen, and Maria are all delighted and want Annie on the team, but Jean will vote for Sandra since Sandra's her best friend and all. Jessica knows she can't sway Robin or Maria, so she puts it in Helen Bradley's hands and gives her a talking-to about what a hobag Annie is and how Helen can cast that third decisive vote that splits the tie and saves the integrity of the cheerleaders! When Helen starts to waver on her promise to vote for Sandra following Annie's amazing third performance, Jessica gives it to her straight: If you let Annie on the squad, I'm off! And of course, that elicits wails of "NOOOOOO" from Helen, who goes ahead and votes clumsy-ass Sandra on instead. You see, Jessica is apparently the heart and soul of the cheerleading team, which I 100% don't get. It's Maria Santelli who can do the backflips, y'all! And what the fuck, how does a girl who falls on her ass during a tryout (I'm looking at you, Sandra) fit these rigorous cheerleader standards?

So Annie is cut, and of course, she is in complete shock. She freaks out, and when she learns about WHY she was cut, she leaves school for a few days. She apparently had no idea that everyone talked about her trollopy ways behind her back. She's found unconscious in her apartment, having overdosed on pills to try to kill herself. Jessica immediately feels like the soulless bitch from hell that she is, and she goes with Liz and some other kids to the hospital, where they learn that Annie is slipping in and out of consciousness and doesn't seem to want to live. The doctor suggests that Jessica fix the problem by sitting by Annie's bedside and telling her that she is being let on the cheerleading team after all. And, lo and behold. It works, Annie wakes up, is magically cured of the horrendous depression that usually leads someone to kill themselves, and goes right back to the squad.

I wish I was making all of that up. I really do.

And, because no girl at Sweet Valley is complete without a love interest. Annie gets Ricky Capaldo, the shy manager of the cheerleaders. What in the hell do the cheerleaders need a manager for? I guess they're too lazy to fetch their damn megaphones? Ricky and Annie really love each other, but even Ricky's loving talk to Annie can't get her out of the coma. She lives for cheerleading, y'all, she really does.

This book kind of made me want to puke all over myself.

The sub-plot: There isn't one.

WTF? Where do I start?!

-I think it bears repeating that 75 girls signed up to try out for the team. You're telling me that many chicks are really that desperate to be cheerleaders?

-AGAIN, why are all the cheerleaders freakin' juniors? Why does Jessica dominate everything? Can I go throw up now?

-A lot of other bloggers have asked why it's okay for Jessica to slut around, but not for Annie. Well, you see, Jessica doesn't actually DO IT. She CONTROLS her boyfriends! And because the boys can't ever pick the Golden Cherry, Jessica maintains her respect. Oh, silly Annie. You have to keep them from untying your bikini top, girl!

-I guess Francine can't let her ghost writers say S-E-X in these books. Everyone, even Annie herself, says she's been "deeply in love" ... what the hell? I mean, now I'm confused. Deeply in love? Well, if you put it that way, it doesn't sound any different from what Jessica does! And uh, it also sounds like a porno to me ... Deeply in love ... Deep inside Annie Whitman. Heh, heh, heh!

-Annie has banged Rick Andover, Bruce Patman, Tim Bradley (Helen's brother, who's a senior, and who I guess is the Tim that Lila once dated), some dude named Billy, and apparently, all the other boys in school. Of course, it doesn't come out and say that she slept with all of them. It just says that she's been on tons of dates. Again, when you put it that vaguely, it doesn't sound any worse than Jessica.

-"If only Annie had one guy like Todd, Elizabeth thought, she wouldn't need an army of other guys." Liz, you disgust me. No, if only Annie had more respect and love for herself, she wouldn't need an army of guys who disrespect her! Why do you have to have a boyfriend to be a success at this school?

-While Liz is usually pretty open-minded, caring, and desperate to help out a boyfriendless soul, in this book she seems like she's ready to bolt from Annie Whitman. She gets uneasy every time Annie starts talking about her family history or her dates with boys. I guess Annie's non-nuclear family is just too unsettling for our little perennial do-gooder.

-We learn that Cara has a huge crush on Steven Wakefield and that Jessica really wants to set him up with her so that he won't keep dating Tricia Martin. Only people with two parents get to hang around the Wakefield clan, you see!

-Jessica introduces Ricky to the cheerleader hopefuls by saying, "...and please don't rip his clothes off." Well, if they did, then I guess you'd be able to keep all of them off the team too!

-Jessica is PISSED about Annie and Tim Bradley because she is "mildly interested" in him herself, and thought he was going to buy her a Coke. HAHAHAHA. Can't you buy your own Coke out of the vending machine, Jessica? Of course, maybe she'd just mad because according to Jessica, Annie went "all the way" with him. And he told his sister about this. Isn't that just a little bit creepy?

-Annie horrifies Liz by telling her she's going to the Dairi Burger with Billy and then to the beach with Rick. Two dates in one day! Inconceivable!

-The band that plays at the Beach Disco is called "The Surfers' Waves" ... what? I'm surprised they let anyone but The Droids play anywhere in Sweet Valley. And apparently Jessica's date that night, Skip Harmon, is a senior who usually proclaims he won't look at any junior girls. Silly Skip. Guess he never dated any cheerleaders then!

-And by the way, you're not fooling me, Jessica! I know you did it with Bruce Patman!

-Annie laments that no "nice guys" want to ask her out. And she also is shocked that someone like Liz would want to be her friend. Oh, barf. A Wakefield on a pedestal again! Of course, Liz is such a good friend that she doesn't even notice when Annie is out of school for a few days following the cheerleading tryouts.

-Annie's mom chain smokes cigarettes all over the hospital, even right outside Annie's room. I guess that was okay in the 80s, but it sounds totally crazy now!

-I don't like the way this book treats suicide. If you're going to introduce this topic, then do it right. A girl who literally doesn't want to live because she can't be a cheerleader needs more help than Jessica flippin' Wakefield can give her. And she isn't going to be magically okay a couple days later.

-What is it with Sweet Valley and girls who can only truly be worth something IF they get to be part of some horribly snotty club?

In the back of the book...My copy just has an ad for an upcoming "Sweet Valley High/Soap Opera Celebration Contest"! But you have to wait until August 1984 to get all the details!

Coming up next...Liz meets someone who's even worse than Jessica! Actually, they're probably about the same.

#9 Racing Hearts

2009-03-11T11:11:00.001-07:00

This book was originally supposed to be called Love on the Run, but it was changed at the last minute, apparently. I kind of like the first title better! But either way, you get a silly pun ... because Roger Barrett stars in this one ... and he races ... get it ... he's a runner ... har, har.

The cover is the first to omit a Wakefield twin's face! Instead, we get slinky brunette Lila Fowler and shy nerd Roger Barrett. I loved Lila as a kid, probably because we both have dark brown hair, and she was one of the few brunettes in the whole series that wasn't portrayed as a dumpy nerd.

The plot: Well, it's pretty much the exact same shit as the last book, with the story built around a dopey love triangle that we will probably revisit again and again in Sweet Valley: Shy Boy, thrust into the spotlight by his amazing talent , is hopelessly in love with bitchy, gorgeous girl who spurns him. Shy Boy has a good friend in a dumpier, nerdier chick, who's secretly in love with him but who must watch as he ditches her for Sexy Bitch over and over. Shy Boy hides a deep, dark secret that torments him almost as much as Sexy Bitch's withheld love does. Eventually, Shy Boy wises up and goes for Nerd Girl, but only after she's cried herself to sleep over him multiple times (why not just ditch his dumb ass?) and Sexy Bitch has been served her comeuppance by having Shy Boy dump her just as she decides she wants him because he has a cool, previously hidden talent that makes him a star. Yep, I think that about covers it. Of course:

Shy Boy = Roger Barrett
Nerd Girl = Olivia Davidson
Sexy Bitch = Lila Fowler
Amazing Talent = Track racing
Painful Secret = Family is poor; must work as a janitor at Ned Wakefield's law office building

Anyway, the big dance in this book (because there's at least one in pretty much every book) is the Bart Dance. Hehehe, that reminds me of the Bartman. This Bart Dance is based on the big Bart Race that Roger runs in after Liz needles him endlessly to try out (although it's Lila who finally convinces him). What a meddler. So annoying! The big prize for winning the Bart race is a full scholarship to Sweet Valley College, because everyone who graduates from Sweet Valley High is going to want to go to a school in the same town. Well, they all pretty much do, don't they? So Roger agrees to race while knowing that he can't, because his evil boss doesn't obey occupational laws and will fire him if he takes off for it. But then big bad Mr. Wakefield gives his boss a stern talking-to and Roger's good to go. Of course, he wins the race, snubs Lila and ruins the victory party she planned for him by not showing up. Kind of like Bill Chase snubbed Jessica's congrats on his newfound acting superstardom by running off to smooch DeeDee.

The writing isn't nearly as good in this book. It just seems a little stiff. In fact, this book pretty much sucked.

The sub-plot: Jessica decides to be a lawyer, but ditches the idea after her first day doing grunt work at her dad's office. But she does meet her latest obsession, Dennis Creighton. She starts staying late at her dad's office every single weeknight to do "homework" (read: make out with Dennis, who doesn't want to go anywhere else with her). Her secret is exposed when Liz behaves like a spy and follows her there to find out what she's really doing. But then it turns out that Dennis insists on meeting only in the office because he's only fifteen and can't drive. Jessica ditches him because this is completely unacceptable. (Dude, I dated a 15 year old when I was 16. Big fucking deal!) She is actually kind of heartbroken over Dennis but consoles herself with a male cheerleader from El Carro High (where Dennis goes - burrrrn) named Kevin Borden.
-There's also some little thing where everybody thinks Coach Schultz is dying of cancer or heart disease or some shit and thinks he's going to quit after the Bart Race. Dudes ... he's fine.

WTF? Jessica thinks to herself that she won't lie about her age to Dennis because it's gotten her into so much trouble in the past. Is this an allusion to a previous book? I don't recall her lying about her age to Scott Daniels or anyone else ... and Sweet Valley Twins' The Older Boy wasn't out yet when this was published! Were they setting the stage?
-Bruce Patman's running shorts are "short enough to expose nearly the entire length of his long, muscled legs..." Boy booty shorts!
-Who is Barton Ames (as in, the namesake of the Barton Ames Memorial Race)? All we know is that he was a young dude who loved to run and who died before his time ... A mystery!
-Jessica likes Dennis so much because he's a "gentleman" and knows when to stop "when their passions were reaching the point beyond which they would no longer be able to control themselves." HAHAHA
-Oh yeah, we learn that Lila and soccer player Aaron Dallas tried dating in junior high, but there was no chemistry. But Lila thinks there's chemistry between her and Roger?
-Jessica and Lila are seriously at their shallowest ever in this book. I almost can't stand it. And Lila is written as the dullest, dryest character ever. Gag.

In the back of the book: Did you know Sweet Dreams had Special Editions? Is there a series that didn't? :) Seriously, that's the hallmark of a good YA series ... the SPECIAL EDITION!

Coming up next...A total whore has dreams of cheerleading superstardom! No, I'm not talking about Jessica!

#8 Heart Breaker

2009-03-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

This is the last catch-up entry I'm doing today ... then I'll be ready to dive into #9! So let's get going.

The cover: A very pretty beach blue with Jessica twisting Bill Chase's gold chain around her finger. Jess's face looks really harsh. She also looks just like Madonna ... Madonna at age 50, that is. Bill is either resting his arm on an unseen shelf or on the back of Jessica's head. Weird. And, I actually really like Jessica's bikini!

The plot: Bill is that crazy good surfer boy who barely talks to anybody and lusts for Elizabeth from afar. At the end of Dear Sister, he finally made a play for Liz after his good buddy Todd told him it was fine, but Jessica somehow fooled him into thinking she was Liz and that caused him to fall in love with her, and when she revealed who she really was it was too late ... damage was done ... that makes no sense ... I'll now end this run-on sentence because that whole premise just kind of hurts me.

So now Bill has been reduced to a bumbling idiot who can't seem to get Jessica to pay him any attention. The two of them are starring in Splendor in the Grass, and while Jessica makes him rehearse the kissing scene over and over, she won't kiss him at any other time. Instead, she runs around with Tom McKay the tennis player and basically acts like an ass. All because Bill didn't want to go with her to some stupid ass dance. Yawn. Meanwhile, we learn about Bill's old surfer girl lover, Julianne, who died in a car wreck following a jealous fight he picked with her at a party. This has left him with a lot of guilt, and Bill's thoughts explain that he fell in love with Elizabeth because she looked and acted like Julianne, which means Jessica looks like Julianne, too, of course. (We've already learned all about this in Bill's character profile from a previous book.) Bill's good, mousy friend DeeDee Gordon is secretly in love with Bill, herself, but Bill doesn't realize that he loves DeeDee, too, until the end when he saves her from drowning as they practice for the upcoming women's surfing championship. Then mouth-to-mouth turns into mouth-to-mouth. That leaves Jessica out in the cold, which is funny since she's actually started to like Bill and dumps Tom for him. Even better, DeeDee's father, a Hollywood agent, picks Bill as the perfect actor to audition for roles when Jessica's convinced it's going to be her. Fail!

The subplot: We haven't had a good Liz and Todd fight since, oh, last book, so now we get the issue of Todd's sexy ex-redhead Patsy Webber from ninth grade, who's moved back to Sweet Valley after living in Paris for a while. Liz is terribly threatened, and Jessica, being a good sister, encourages Liz that Todd is probably cheating on her with Patsy. Eventually Todd explains to Elizabeth Wimpfield that no, he doesn't want Patsy back, and in fact, she just got dumped by her Paris boyfriend for someone else, thank you very much!

WTF? I actually don't have a whole lot of WTFs for this one. I think it's supposed to be a lighthearted reprieve after the heavyhandedness (I'm being saracastic) of books 6 and 7, but Bill's story about Julianne is a real downer, dude.

-In one of the earlier books, Jessica was described as a "sensational surfer" but here she is begging Bill for lessons.

-There are some quips about how sexy Richard Gere is. Hehe, Pretty Woman wasn't even out yet, either.

-We learn that Jessica once blabbed all over school that Bruce was going to take her to the Sophomore Fling (the tenth graders have their OWN dance?) but he took Lila instead. So why didn't Jessica treat Bruce the way she treated Bill?

-Elizabeth catches Todd rubbing suntan lotion all over Patsy's bare back. Sexxxy.

In the back of the book we have an order form inviting us to read the first SVH Super Thriller, as well as an order form for the Sweet Valley Twins series! (This printing of Heart Breaker is from 1988 - SVT and the thrillers weren't out in 1984 at the original printing.)

This book actually wasn't half bad. It was pretty well written compared to some others, especially since the plot line the ghostwriter had to work with was pretty dull. Of course, coming up next, we have the whole thing all over again, this time with Roger Barrett and Lila Fowler in the roles of Bill and Jessica! See you there.

#7 Dear Sister

2009-03-10T18:29:00.001-07:00

Ahhh, another Sweet Valley classic! I felt like I should be kicking back in a giant armchair by the fire, smoking a pipe and introducing Jessica as she cries by Elizabeth's bedside ...

The cover: A lovely lavender with a dead serious (and somehow very 30-something-looking) Jessica clutching a black and white picture of her sister, Elizabeth. The tag line, the blurb on the back, and the excerpt in the front of the book are all designed to make us think that Liz is in a coma for the entire book, and that we won't find out if she lives until the end. But...

The plot completely breezes past this part. Liz wakes up at the end of Chapter One, after several pages of helpless crying from Jessica and Todd and a sexy doctor convincing Jessica that all she has to do is beg Liz to wake up. So, yeah, Liz wakes up, and she flirts with that doctor and basically every other male she comes across - except Todd. She decides Enid is indeed a bore, that too much makeup is not enough, and that grades and chores are for chumps while clothes and boys-only parties at the Wakefield lair are totally awesome. Dreams of gangbangs? (She's talked out of that last idea by Jessica, who secretly wishes that they could have that kind of party!) So uh, she becomes Jessica, pretty much. Jessica is completely shocked and feels like she doesn't have a sister anymore, but when she tries to talk to her parents about it, they brush her off. Jess realizes Liz now equals Jessica with an extra dash of crazy and starts to see things from normal Liz's side ... or so we think. Todd decides that Liz just hates him because the accident is somehow his fault and slunks around the school moping and losing basketball games. Enid just kind of fades away after one confused conversation with Jessica. Nice. Meanwhile, I don't recall seeing any mention of Crunch McAllister getting his due for driving drunk! And if there is one, it's so small that I forgot all about it! A perfect opportunity to teach kids about driving drunk ... wasted. Way to go

Anyway, crazy new Liz:

Flirts with Mr. Collins. INAPPROP!
Writes a fake item in Eyes and Ears about Susan Stewart cheating on Ken Matthews so that she can get with Ken
Gets fired from the paper for writing that shit
Coaxes Winston into letting her copy his paper because she doesn't wanna do hers
Gets in big trouble for cheating
Pisses Lila off for trying to steal her boyfriend Tim (um, Tim who?)
Drives Max Dellon's motorcycle (Max is another Droid)
Causes Jessica and Todd to bond over the situation! WOW!
Gets wasted with Bruce at Lila's "pickup party" (yes, I said pickup party ... sounds like college!)
Rides off in Bruce's Porsche and is about to drunkenly do him when Todd punches Bruce and makes Liz go home
Stands up Bill Chase, who's been in love with her for a long time, to run off with Bruce
Almost bangs Bruce at his parents' beach house! He slides his hand onto her breast and she says it feels good! You dirty slut, Liz.

The only reason Bruce doesn't get to hit it with Liz is because she falls and hits her head in the bedroom and comes back to life. When she freaks out and tries to get away from Bruce, he tries to scare her into banging him with threats of ruining her reputation, and shows her how strong tennis has made his wrists by twisting Liz's around ... oh, Bruce, you silly rapist, you. Yes, another one. Liz wrecks Bruce's shit and tears out of the house and up the beach to find Todd and sob in his arms. Epic FAIL, Bruce!

The sub-plot ties in nicely. The Percy twins, twelve-year-old bores from down the street, come to stay with the Wakefields for a few weeks while their parents are away. The Wakefield twins are supposed to look after them, but of course Liz always takes off at just the right time, wrecking her sister's dates with Danny Stauffer (she's with him again) by forcing Jess to look after the twins instead. Eventually Jessica has to stand Danny up for a beach date to take the twins to a music audition (no cell phones = you lose) and when she does get to the beach, she spots Danny with his arm around some other girl. But then the twins help Jessica defend herself to her parents after she gets a speeding ticket and then hits some man's car.

WTF? Jessica has to promise Danny "anything" he wants (a blowjob?) in order to get him to take the twins along with them to their drive-in movie date.
-Jessica tells her reflection that she's glad she lost TWO POUNDS because "Danny wouldn't want to put his arms around a blimpo." Yes, because a size six with two extra pounds is a real blimpo, Jessica fucking Wakefield! I read this as a young, impressionable girl! Can I blame this chick for every body image problem I've ever had?
-The twins dress as "sexy matadors" for Lila's pickup party ... WHAT. THE. FUCK.
-Bruce keeps calling Liz "Sweet Liz." So creepy.
-After Liz stands up Bill, Jessica decides to take a page from her old book of tricks and impersonates Liz to go on the date with Bill. She's mad because Bill's never paid her any attention, even turning her down for the Sadie Hawkins dance one time. She gets Bill to admit he's fallen in love with her and makes out with him on the beach. then spills the beans about her real identity. She's doing this because the plan is somehow supposed to get Bill to fall out of love with Liz and in love with Jess. Because that makes tons of sense.

In the back of the book is nothing special.

Next up: Jessica torments Bill because she has learned nothing from Dear Sister.

#6 Dangerous Love

2009-03-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

Reading this book brought me back to my elementary school library and the treasure trove of very early SVHs it held ... ah, sweet memories. Nevermind, let's get going with this riveting tale of love and loss!

The plot: Todd and Liz made up in the last book after their first big breakup, so now it's time to throw something else their way. Todd has finally saved up enough money to get a Yamaha bike. He also wastes money on a hot pink helmet for Liz because she's too big of a baby to tell him she's not allowed to ride. You see, the Wakefields apparently had a cousin, Rexy, who was killed in a motorcycle accident three years ago. Ever since then, Ned and Alice have been convinced motorcycles are the devil and the twins are forbidden to ride one.

When Liz eventually bites the bullet and tells Todd the truth, he's disappointed and offers to chat with her parents. They're pleased he asked them about it, but still refuse to let Liz ride. Todd's bike gets a lot of attention from the other kids at school. He even stops Jerry "Crunch" McAllister (another teenaged drunk) from beating the crap out of Danny Stauffer for hitting his giant van, simply by distracting him with his flashy bike. All the girls swoon, and Todd can now make good use of that helmet by giving other girls, like Enid Rollins and Mandy Farmer, rides around town. Who the hell is Mandy Farmer? She's apparently "shapely." Liz seethes with jealousy and probably secretly wishes Enid would shut the fuck up about her boring sweet 16 birthday party plans, because I know I do. Uh, anyway, Liz accepts a ride home with Guy Chesney (from The Droids) one day, who's still a bit of a douche and hits on her. Todd seethes with jealousy at THAT. Liz concocts a romance in her head between Todd and Mandy and starts flipping out, but it turns out Mandy is actually getting together with Winston Egbert, who finally appears to be over pseudo-trollop Jessica Wakefield. They straighten it out and laugh at their idiocy, but Liz gets steamed again when Todd takes forever to show up at Enid's boring country club party. (I think I'm just jealous because I never had a big sweet sixteen.) By the time he does show up, everyone but Enid's mother have taken off to dance at some all ages club called the Caravan, and Liz's ride, Jessica, is at Miller's Point rolling around in the backseat with Enid's college-age cousin, Brian. What a shock! Todd explains he's been with Crunch McAllister because Crunch is going to buy Todd's bike. Liz is both sad and happy and she then cajoles Todd into giving her a ride to the Caravan. Meanwhile, Jessica feels guilty for being a mean bitch and gets Brian to grudgingly drive them back to the country club to check on Liz. On the way there, they come across THE ACCIDENT: Todd's crumpled bike and Crunch's van! Jessica freaks out wondering how she's going to tell Liz that something has happened to her boyfriend, when she happens to see Liz lying on the ground unconscious and bloodied. She was thrown from the bike when drunken Crunch hit them head on, and she wasn't wearing her helmet. The book ends with the Wakefield family gathered in the hospital as Liz lies in a coma and Ned Wakefield tries not to strangle Todd to death! WILL LIZ LIVE?

The subplot: There isn't one ... unless you count Jessica's dating adventures, which I don't. She is hanging out with Danny Stauffer until his fight with Crunch. Since Danny doesn't successfully defend himself, she's disgusted and needles Liz into asking Enid to get her together with Brian. (Is this the cousin who told Enid about the wild college slumber party?) It's implied that Brian feels Jessica up when she has to adjust the straps of her top, or something.

WTF? -When we found out the Wakefields' cousin was named Rexy, did anyone else think "OH REXY! You're so ... SEXY!" Empire Records? Anyone?
-Speaking of Rexy, I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason he was described as like a brother to Jessica, yet we never heard anything about him in any of the series about the twins' younger days (that I know of)? I guess by the time they started rolling those out, they figured the readers were too young to deal with someone being killed off.
-I don't get why Rexy's death is the motorcycle's fault. It says he was killed in a head-on collision with a station wagon. If he'd been in a car, he probably still would have been killed or at least very seriously injured. It's not like the motorcycle made him drift into the path of the wagon.
-And, why is Liz's coma Todd's fault? Or even Liz's fault? Crunch is the drunk dickhead that hit them!
-A big part of the story is the re-opening of the Dairi Burger after a remodeling project, but I don't remember it ever being closed!
-We learn the Dairi Burger is owned by the Doherty brothers. I don't think they were mentioned before.
-Jerry McAllister HAS been mentioned before ... in Sweet Valley Twins! And I seem to remember he was a pretty nice dude in that series! This was before his "Crunch" nickname.
-I was going to make fun of Liz's melodramatic whining that Enid shared something (a motorcycle ride) with Todd that Liz "never can." Never? I mean, for fuck's sake, when you're 18 you can take all the rides with Todd you want, Liz! (assuming you are actually still speaking to one another) But, then I remembered that when I was 16, 18 seemed an eternity away. And I understood. Just a little.

The cover...does not fit with the story. The only time Liz rides Todd's motorcycle is at night, and it's daytime here. Neither of them are wearing helmets although Todd, at least, always did. Todd has nice arms though. I have never ridden a motorcycle (although I'd really like to), but the way they're sitting doesn't look like the way you should sit on a motorcycle. Liz, for one, seems like she'd fly right off the back of it!

In the back of the book we get a character profile for Mr. Collins, in which we learn of his disastrous divorce, his love for his son Teddy, and his relationship with Ms. Dalton, the teacher. (No more Mr. Fowler!) We also get an excerpt from SVH book 7, which is designed to make us think that maybe Liz is going to die! Book order forms include one for the Super Editions, which weren't out when this book was originally released (this isn't a first printing, of course) and which are made out to be the most fun books in the world (which they kind of are).

Coming up next ... I don't think I'm spoiling anything by telling you that yes, Liz lives. But is she the same person? DUN DUN DUN ...

#5 All Night Long

2009-03-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is one Sweet Valley book I've read multiple times! I'm not sure why. I think there was just always a copy of this around somewhere.

The plot: The blurb on the back of the book is completely misleading. We learn that Jessica is determined to go out with someone who's older than her (a college dude) and suffer through his complete jerkass behavior, just so her friends will be impressed. But this leads to her getting into an uncomfortable situation in which the jerk in question unties her bikini top. Gee ... sound familiar?

The blurb makes us think that the main point of this story is that Elizabeth is concerned when Jessica doesn't come home from a college beach party with Scott, and wonders what she may have done. "Where's Jessica? Why has she stayed out all night long?" It's supposed to make us think that Jess may have lost her virginity (dude, I just assumed the lothario Bruce Patman stole it in book 3) which as we know would make her an outcast for life. Her family would be shamed and would have to move from Sweet Valley, and neither Jess nor Liz could be married off and would become old maids.

Well, by the end of chapter three, the questions raised by the back of the book have already been answered! Jessica goes to the college beach gathering, where she listens to some older girls bitch about having to hide their sex lives from parents and dorm mothers (did they still have dorm mothers back in the 80s?) and feels uncomfortable and too young when everyone starts passing around beer (which she sips) and joints. When she overhears the college kids talking about how young she is, she throws mud and pebbles all over Scott to flirt with him and get him to chase her. Yes, because that is so grown-up. He shoves his hand down her bikini bottom, takes her to a deserted beach shack, unties her bikini top and tries to force himself on her even after she threatens to scream, as he laughs in her face that nobody can hear her. But he decides not to be a rapist (how kind of him) when "Jessie, baby" begs him to leave her alone and threatens to tell her parents! Good god, he's like Bruce Patman with a porno mustache. You sure know how to pick 'em, Jess. While Scott leaves her alone (literally - he leaves her in the shack to find her way back), he implies this is all her fault for not putting out after she teased him and insinuates she should be grateful he didn't rape her. What a winner. Jessica finds her way back to the cabin the group has rented in the woods, where everyone but Scott is off doing it in the bedrooms, and a drunken Scott tells her if she wants a ride home, she has to sleep with him. "I'd rather sleep with a grizzly bear!" Jessica yells. GOLDEN. She goes to sleep on the floor and calls Liz the next day to explain that she's coming home.

So here's the real plot: Liz is forced to cover for Jess by pretending to be her for the day. She goes through all sorts of elaborate scenarios to pull this off and protects Jessica's precious reputation (hasn't it already been ruined by Bruce Patman, who told the whole school they were doing it in book 3?) by telling Cara that she humiliated Scott after he tried to get fresh. Of course, since this is Liz, she wrestles with her conscience all day long, especially after Todd gets on her ass for fixing Jessica's shitty mess for her, and they have a big fight and pretty much break up. She takes Jess' tour guide test for her but fails miserably because she is so upset, although the teacher lets her take it again (after the real Jess has returned). So, yeah. And, in the end, what did Jessica learn? Absolutely nothing, except that she can get away with murder because her sister will always cover for her. Awesome!

This book talks about sex and sexy situations far more than other SVH so far. It also has cuss words! ("Damn") I love it!

Sub-plot: Sonny Callahan and everybody's favorite SVH golden boy, Bill Chase compete for the top title in the surfing championship. Bill wins. Duh. It's perfectly 80s fun :)

WTF? I don't think we ever learned how Jessica did get home ... did we? I assume she rode back with Scott the next morning.
Enid's older cousin "reported" that a college party she went to had a slumber party theme (but those are the best!) with mattresses strewn all over the floor, and "things had gotten pretty far out of hand, especially with all the drinking that was going on." Orgy!
A "Bo Derek"-lookalike slyly warns Jessica about Scott's "reputation" but doesn't explain what that's supposed to mean. What, a reputation as a rapist?
Jessica gets mad when she has to hike back to the cabin by herself, and curses people in her head ... "Damn Scott! Damn Elizabeth! Damn everybody!" Real mature, Jessica! But, even better ... CUSSING! In a Sweet Valley book! I remember being a little scandalized by this when I first read it as a kid!

The cover: It's a rather hideous peachy-red color. Scott has a pornstache. Take a good look at his face beyond that and you'll see he actually looks rather young ... as in, Jessica's age or younger. Jessica's bikini top is kind of Charlie's Angels-ish.

In the back of the book: We get a listing of synopses for the first four SVH books, character profiles of Bill and Lila, and an excerpt from book 6. We learn about Bill's dead girlfriend, whom we'll hear about again in book 8, and Lila's family history. Did you know that Mr. Fowler isn't her real dad? I could swear this idea is never mentioned again, but I haven't read any of the post-Jungle Prom books so I could be wrong ... Also included: the requisite order forms for Caitlin, SVH and Sweet Dreams.

What's next? Sweet Valley High's first life-and-death situation! OHMIGOD!

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Program ...

2009-03-02T22:02:00.000-08:00

...hmmm, so, where's #5 already? Where's that classic tome of love and woe and Jessica Wakefield? Well, fear not, it will be up soon. But while you wait, let me suggest a pleasant diversion ... the chance to win a copy of Laurie Halse Anderson's acclaimed young adult novel (one of them, that is :), Speak. This giveaway is over soon, so hurry for your chance to win!

Just head to one of the following blogs to see how to enter:

Presenting Lenore
http://presentinglenore.blogspot.com/2009/02/lets-talk-about-winning-speak-contest.html

AND/OR (you'll actually want to go to both for more chances to win -- you'll see why):

Reviewer X
http://reviewerx.blogspot.com/2009/02/lets-talk-about-winning-speak.html

Hope that the excitement of possibly winning a copy of your very own distracts you from my lack of recent posts! Talk to you again soon!

luv,
lila patman

#4 Power Play

2009-02-27T17:04:00.000-08:00

This is the one in which Jessica Wakefield tries to sabotage some poor innocent person! Oh, wait ... that's every book so far!

The Cover: ...is a depressing gray. That's somehow appropriate for the subject matter. Liz and Jess are all up in each other's faces! They look ... different from the previous covers. I somehow figured their profile views wouldn't be quite so delicately featured. Jessica's shirt is really farmgirl. Ha ha ha, the cover of Sweet Valley Twins: April Fools shows Jessica dressed up in a red gingham shirt in order to make people think she's Liz, because only Liz would wear one of those, right? HA HA HA! Tables have turned!

The Plot: Robin Wilson is an overweight social outcast whose greatest dream in life is to join Pi Beta Alpha. She believes that if she does this, everyone will suddenly adore and love her. Even sadder, she also believes that Jessica Wakefield (now the PBA president -- how does that work? she's only a junior) is her best friend, despite the fact that Jessica treats her like an underling, running the errands that Jessica is too lazy to do. Jessica makes snotty comments about Robin behind her back and leads her on into thinking that yes, she will be a PBA pledge. Liz realizes that Jessica will never actually do this, so she goes ahead and shows up for her first meeting in eons just to nominate Robin. Jessica flips out and screams and yells at Liz for daring to do such a thing (after the meeting, of course). Liz is determined, though; Robin's mom has been talking to her about badly Robin wants to be in the sorority! So thus our great "power play" is set up: Bitchy McBitcherson vs. Saint Liz the Meddler (Robin's new confidante).

Of course, this is Jessica's cue to override Liz by sending Robin on all sorts of pledge tasks that are extremely degrading and demeaning, which are:

Going to the beach, in a bikini. Liz is a dumbass and doesn't understand why Robin is so upset about this. Jeez, even size sixes get nervous about showing up half-naked in front of their friends. Oh, I forgot: her body is perfect. *eye roll*
Running laps around the track every day while kids sit on bleachers and yell taunts at her. Why the hell does she think these kids are her friends? She honestly seems to think that she deserves this kind of treatment and it's really sad.
Getting Bruce Patman to go to some disco dance with her. As he was yelling the worst of the comments at the track, it's pretty much guaranteed he will say no. And yes, I said disco! It's 1984 ... was disco still popular then?

Elizabeth is so desperate for Robin to get into PBA that she bribes Bruce into agreeing to take Robin to the dance by promising to write a dumb tennis star article about him for The Oracle. Liz fucking sucks for pandering to Robin's desperate need for approval like that. She's just setting her up to be blackballed. Like Jessica is actually going to vote to let her in.

So yeah, Bruce takes Robin and he leaves her out into the middle of the floor, gets everyone's attention, then publicly humiliates her about her weight with everyone listening. After he leaves her standing there, she runs into the bathroom where Liz dumbly tries to comfort her and Enid blocks people from coming in .... hysterical. Yeah, if I had to pee, I'd really let Enid Rollins stop me from getting to the toilet. Meanwhile, Todd gets all up in Bruce's face about what he did, so Liz runs out there to break that up while sending "shy" Allen Walters after Robin, who's run out of the school. They bond and agree to go back and have one more dance.

Needless to say, when pledge time comes around, Robin is blackballed. She is stunned. Really, Robin? Elizabeth is disgusted and shocked. Really, Liz? Robin goes into a stupor and stops talking to people. Then she starts exercising and dieting. In a matter of a few weeks, she miraculously loses all that weight, becomes co-captain of the cheerleaders, and beats Jessica out for Miss Sweet Valley High. Yep. YEP.

Robin gets together with Allen, and all is well. She sure showed them! Now she's the equivalent of homecoming queen (I guess -- if she's that, then where does that leave Jessica, the Fall Queen?) and a cheerleader. Everything anybody at SVH ever dreamed of. She is invited by PBA to join them after all, but thankfully the ghostwriter has her turn their bitch asses down!

The subplot: Lila Fowler keeps stealing stuff from luxury store Lisette's and giving it to Jessica when she gets tired of it. Elizabeth figures it out and has to come save Jessica from being arrested when she goes shopping with Lila. Lila is arrested and Elizabeth has to testify for her character in juvenile court. Mr. Fowler takes them out for dinner at the Palomar House, which we learn is the poshest restaurant in Sweet Valley. Jessica is furious with Liz for not explaining to her what's going on with Lila, and is too dumb to figure out that LILA was the one doing the shoplifting!

WTF? I have a whole lot of WTF's for this book, but I'll try to keep them down ...
-Let's start with the obvious: Robin Wilson somehow dropping all that weight, when she was described as grossly obese before, in a matter of weeks is ridiculous. Unless "grossly obese" in Sweet Valley world equates to a size 8. Which wouldn't surprise me!
-Most hilarious quote in the entire book: Part of the football team runs through the cafeteria with a banner that reads: "ROBIN HAS US THROBBIN'." HAHAHA
-The people at Lisette's are aware that someone is stealing from them and make a big deal out of telling Liz they have enhanced security measures in place (because for a time, they're convinced she is the thief). So they just go ahead and keep their jewelry out on the counter where anyone can get to it. 14K gold rings are just right there for anybody to grab, not in a case. Makes sense.
-The girls at school are described as transforming into fashion plates in order to get voted Miss Sweet Valley High. Something must have been wrong with my high school, because nobody gave a crap about shit like that.
-Although I thoroughly enjoyed this book, I must say the writing style was a wee tad melodramatic. And the dialogue makes me think that the same ghostwriter wrote this and Double Love.
-I find it really strange that Robin appears to have no friends simply because she's fat, especially since she's also described as being smart and kind. Sure, the popular crowd didn't want her around, but do you mean to tell me everyone is an equally shallow asshole at this place?
-Liz is horrified when Robin chows down on a candy bar as a reaction to stress. "'Robin, doesn't eating like that make you - don't say 'fat,' she warned herself - break out?'" Way to go, Liz. 1) I'm sure Robin is well aware that her snack choice is not the best in the world and 2) nice cover-up. For some reason Robin actually can't tell what Liz was about to say.
-When Robin starts dieting near the end of the book, she eats "lettuce leaves, two tomato slices, and a hard-boiled egg." Dude, that sounds like a crash diet to me! For fuck's sake! What a great example of a proper way to diet, Francine. Kill me.
-Robin paid attention to The Iliad in class, so she's awesome in my book!

Ads in the back of the book: Nothing fun. Just your typical SVH and Sweet Dreams mail-in order forms.

Next time: Jessica might get done by a college boy!

#3 Playing with Fire

2009-02-26T11:45:00.001-08:00

OOOH! I’m very excited about this one; it’s one of the few early SVH books that I didn’t read as a kid. Something about the pink of this cover takes me right back to my 80s series reading ... Secret of the Unicorn Queen, Sweet Valley Kids, Twins, and High, Camp Sunnyside Friends, Girl Talk, BSC, all of it! Speaking of the cover ...

The cover: Not much to say about this one except that it's definitely appropriate for the subject matter. Bruce looks extremely possessive and also like a tool, which he is. I'm also pretty positive the cover model for Bruce was Patrick Muldoon! Don't they look a lot alike? I wish there was a way we could find out who posed for all these paintings!

The plot: So, what’s going on here? Well, Jessica is still mad that she’s stuck with Winston Egbert, as she's Fall Queen and he's Fall King. Yes, a fate worse than death, Jess. But things change when SVH has a dance-off contest and Bruce finally notices Jess after he steps in to save her from Winston’s clumsy feet. Winston is duly humiliated. I feel really bad for him and kind of want to give him a hug! But seriously, Winston, why are you after this girl? She's mean!

Jess and Bruce become a couple and Liz is immediately worried her sister is going to get her cherry popped and starts following them around. I'm sorry, was that too vulgar? Well, that seems to be the whole basis of this book! The blurb on the back even talks about how Liz is worried about "how far" her sister will go for Bruce. Remember, virginity is the most important virtue of respectable young ladies of Sweet Valley (just the ladies, though), and if Jessica loses it, she's RUINED!

Anyway, they all go to a post-dance party at Ken Matthews’s lakeside house. Ken is back with Lila again so I guess he’s already forgiven her for last book’s escapades. Jessica stops Bruce from taking off her bikini top in the middle of the lake ... oh my, this is scandalous! It says: "...Jessica had no idea what he was doing until she felt the cool water swirl under her bikini top and hit her breasts." THE GHOSTWRITER SAID "BREASTS." Now, Jessica is scared that if she appears too slow, Bruce will ditch her, but she doesn't like the way this is going, so she coyly ties her top back on and suggests they go into the woods instead … because yeah, he definitely won’t try anything there. Liz freaks out and deliberately interrupts them … this scene is just hysterical. She hears them rolling around in the leaves and is mortified but knows she must stop them... and of course, she doesn't succeed. She really sounds like a parent in this scene, pretty much ordering Jessica to get up NOW ... nice try, Liz. Jessica spends the rest of the book acting completely un-Jessica like. She deliberately flubs a tennis game because Bruce gets mad when she beats him, lets Bruce literally order her around (under his spoken threat that he will dump her if she defies him), and buys a bunch of boring new outfits because Bruce likes them. She skips class to make out with him on the lawn, where apparently nobody notices but Liz ... at my school, we had a "resource officer" who roamed around yelling at ALL the slobbering couples. I know because he got me a few times. Jessica also ditches her schoolwork for Bruce and winds up concocting an elaborate scheme to blackmail Emily Mayer into letting her cheat off Emily's chem test .. but Emily confesses to the chem teacher! She doesn't rat out Jessica, though. At first this pissed me off, till I remembered that "snitches get stitches".... I guess it was important to protect the young readers.

J and B spend all their dates down at the beach parking and I can only imagine what's going on down there ... geee, I guess he finally got that bikini top untied. At the end of the book, everyone goes to Bruce's 18th birthday celebration, which to me is hysterical, because don't they all hate him? Well, hey, he IS rich, kids. Jessica is upset because she thought they were going to have a nice date for the two of them, because that's what Bruce told her, because again, he's a dick. Bruce leaves Jessica sitting a a table by herself for hours while he dances with other chicks. I mean, he literally tells her to just stay there and so she does! This is honestly one of the saddest scenes I have read in an SVH book ... sadder than when certain characters died. Jessica is most definitely a shell of who she was in this scene ... even Liz wouldn't have succumbed to this much emotional abuse. Everybody goes out for pizza, and Bruce acts like he's going to go home, so Jessica agrees to ride home with Elizabeth and Todd. Then Liz gets Todd to take a long time going home, then turn around and come back to the pizza place (I believe it was the famed Guido's) only to find Bruce is still there ... WITH ANOTHER GIRL! Jessica shows her true colors, dumps pizza and soda on Bruce and causes him to fall backwards into the water fountain ... a pizza place with a water fountain? That's pretty sweet. Jessica also lets the air out of his tires! I knew someone who let the air out of my ex-boyfriend's tires in high school! But it wasn't me! (unfortunately)

Sub-plot: Robin Wilson is an obese girl who follows Jessica around trying to get her attention, which Jessica of course uses to her full advantage by having her run errands for her. So a girl with no self-esteem gets used by another girl with no self-esteem who's being used by somebody else.
-The Droids (Dana, Emily, Guy, Max, and Dan) get a shady manager who promises to make them big stars, but they wind up just playing crap clubs. Turns out the manager just wants some of Dana ... who if I'm not mistaken is only 16 ... this sub-plot was kind of boring.

WTF? The whole theme of this book is to be yourself and avoid giving up everything for a guy ... which to me contrasts somewhat with the underlying series theme that you aren't really anyone till you have a hot man interested in you. I know some people who read this one back in the day would say that Jessica was just getting what she deserved, but I find it really sad that this crazy loudmouthed biotch can be reduced to such a timid mouse just because her stupid boyfriend thinks she should. That's emotional abuse, and it was bad enough in this book that I halfway expected Bruce to start beating Jessica up. I actually wish the book would have showed more depth with this topic, but what am I saying? This is a Sweet Valley book.
-Did any of your schools have dance-off contests? ‘Cause I thought it was just Bayside High before this.
-Apparently Bruce previously dated Lila, Cara Walker (who tells Liz he tried to control her too), and Heather Morgan and dumped them all. Lila considers herself a Bruce expert so Jessica consults her for advice on catching this patsy fool. Oh, Lila. Why didn't you say "Stay the hell away"?
-And, expert on Bruce? Does this mean Lila had sex with the Patman? NOOO WAY.
-Bruce drives a black Porsche with 1BRUCE1 license plates. This is probably a well-known fact among most of you reading this, but I just had to mention it!
-I'm actually surprised that Jessica dumped Bruce and flipped out the second she saw him at Guido's with that chick ... because up until that moment it was pretty obvious that he was starting to ditch her to get some elsewhere.
-Isn't it odd that the Wakefield parents didn't do more to keep Jessica away from this creep? If my parents had seen me literally mooning around at home waiting for the phone to ring and acting the way Jess does in this book, they would've pulled the plug on that mess right quick.

Ads in the back of the book: Includes mail-away form for the first Caitlin trilogy, another Francine Pascal series. I never read any of those, or saw them anywhere, for that matter but they appear to star a Lila Fowler-like character. Another form for a Sweet Dreams spin-off series called On Our Own, which I never heard of before. AND a form I remember quite well, for the free Love Letters newsletter! It includes "The latest gossip about the SWEET VALLEY HIGH gang", "The real life stories about SWEET DREAMS cover girls" and "Who's in love ... and who's not." How could you turn that down! I know I never sent away for this one and now I'm kicking myself! It was FREE! I would pay a pretty penny to get some of these newsletters now. Because I thrive on all things retro pop culture. Also because I do not have all of my marbles.

Coming up next: Jessica hates people who aren't a size six.

#2 Secrets

2009-02-24T10:03:00.001-08:00

Special Note: Thanks to LEAH for swapping me a few new copies of the re-issued SVH series (YAY!!!) for some old SVH books! Also, if anyone has a SVH or SV-related blog that I haven't already linked to on the right ... please let me know the details so I can post yours, too! I love reading the writing of fellow SV lovers! :)

On to the book...
It's the one in which we will learn the TRUTH about that nerdy Enid Rollins! You might recall in the last book that Enid kept hinting to Elizabeth that she knew a thing or two about drinking and slutting around! Here it comes!

The Cover: This was one of my favorites as a kid. Check out Elizabeth's perfectly shocked expression. Doesn't she look like 30-something mom angry at something her kid did in this picture? Or a schoolteacher? Jess is hilarious with her mischievous face and pastel pink, perfectly 80s landline phone!

The Plot: Enid Rollins reveals to Elizabeth that her old druggie boyfriend, George Warren, has been writing letters to her from college. Yes, that’s right, I said old DRUGGIE boyfriend! See, about two years ago, Enid reacted to her parents’ divorce by becoming a wild party animal. It’s even implied that she had SEX (or, at least, she's "not ... pure"). The fun ended when she and George struck a little boy with George’s car while they were cruising around buzzing on speed. Enid cleaned up, and is desperate to keep this shameful secret from everyone at school. Because seeing the way they reacted to Elizabeth’s supposed one wild night in the last book, we already know what they’d have to say about Enid!

Now, George is clean and wants to see her, but Enid is scared her dickish boyfriend Ronnie will find out and dump her. She loves Ronnie for some reason that I can’t figure out. He sounds like an ass. Enid shows Elizabeth the letters, and dumbly drops one under Liz’s bed, where Jessica finds it. Jessica sees Enid as her only real competition for queen of the Fall Ball (Enid Rollins? Really Jess?), and so she makes a copy of the letter and sticks it in Ronnie’s locker, knowing that Ronnie will now make sure nobody votes for Enid. Especially since this letter just happens to be the one which details everything in Enid’s past. Ronnie reacts to the letter by getting rough with Enid in his car and yelling that he knows she’s not as "pure" as she pretends! Enid is devastated to lose the love of this upstanding young man.

Enid blames mild-mannered, dependable old Liz for letting the secret out, and of course Jessica helps her keep this notion. So Ronnie takes Jessica to the ball after she basically throws herself at him at one of Lila Fowler’s wine and cheese parties, which helps cement her win as Queen. Hysterical. But sexy clean Sweet Valley College boy George Warren saves the day by showing up to take Enid to the ball, and they fall in love instantly. Ooooo. Enid and Liz make up, but Liz is too wimpy to let her sister have it and tell Enid who really spilled the secret. Instead, Liz gets back at Jessica by getting everyone to vote for Winston as Fall King instead of Jessica’s beloved Bruce Patman, spreading rumors that Jessica is crushing on Winston. Everyone thinks that's adorable, so clearly Winston isn't as big of a nerd as Jessica keeps acting like he is. Liz also forces Jessica to kiss Winston in front of everyone by threatening to tell everyone what Jessica did to Enid if she doesn’t. But wait! You mean to tell me that would be worse than Enid’s slatternly behavior at this school? But Jessica moans and cries because Bruce Patman isn’t the king and is waltzing around with some 19-year-old ... gross. WAAAAAAH Jessica. Cry me a fucking river!

The Sub-plot: Lila is mad that her fledgling relationship with high school football hero Ken Matthews is in danger because he has a crush on French teacher Ms. Dalton. Even worse, Ms. Dalton is dating Lila’s father! So Lila spreads a rumor that Ken and Ms. Dalton are doing it. Ms. Dalton reacts by ceasing to teach for a while … why is it that pretty much every woman/girl in this book is a total wimp for the most part? Don’t worry, the truth comes out so Ms. Dalton doesn’t have to stand up for herself or anything. She returns to school and Ken ditches Lila.

WTF? Why is it that virginity is like a precious diamond for women to hang on to at this school? AND, apparently, once you’ve had sex that gives every dude license to treat you like you're walking around with a giant "ASKING FOR IT" sign. Enid’s not pure, so Ronnie can stop being "gentle" now! Wonderful!
-I guess this is just 80s slang, but someone who doesn’t drink or do any drugs is called "straight"… as in, "George was totally straight now." HAHAHA

In the Back of the Book: An ad for the Sweet Dreams romances, among other things! I remember I tried to read those, but they bored me.

Coming up next... Jessica finally lands that smug tool, Bruce Patman!

#1 Double Love

2009-02-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

We're going straight back to October 1983 for this, our intro to Sweet Valley, the most perfect, Saved by the Bell-like town in the world!

Fair warning: Since this is the first book and is packed with sub-plots, this is going to be the longest entry ever!

The cover: I don't know what it is about this particular cover, but every single copy I have ever come across has some kind of big scratch across either Jessica or Elizabeth's face! Mine has a slight white dot on Liz's mouth. The twins don't look too bad in this pic. I love Jessica's mischievous smile. She's all ready for some good old fashioned boy stealin'. And they're wearing those gold lavaliers. You know something, I have never heard of a "lavalier" outside of an SVH book.

Who are these girls? They're Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, those famous size-six, sunstreaked blonde, blue-green-eyed 16-year-old twins with the matching dimples in their left cheeks. Don't worry, if you didn't memorize these details the first time, they will be mentioned again, like on every other page of this book.

Jessica is the outgoing, "dazzling" (read: bitchy) co-captain of the SVH cheerleaders (odd since she's only a junior), and Elizabeth is a studious, sweethearted wuss who lets her sister walk all over her and get whatever she wants, then sits at home and cries about it all day. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Okay, so both girls are pledging the "best" SVH sorority, Pi Beta Alpha, but Jessica is the only one who really gives a shit about it. Liz is too busy with her secret writing gig as the "Eyes and Ears" gossip columnist for the SVH newspaper, The Oracle. It's a tradition every year that when the identity of the Eyes and Ears columnist is discovered, that person gets tossed, fully-clothed, into the school swimming pool. Considering that Liz is supposed to be kindhearted and non-gossipy, it seems odd that she would be writing this column and not Jessica. But whatever ...

The twins hang out with a bunch of big shot jocks, snobby cliquish chicks, and a couple of nerds at places like the Dairi Burger restaurant and school dances, which appear to be held every other week. SVH's "hottest" rock band, The Droids, always play at each dance. I guess that makes them the only SVH band.

The plot: Liz is crushing hard on Todd Wilkins, the star of the basketball team. He obviously likes her too, but when Jessica figures this out, she flips out! How DARE a cute boy prefer Liz to her! She starts hanging around Todd all the time, and Liz just steps back. She thinks she was wrong and that he does want Jess, and she doesn't dare interfere. Yes, Liz, he's following you around all over school, trying to talk to you, and looking less than thrilled whenever your sister interrupts, but yeah, he really wants her, not you! That makes so much sense. Liz is secretly devastated that she can't have Todd, but she decides to be oh-so-noble and not say a word and instead sits at home crying miserably about her bad luck ... on way too many pages.

Meanwhile, Jessica's plan to snare Todd isn't going as well as she'd hoped, so it's even more hilarious that Liz is too much of a dumbass to see that Todd wants HER. Jessica is so irritated that Todd isn't paying enough attention to her that she does this little hip-swaying walk home to attract men ... yes, great idea Jess, attract strange men to make yourself feel better. She's propositioned by Rick Andover, the classic trashy high school dropout, who comes screeching up next to her and demands that she go on a date with him. They wind up at Kelly's, a total dive bar down at the beach. Jessica demurely sips her beer while having a panic attack over the atmosphere and the fact that Rick is pretty much trying to finger her under the table. Okay, he just slides his hand around on her knee but he's definitely trying to get some. Jessica is properly horrified! Of course, she had NO IDEA that this crazy man who picked her up while she was swinging her ass around might want to DO HER! She asks Rick to take her home, he says no way, and a fight breaks out when this big burly dude tries to help out Jessica's crying, whiny, terrified ass. A cop shows up and takes Jessica home. As she's blubbering out what happened, he asks for her name. Being an ace cop, the dude doesn't ask for Jessica's ID or anything. When she sobs "Wakefield" he just assumes she's Elizabeth ... this is getting better and better.

The cop drops Fake Liz off at her house and yells at "Elizabeth" that he doesn't want to see her out with Rick Andover again. Nosy neighbor Caroline Pierce overhears and runs home to dial up everyone on her Princess phone (yes, that's what it says!) and spread the word! Oh my! The next day, everyone at school is SHOCKED and APPALLED by this clearly unbelievable behavior. Everyone knows that anyone who goes to KELLY'S to drink BEER with RICK ANDOVER is obviously a complete slutface. Liz is branded Trollop of the Year and everyone starts treating her like shit. Filthy rich, whorish, asshole Bruce Patman cracks jokes about her "talents" (DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT!). Boring Enid Rollins assures Liz she'll always be her best friend even though she's completely ruined her reputation (without actually coming out and telling Liz what she's talking about!). Todd W. is just in dismay and miserable at Liz's behavior, that is such an affront to him personally. Because they're dating and all! Because he's not letting Jessica totally cock-block him or anything!

Liz is so wimpy that she goes a whole day without asking anyone what the fuck is going on, and once she does realize what happened she's still too wimpy to come out and make it known that Jessica was the big offender, not her. Jessica cries and moans about what a terrible place Kelly's is -- there was DRINKING! and FIGHTING! no way! Not at A BAR! - and agrees to tell Todd the truth, but she does half-heartedly, and he thinks she's just trying to protect Liz. So he makes out with her in front of the whole school (which earns all kinds of whistles -- apparently kids making out at high school is unheard of), and agrees to take her to the fraternity-sorority dance. Jessica is delighted with herself, but Liz keeps crying alone in her room. See, she can't just come out and tell everyone what really happened, because Jessica is just so "adorable" that she can't bear to do this to her sister. Wow, they both suck.

Liz is stuck going to the dance with class clown Winston Egbert, who has been in love with Jessica for all of his life despite the fact she is a complete biotch to him (like she is to everyone). Todd and Liz spend the evening staring longingly across the gym floor at one another. Awwww, waaaah. This mopefest ends when Liz goes home early to cry some more and to imagine that Todd is out feeling up Jessica. In reality, Todd is actually on the porch with Jessica, privately mooning over Liz and giving Jess a chaste peck on the cheek. Jessica is so furious that he didn't try to tongue her or anything that she runs upstairs and concocts a story for her sister that Todd basically tried to rape her in his car. Liz is very angry and automatically believes this story because she is a complete idiot.

Now, this is not to say that Todd is a fantastic person. He calls Liz up and very condescendingly tells her he's decided to grant her his forgiveness for going out with Rick Andover. Liz thinks he's trying to apologize for groping her sister, and when she realizes what he's really saying ... oh blah. It's supposed to be a hilarious mix-up scene but it actually just pissed me off! Todd is such a douchebag and Liz is such a doormat! These two deserve each other. But before we can finally end this charade, we have to read through some bullshit where Liz sees Todd with the Droids' drummer Emily Mayer at the Dairi Burger and cries some more as she assumes he's dating her now. LAME, LIZ. LAME.

The truth is FINALLY revealed when Rick Andover forces his way into the twins' car as they drive home in their mom's little red Fiat Spider. He takes them on a crazy joyride around the DB parking lot, where Todd picks up the chase at the sight of Liz's terrified face! I'm surprised he didn't think she deserved it. Todd corners Rick at Kelly's and saves the day by knocking him out cold. Jessica runs to kiss Todd but Liz finally grows some ovaries and pushes Jessica out of the way and kisses Todd herself. Now, keep in mind that at this point, Liz still thinks Todd tried to assault Jessica! She's already spent some time trying to rationalize it in her brain. Yes, let's all rationalize attempted sexual assault so we can still feel okay about dating the assaulter, sounds great. They go home and Liz's daydreams about Todd stroking her hair become reality as they smooch in the car after finding out that no, Todd did not try to force himself on Jessica and no, it wasn't Liz at Kelly's, it was Jess! Liz then storms upstairs and gets the truth out of her sister, who of course twists it all around for her benefit. Liz still manages to get her twin tossed in the SVH pool at a school party. She does this by tricking Jess into dressing as Liz, and then getting Dana to announce that Liz is the Eyes and Ears chick ... ha, ha, Jess. The end.

The sub-plots: The twins' older brother Steven acts all weird and loony because he's moping over his secret girlfriend, Tricia Martin, who comes from the trashiest family in town. Tricia is mad because he doesn't want to be seen with her. At the same time, the twins are harassing him because they think he's actually banging her slutty young sister, Betsy Martin, who has the worst reputation in school. I guess she must hang out at Kelly's a lot. Steve finally gets approval to date Tricia from his parents (who rightly note that at 18, he can date who he wants, for fuck's sake). This is after he's been crying in bed like a loser for a few weekends in a row over the girl HE TREATED LIKE CRAP BECAUSE HE'S TOO MUCH OF A MAMA'S BOY TO TELL HIS FAMILY ABOUT HER, then runs off and says "sorry" to Tricia and she instantly forgives him.

The "old rich" Patmans and the "nouveau riche" Fowlers have a big fight over who gets to do what with the SVH football field; each wants to develop it for some nefarious purpose. This whole thing is resolved with a court case that seems to take two seconds. The SVH field is SAVED!

The twins and Steve suspect their Cleaverized parents are splitting up because Mr. Wakefield is supposedly having an affair with Marianna West, a sexy "divorcee" who's working on the football field case with him. Of course, once Mr. Wakefield reveals that Marianna is actually the newest partner at the law firm, it's alright. Suddenly the fact that he touches her a lot and spends hours alone with her at her house is a-okay!

There's some totally boring shit about Enid Rollins and her new boyfriend Ronnie Edwards and what a controlling dbag he is.

That's a lot of subplots for one book!

WTF? The junior class seems to run the school at SVH. I don't think I read about a single senior in this whole book, except Patman, who seems to hang out with only juniors.

Todd is a douche for assuming the rumor about Liz is true without asking her and for acting like it's the worst thing he's ever heard. Listen to this dickish shit: "Todd, a sad, faraway look in his brown eyes, said, 'Maybe there's just so much a person can take. I mean, how long can you go on trusting someone, believing in someone?'"

Todd is also a total douchebag for deciding that he can grant "forgiveness" to Elizabeth for her unspeakable behavior. *eye roll* (Todd speaking) "'But I want you to know it's all right. You made a mistake - it's over. I'm willing to forget about it.'" (Again, he is NOT DATING LIZ YET)

Everyone is a douchebag for giving Liz hell for going out with Rick and supposedly acting like a strumpet when Bruce Patman bangs every chick alive and is still seen as an incredible dreamboat.

That rally on the football field was totally Bayside High! Where's the Tigers mascot and Zack Morris?

Seriously, what is up with this school? Liz is just an unbelievable pariah for running around with Rick Andover and going to a bar at 16! If she went to my school all the kids would be like, COOL! Me too!

Bruce Patman makes this hilarious quote: "'Hey, when it comes to having a disgrace in the family, Jessica Wakefield, just consider your dear sister, the pub crawler. And I do mean crawler!'"

Why does Jessica get off so easily for crying rape against Todd? That's horrible shit! Of course, I guess we had to have something to kick off the perpetual rape theme that runs throughout this series.

Liz is a wimpy doormat and totally pisses me off. If you couldn't tell.

Rick calls the twins "Heaven" and "Heavenly" WTF?

This book really cracks me up due to the Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller, The Christmas Ghost, which places a twelve-year-old Jessica in a A Christmas Carol-like story in the Scrooge role. Christmas Future shows Jessica she will be the most unpopular and disliked girl in school if she doesn't change her evil ways. One of the evil things she is shown is how her future self tried to steal Todd from Elizabeth. As you can see in this book, Jessica really learned a lot from that terrifying night! (Of course, the SVT series debuted after this book was written, but whatever)

Ads in the back of the book: Nothing too cool in this copy; just some order forms for more SVH books, including the very first Super Thriller, and an offer to send away for Bantam's shop-at-home catalog. I sent away for this when I was six or seven and perused it for hours. I never took them up on their "buy four books, get the fifth for 50 cents" offer though.

Next: Enid's mysterious past is about to be revealed! We'll find out why she was so much cooler before!

Snark Valley High!

2009-02-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

So ... I recently completed my collection of Sweet Valley High books .. those beloved soap opera novels of my youth. From 1983 to 2003, the original SVH series made us laugh, cry, shake our heads, and roll our eyes. At 27 years old, I am more than happy to revisit the shame of a well-placed stereotype, the ludicrousness of a Jessica Wakefield scheme, the irritation of another description of twin girls with perfect size six figures.

I'll be posting an entry for each SVH book as I read them, in order of publication ... This is really just a fun little project for myself as there are already several other blogs out there that do the exact same thing! (See: http://thedairiburger.wordpress.com/, http://community.livejournal.com/1bruce1/, http://web.mac.com/mcflaxbart/Sweet_Valley_Diaries/Blog/Blog.html -- all lots of fun :) I also plan to pick up the re-issues of the SVH novels and see what those are all about as well ...

It's especially fun for me because the last SVH book that I read was #92, She's Not What She Seems, with crazy old Paula Perrine! So, I'm afraid I've completely missed out on the whole Jungle Prom, Morning After, earthquakes, werewolves, Secret Diaries thang ... but that's about to change. To tell you the truth, I can't tell you if that's good or bad. We're about to find out!