#22 Too Much in Love

In an effort to make these posts somewhat easier to read, I'm condensing them a little. That's easy to do with this book because it's as boring as it looks. DeeDee has gotten some kind of complex about independent women because she thinks her dad left her mom for being too "her." Now she's scared shitless that Bill might ditch her, too, even though he actually loves her for her feisty, stand-alone nature. DeeDee ditches her art classes, hangs around Bill all day, refuses to make decisions without his consent, and is a general pain in the ass. When DeeDee hears that Bill went on a "friend date" with Dana Larson, who's apparently already attached to some older dude from out of town, she flips out. (And of course she hears this from Jessica, who still hates DeeDee for "stealing" Bill from her.) They break up, and I'll give you one guess who steps in to save the day! Elizabeth is in charge of a talent show (who else would do it?), and she fakes being sick so that DeeDee - who's reluctantly in charge of the designs - will have no choice but to step up and take control. Or, you know, she could've just broken down and ruined everything, but this is Sweet Valley. DeeDee saves the show, Bill is impressed, and they get back together. Clap clap clap. DeeDee also makes up with her best friend Patty Gilbert, who I believe is the lone black character in the entire series so far, and who I also don't think we've ever heard of before!

The sub-plot revolves around Alice and Ned going away for a week and leaving the twins by themselves; I guess they assume Elizabeth will stop Jessica from getting too wild. But Jess promptly breaks the washing machine and causes a grease fire in the kitchen. (I guess we've seen the end of the "Jessica is a gourmet chef" arc.) To top it off, Jessica decides to throw a wild party. Liz whines that she wants nothing to do with it but doesn't really do anything to halt it. You can already tell she's going to get off scot-free when things go wrong. (She apparently never learned anything from the one they threw in middle school ... "THE BIG PARTY WEEKEND" anyone?) Lila promises to get her college sophomore boyfriend Drake to bring some of his frat brothers, and Jess is SHOCKED when they show up with BEER! Well, I am SHOCKED that frat boys would even have any interest in attending some 16-year-old's party. While Jessica frets that they are out of soda (yes, she really does!), Lila flirts with some senior smart dude named Peter West, then makes out with Drake on the couch for half an hour while Peter scowls. A "skinny senior" named Louisa dances "wildly" with Drake's friend Ted and then pukes in the precious Wakefield toilet, which is now tainted forever. Winston puts on a magic show for all the nerds at the party and promptly breaks a crystal vase. Someone else spills beer all over Mrs. Wakefield's interior design plans. The police come and, get this, they don't even really give a crap. I would think in this town, they'd consider this a major offense. But all they demand is that someone who is 18 or older take responsibility -- and wouldn't you know, Steven shows up in the nick of time. Then the officers basically laugh it off and walk away. Uh, okay. The twins get DeeDee to retrace the ruined plans so that Mrs. Wakefield is never the wiser. But as for that vase? Rather than just making up a story about how it got knocked over or something, Jessica goes ahead and confesses the whole thing to her parents! I guess they would've heard about it from the neighbors eventually anyway. She catches only a tiny amount of shit for it, and Elizabeth gets absolutely none, even though she didn't exactly bar the door.

I get that this book is supposed to warn girls about losing their sense of self to a boy. But seeing as the message is coming from a series that repeatedly insinuates girls also aren't anything special unless they have a boy who loves them, I think that's laughable. So is the fact that the ghostwriter keeps rubbing it in that DeeDee isn't pretty and that's not why Bill loves her (in case we couldn't already tell from her weird eyes and pseudo-mullet on the cover. I wonder if Amanda Bearse modeled for it, not to slam her but it kind of looks like her). Bill even thinks to himself at one point that DeeDee isn't that pretty, but that's okay because he loves her spirit, or some shit. OKAY! WE GET IT! SHE'S NOT A WAKEFIELD!

This book also introduces us to a slew of brand new one-shot characters. I'm sure we won't hear from most of them ever again! This includes some dude that Enid has a date with named Paul. I guess they're trying to make sure that she doesn't come off as THAT big of a loser. And Patty and her college boyfriend Jim double-date with DeeDee and Bill, and I'm sure Jim must've dumped Patty after he saw what dumbass friends she has ... and realized he's dating a 16-year-old.

So, what's happening in the next book? Let me set it up for you. The talent show rolls around and is a huge hit, of course. Todd gets up on the stage after acting weird all week and reads a stupid goodbye poem and starts bawling. Yes, he's moving, and this was the way he decided to announce it to everyone (except Liz is too stupid to figure it out until he spells it out for her)! Will his love with Liz survive? God, let's hope not.

Super Edition #1: Perfect Summer

Oh God, do I have to read this? That was my first thought upon looking at this book. You see, I already read it once before, and it was rather craptastic. I've always loved a good Super Edition, but this one was really stupid. In the interest of keeping with my goal to read (or re-read) every single SVH book from beginning to end -- to make sure I don't miss any of the excruciating little details! -- I went for it. You know I can't miss a chance to over-analyze this one along with all the rest!

So, here's the gist of it. The Sweet Valley kids are going on a bike trip up the coast for the summer. I guess Liz and Jess put off those tour guide jobs they were so excited about several books ago. Anyway, we've got Lila, Todd, Olivia, Annie, Bruce, Roger, Principal "Chrome Dome" Cooper's nephew - Ohio kid Barry Cooper, and Bruce's friend Charlie Markus coming along for the ride. Enid and Cara are staying at home so Jessica and Liz can write gossipy letters to them. And, I'll give you one guess who's going to chaperone! That's right, Mr. Roger Collins, and his recent love interest Nora Dalton, who apparently broke up with him recently for an as-yet-unstated reason.

One of the key attributes of a typical Super Special is, along with the holiday season, vacation, and/or momentous event that christens it, we also must have some type of conflict for everyone in the book. So here's everyone's respective problem:

The main issue is, surprise surprise!, Elizabeth and Todd's. You see, early on the trip the class stops at Patman friend Steve Thomas's giant mansion to spend the night (in tents in the backyard -- wtf?), where they meet his over-the-top spoilt rich bitch daughter, Courtney Thomas. Courtney makes a big deal out of being snotty to everybody while openly defying her dad's wishes that she not date a motorcycle-driving baaaaad boy named Nolan Ruggers. Yet when her dad suggests she join the goody-goody SVH trip in order to get her away from Nolan and provide her with discipline, she is surprisingly agreeable to the idea. Elizabeth and Jessica are promptly suspicious, especially when Courtney sucks up to the whole group and spends most of her time either crying and sniffling all over Todd about her terribly rough life (more on this later), or randomly disappearing from the group. Liz is terribly upset and jealous while Todd, total douche that he is, acts like Liz is a complete bitch for not supporting poor wittle Courtney.

Jessica is crushing wildly on a dude named Robbie October (yes, that's really his name!), but every time she runs into him, Bruce calls her out on her shit and embarrasses her in front of him. Robbie is clearly like every other older jackass Jess pursues, but even after she hears that he got kicked out of a youth hostel for tossing beer cans out the window, she still wants to cocktease him a little.

Olivia doesn't really have any conflicts other than trying to support Roger as he and Bruce bicker at one another about whether or not Roger is a "real" Patman. Oh, Bruce, I thought snagging Regina had made you a kindler, gentler Patman!

Barry Cooper is apparently very fat and ridiculously clumsy. He lusts after Jessica and gets picked on by Bruce constantly.

Lila hates Ms. Dalton's guts because she's dating her father again. Roger Collins (as he's referred to pretty much every single time in this book) can't understand why Nora left him and is devastated, but he spends more time ruminating on Courtney and Liz. *eye roll*

Charlie and Annie keep trying to get together, but are stopped by Bruce's taunts about Annie's old slut days. Again, pot calling the kettle black, Bruce. (I have no idea what happened to Ricky Capaldo; Liz's first letter to Enid explains they broke up but are still good friends.) Annie thinks Charlie agrees with Bruce and spends some time sitting around crying about that. I'm not even going to waste time on this plotline, as eventually Charlie explains she just misheard him, and they reunite.

The Liz-Todd-Courtney triangle is unbelievably tiresome. First of all, I can't stand Todd, and this book just proves my point about what a douche he is. He can't seem to understand why his girlfriend is upset that he's spending all his time with Courtney, hugging her on all the rides at Disneyland, and snuggling up to her in her sleeping bag/holding her hand when she cries, very unconvincingly, that her father is a secret alcoholic and that's why he sent her on this trip. He rails against Liz for even daring to express doubts about precious Courtney, and eventually they break up (for at least the third or fourth time, already) when Liz says she can't take it anymore. Of course, we're already on to Courtney after we read a ridiculously stupid letter she writes to Nolan, explaining that she is charming Todd away from Liz so that she can bring Todd home, convince her father she's changed, and then ... go back to Nolan? This plan MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL (and I don't know why I expected it to).

Meanwhile, Jessica hates Courtney's guts, as well as Todd's for making her sister so miserable. She and Lila are initially a team against Courtney and Ms. Dalton (because they're apparently still in grade school), but eventually start fighting after Lila seems charmed by Courtney's fake-alky-dad story. Lila goes out of her way to make Ms. Dalton miserable, doing dumb shit like sticking lime Jell-O in the bottom of her sleeping bag. But she finds much a better tactic after she meets two dudes from Arizona, Pat and Don, at one of the youth hostels, who help her unravel that Ms. Dalton is REALLY Beth Curtis, a young divorcee who left her abusive, rich husband behind and was subsequently shunned by the community when he killed himself later. Now Mr. Fowler has apparently subtly blackmailed Ms. Dalton into dating him again by implying he knows the whole story and will give her away to Ms. Dalton's ex's crazyass family if she doesn't. Nice work, old George. Lila doesn't know that part, of course, so she promptly blackmails Ms. Dalton into doing Lila's share of the daily work. Roger Collins cajoles the truth out of his dear Nora, and all is right with the world again ... yawn. And I'm fairly certain we will never hear of the Beth Curtis shit ever again.

Jessica makes an idiot out of herself to get close to Robbie October, throwing herself at him and then claiming she thought he was someone she used to know named Bart Templeton. Robbie is clearly a huge sleaze, but Jess ... oh, you know how she is. Long story short, the pair sneak off together one night and wind up hopelessly lost and bickering with each other, then trapped in a cave by a giant she-bear. I am not making this up. The rest of the camp goes looking for them and Barry finally proves himself as he encourages the she-bear to chase after him instead. GOD this is dumb.

Courtney throws herself at Todd after he and Liz break up, they make out in the woods, and he somehow fails to notice the smell and taste of the cigarette that she just threw out when she saw him approaching. Later, a huge fire blows up and the kids have to work together to put it out. Liz thinks it's her fault, but it soon becomes clear that Courtney did it with her *GASP* cigarette! Liz exposes Courtney, Todd sees Courtney for who she is, he and Liz make up ... wah, wah. The day is saved.

WTF? First of all -- Robbie October? Is that a porn star name or what?

-The kids spend the night in TENTS IN THE BACKYARD at the Thomases' place. I am shocked Lila and Bruce did not demand more upscale quarters!

-I'm shocked that Jessica, Lila, and Bruce are on this trip at all, come to think of it.

-There's a scene where the kids dance in a canteen to Jackson 5 that is pretty much the most ridiculous thing I have read yet. Liz dances with "Roger Collins", of course. Gag me.

-At one point, Olivia pulls out her guitar. How the fuck can you bicycle comfortably with that thing strapped to your bike?

-The kids have lobster for one of their routine campground stops ... seriously, what the hell kind of bike trip is this?

-Steven and Jessica have a dumb argument on the family's way to drop off the twins for the trip. Jessica yells, "Steve, why don't you make like a seafood special and just clam up." WOW. That's the worst I've read yet!

-Bruce checks out chicks at the hostel and decides to try to pick one up at Jessica's suggestion. Uh ... did the ghostwriter forget all about Regina and how Bruce is supposed to be loyal to her? Hahahaha.

-Robbie has a brother named Danny. I was disappointed they didn't hook Danny up with Lila.

-Lila flirts wildly with a boy named Tom and goes on a "walk" with him. Get it girrrrl

-There was apparently a nerd in Cara and Jessica's math class named Theo who wore polyester pants ... the horror!

-Jessica complains that Robbie tried to "get romantic" with her while they were trapped in the cave overnight, and Lila points out that Jess was "aching for Robbie to get romantic" anyway! HAHAHA! I love when people call Jess out on her shit! It's such a rare occurrence.

-Mr. Collins has to save Ms. Dalton when she sees a stingray and freaks the fuck out rather than just... you know ... swimming away.

-Barry is so clumsy that it's kind of ridiculous. I'm reminded of the stupidity of Bella Swan in the Twilight books. Even after he redeems himself to the group, he promptly wrecks it by spilling hot and sour soup all over everyone at a Chinese restaurant. Of course, we know there's no real place for him in Sweet Valley-land anyway since he's fat, which Jessica and Bruce don't let us forget for a second. Only size sixes here, Barry!

-In case you care, Enid apparently had a summer romance with some dude named Hank.

The cover has the twins striking silly poses with their bikes. Liz looks like a two-year-old in that ugly yellow outfit. Jess's shorts are kind of cute but also look like they are going right up her crotch when she rides ... ouch.

The back of the book announces the Caitlin trilogy and encourages you to stay tuned.

#21 Runaway

Alright, so we're up to #21 now, and as you may have gathered from the previous book's sub-plot, Jessica isn't doing very well lately. Her family is treating her shittier and shittier, even when she's not her usual messy, bitchy, inconsiderate, flaky self. After last book's mussels fiasco, Jessica has tried and tried again to prove she really is a fabulous cook. She even cooks a delicious-sounding chicken dinner for the Wakefield clan here, but they make stupid jokes as they clean their plates. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is still the delightful good sister, and Ned Wakefield drools over her stupid, obvious opinion about the latest case he is working on (see the sub-plot) while acting like Jessica's is dumb and pointless. If Ned seriously hadn't already thought about what Liz had to say, he is the worst lawyer I've ever heard of.

Let's be real for a sec: Jessica is an inconsiderate bitch most of the time who flies into a ridiculous rage when a boy dares choose someone over her (which happens fairly often), but Elizabeth is a self-righteous, meddling little twat, and her family encourages this while bopping Jessica on the head for doing the same thing. I think a classic scene that illustrates this is in the very first chapter, where Jessica invites Steven (who's dropped out of school for the term) to come to Cara's stupid ass high school party with her so he can have some fun for a change. Steven, Ned, and Alice promptly jump all over her for being inconsiderate until Liz butts in to tell them it was actually her idea and that she had Jessica do the asking for her. Then, it's okay! Jess is correctly pissed about this. She gets really depressed about this (as well as the events of last book), but only Elizabeth notices. Liz actually tries to say something to their parents, but they couldn't care less. But then Jess meets Nicky Shepard who convinces her she is right to be depressed and moody. Nicky runs with a "rough crowd" and is the stereotypical sensitive bad boy. He's so nice that he keeps coming after Jessica even after she and Cara bitchily shun him at the Dairi Burger. This intrigues Jess, and she winds up kissing Nicky in Cara's bathhouse, and leaving with him. Steven comes out to the party, but he avoids Cara and attempts to cock block Nicky as he leaves with Jess.

Jessica grows more and more comfortable around Nicky, who catches her as she goes to see a movie by herself, and she even goes to a party with him in Tierra Verde (another made-up town, I'm sure), where she meets his "wrong crowd" friends. They really just sit around drinking, smoking pot, and gossiping, like typical high school kids, but I suppose Sweet Valley doesn't have any of those. (Of course, Cara had beer at a party in book 12, so frankly, the pot is really the only big difference here.) The party is thrown by Mike, who is the only one there with a common name. The rest are Sheila, who offers Jess beer about five times, June, a straight-edge high school dropout, and then Tad and Susan, who could possibly be getting together behind Sheila's back. Oooooh. Nicky and Jess leave the party early, which is a relief since we all know Jessica can't hold her liquor. Nicky is drunk and wrecks his nice Mustang, and his dad shows up and yells at him about what a loser he is. While his reaction's a little extreme, who wouldn't yell at their kid for driving drunk?

Soon Nicky confides that he's planning to move to San Francisco and start some kind of business with his friend Denny, and he wants Jessica to come with him. Jessica can't make up her mind right away, so Nicky leaves without her and waits for her to join him. Jessica decides to play a game with her family by packing her things and going, but leaving a note behind on her dresser explaining what's happening and apologizing. She figures if they really love her, they'll come after her when they see it. In a typical twist, Jessica slams her door and the breeze knocks the note behind her dresser. Liz figures it out anyway when she sees how uncharacteristically neat Jessica's room is. Of course, the family trusts Liz to lead them in the right direction, so they believe her and everyone flies into a panic looking for Jessica. Their search leads them to the Shepards' house, where Nicky's mom is coerced into telling Ned that yes, Nicky left home, and she doesn't know where and hey, doesn't really care. So Steven thinks to call his friend Joe Seegar who runs with Nicky's crowd ... Steve, what are you doing talking to dregs like that? Smooth Steven gets Joe to admit where Nicky went by claiming he owes Nicky 100 bucks. Hope that doesn't come back to bite you in the ass later, Steve! Steve and Liz rush to the bus stop to find Jess's bus pulling away, where she's crying to herself while a little old lady calls her "honey" repeatedly and buys her teen magazines from the bus stop. The saintly Wakefield siblings chase the bus to Carver City, where they rush onboard and tearfully reunite with their sister, pissing off the bus driver who is tired of everyone's bullshit!

While this book was far more well-written that the rest, the ending is UNBELIEVABLE because the family just laughs and makes joke sabout Jessica's cooking AGAIN after she offers to fix them a nice dinner on the even of her return home. This is AFTER she's cooked them a fantastic meal to make up for the stupid fucking mussels, and received a star certificate (or whatever) from her chef idol, Jean-Pierre. Isn't that part of the reason they got in this mess in the first place? And she just laughs along and encourages them to give her too much money to buy a pizza so she can use the extra to get a sweater. And Ned laughs and agrees that's best, thus enabling her typical shit behavior. Give me a fucking break!

The sub-plot: After Liz's oh-so-brilliant opinion on the case Ned's working on, he invites her to come watch and write an article about it for the school paper. That sounds really professional of him, to get his sixteen-year-old daughter to air her classmate's dirty laundry to the school! You see, the case is about Ricky Capaldo's mother not wanting Ricky's grandparents to see her son. When Ricky finds out about Liz's reporting, he begs her to drop the idea. Now, Liz could've just anonymized everyone in her article, but she is a self-righteous twat who thinks it's her business to air. She even sends Ricky on a guilt trip about not staning up for himself, causing him to launch into a grandiose speech in the courtroom that sways his mother's mind. And he thanks Liz for it and apologizes to her for ... WHAT WHAT WHAT? Liz is such a douche!

The cover is an appropriately dismal shade of gray. I really like Jessica's outfit, and it's nice to see her without makeup and a huge smirk on her face for a change! Not that I laugh in the face of her sadness ...

Random: Jessica is still fooling around with Neil Freemount when the book begins. At this point, Neil is just a side character with no personality, so I think it's funny this has been dragged out for so long!

People are drinking Tab in this book, which is interesting since previously we heard they were always drinking Coke. Jessica must have gained half a pound and freaked out! Or Tab just paid a little extra money to have their brand name mentioned several times within one chapter.

Cara says she is on a diet. I guess she did gain half a pound. Kill me.

Alice says, "I agree that Jess isn't herself these days, but I think it's a change for the better." OUCH.

Although Liz is supposed to be such great friends with Annie, she once again shows she doesn't really give a crap as she has to ask Ricky how Annie is doing these days.

Ned pulls a fucking "Think of the children" line and it makes me want to ruin my book, by projectile vomiting on it.

In the back of the book: My copy doesn't have any ads in the back of it at all. In fact, even the typical "next book" blurb isn't there. That's okay; it's just about DeeDee crying over Bill anyway, so you know it's going to be dull! But before that even came out, we have our very first Super Edition ever!

#20 Crash Landing!

I read this book as a kid. In fact, I think it was one of the first ones I read.

The cover pisses me off because A) Enid's hair is ugly B) Liz has a mustache and C) THAT SCENE NEVER HAPPENS. I dig Enid's shirt though. I'm being serious.

Well, let's get on with it. Supposedly super sexy Sweet Valley College student George is about to tell Enid he doesn't love her anymore and is banging yet another high school chick behind her back. Given that all the SVC students seem to love scoring with the SVH juniors, I guess that isn't really so strange. Anyway. Before George can tell Enid the bad news -- Robin's already broken up with Allen Walters -- he wrecks the plane in Secca Lake, a favorite Sweet Valley hangout. A lot of people see the crash and are properly horrified, even though it's just Enid and no one really likes her. Okay, that was mean of me. Enid falls and hurts her spine while trying to save George from the sinking plane and is paralyzed temporarily from the waist down. She has surgery to try to fix it, but by then she has figured out that George and Robin are in love when she sees them dancing at the latest big SVH dance, and so she deliberately doesn't get better so that George will feel obligated to take care of her. Yes, she has actually has some kind of psychological block that keeps her from walking, even though physically she should be able to. Liz talks to Enid's doctor and figures it out, and she hatches a crackpot plan to make Enid walk again, which involves having Mr. Collins's son Teddy pretend to drown in the Wakefield pool when only Enid is around to save him. Man, that is fucked up. Also, Mr. Collins just lends Liz his kid without even asking what is going on!

Meanwhile, the Pi Betas figure out that George has been cheating on Enid with Robyn, and whereas before Jessica fucking hated Enid, she now takes it upon herself to lead a snub campaign against Robin. I'm guessing this is really an excuse for payback for the events of Book 4. Robin reacts by eating like crazy and gains at least 15 pounds back which of course automatically makes her a big fatty *eye roll*

In the end, Enid forgives George and Robin and gives them her blessing to get back together, this time in the open. She is so apologetic for her behavior towards the pair of them, even though they were having an affair behind her back. What the fuck ever. Even worse, Liz is hailed as the ultimate hero for "saving" Enid and it makes me want to vomit all over the pages.

The subplot: Jessica and Lila take a cooking class together that they apparently signed up for before the Jack fiasco. Lila still isn't talking to Jess, but they slowly patch it up. Jessica falls for Jean-Pierre, their hot cooking instructor, and Lila eventually softens toward Jess (because she's "too good a friend" ...who tried to steal your fiance) while still thinking she is crazy for trying to ask Jean-Pierre to that week's high school dance. Anyway, it turns out he is married to a redheaded lady named Lizbette (what?) anyway. I secretly think Lila deliberately let Jess get her just desserts with this one. Jess winds up going to the dance with Lila's ex Ken Matthews anyway, so I guess she didn't make out too badly!

Now, Jessica is a great cook who makes shit like exotic mustard in class. She decides to one-up Liz for their parents' anniversary that year by making them an amazing dinner. Since Liz hasn't even mentioned this anniversary, she assumes her sister forgot it this year and that this is her big opportunity to finally look like the caring, reliable, generous daughter. To prep for the big night, Jessica cooks the family a fabulous dinner of mussels. Everyone is already totally suspicious of the meal before she even serves it, and frankly acts like an ass that she is cooking for them. Unfortunately for Jess, she bought bad mussels. Apparently if the mussel shells don't open when you steam them, they're bad and you're supposed to throw them out, but Jess doesn't realize and so she just splits them open herself. The entire family gets ridiculously ill, and to top it off, Jess doesn't get to redeem herself at the Wakefield anniversary because Liz DID remember and has already purchased the parents dinner theater tickets and man, is Jess pissed. Frankly, I would be also! WTF is Liz doing buying a present like that without even asking her sister if she wants to chip in? Also, what kind of allowance do these kids get?

(Am I a bad person because I have never done anything for my parents' anniversary other than said, "Happy Anniversary"?)

WTF? Liz blushes when she finds Ms. Dalton at Mr. Collins's house. I guess the implication that someone in this town is having sex is too much for her.

In the back of the book is the same Caitlin preview that was in the last!

Next up, we'll see Jessica teach the Wakefields to fuck with her!

#19 Showdown

This is the most disappointing book I have read yet. I wasn't really expecting much from the others, but I couldn't wait to get into a good old catfight. Nope! Not only is the cover a sickening shade of Pepto-Bismol vomit (which unfortunately doesn't show up well here), but it's totally misleading. Jessica and Lila never actually confront each other and ... oh, let's just get into it already.

Jessica hoes herself out to Lila's new love interest, construction worker Jack, right in front of Lila at Lila's thousandth party this year, and Lila just gets annoyed. Come on, bitch-slap a ho! Jack agrees to go out with Jessica when Lila isn't listening. He makes out wildly with J on their romantic beach date, and names a fucking star after her. Jessica is amazed that he isn't trying to get in her panties, as am I. Come on, she practically offered him her vag at Lila's party!

Jack promises to break up with Lila that weekend but instead spends the whole weekend with her. Jessica pouts and Jack says he just had a hard time because she was so upset or something. Jessica buys it because she is a complete moron and they make out some more and probably do a little finger banging. Gross, I'm grossing myself out. Okay, so then ...

Lila gets more serious with Jack and he winds up asking her to marry him. The scene is ridiculous as Lila gets all giddy about her new fiance and then barely appears to shed a tear when Liz finally informs her what is really going down. WTF? Of course, maybe she did cry, and we were just robbed of that scene.

Jack turns out to be a knife-wielding drug user (pills and pot! oh my!) who likes to rob girls at knifepoint. We first become aware of this when Nicholas's old richie school friend, David Matson, visits and thinks he knows Jack. Then he remembers and tells them the story. They rush to save Jessica and there she is with Jack's knife to her throat.

Now, what's the aftermath of all this? Well, the Wakefields just laugh off Jessica's nearly getting killed. Her parents don't appear to be even remotely upset at how close they came to having only one twin, nor do they even get mad at the fact that their jailbait is hanging out at some 19 year old's place. Maybe my parents are the only ones who weren't chill about that shit, who knows.

Here are some other things I said WTF about: Jack steals Mr. Fowler's cufflinks collection, never has any money while he's with Jess, and has red eyes all the time, yet no one guesses he's not what he says he is. Oh yeah, not to mention he's a CONSTRUCTION WORKER who wears nice clothes. Well, he did make up a story about leaving his wealthy family to strike it out on his own, which is why Lila finds him acceptable. It turns out his little sister died and he went crazy afterwards, or something like that. I'm too lazy right now to go dig out the book and find out.

There is a tickle fight between the twins which grosses me out.

The subplot is ridiculous. Penny Ayala's little sister Tina takes mysterious "photos" anonymously for the Oracle and leaves it at the office while Penny is sick. Liz finds out it's Tina and she explains Penny would just make fun of her. Of course, one of the photos is of George Warren making out with Robin Wilson which segues into our next book. Tina confesses to Penny, Penny of course is delighted and Liz angrily confronts the CHEATERS all CHEATERS TV show style ... yeah no but that would be hilarious! George promises to tell Enid when he takes her up for her first (and last) flight with him. Liz agrees to keep quiet until then, but is tormented. And so you also have the lead-in to the next book ... can you guess what might make this break-up a thousand times worse?

The back of the book has the same shit as the last one, with the Caitlin preview and all.

#18 Head Over Heels

Oh, lord! This one was one of the least exciting of all. Let's hurry and get it over with. So, Bruce and Regina got together in the last book, and are now a full-fledged couple. She is only a sophomore, so of course everyone is afraid Bruce will break her heart, just like everyone else's. Or maybe she's a junior -- I'm fairly certain a future book, or perhaps this one, readjusts what class she is in.

Lila and Jessica, who both dated Bruce in the past, are sure Bruce can't be for real about Regina. Jessica is still traumatized by her brief relationship with Bruce, but I don't think we are going to hear another mention of Lila dating him for quite some time. The two little witches make a bet on when B will dump R, and the loser has to write the winner's term paper. Lila thinks their love is for real; Jess is sure it can't be since Bruce never truly loved HER, after all, and clearly she is the most irresistable chick in school.

Now, in the meantime Regina learns about a new treatment that could restore her hearing. Her family is all about it because her mother feels guilty for destroying her daughter's hearing with diet pills when Regina was still a little fetus. Yes, she took diet pills while pregnant in order to look better as a model ... yikes. But regardless of how much Regina's family pleads, Regina refuses to get this treatment because it would mean she'd have to go to Switzerland for a year and be away from Bruce the whole time. Regina doesn't tell Bruce about the treatment, and meanwhile, Bruce doesn't tell Regina that he's running for Centennial Committee president against Ken Matthews. Do you smell a convenient set-up for a Wakefield scheme?

Let's make a long story short. Jessica wins her bet with Li by successfully breaking the happy couple up herself. She tells Regina about Bruce's run, and that he's deliberately not telling her because he's just using her to make him look good so he can win. (Why wouldn't he tell her anyway? How would she think he was using her if he told her he was going to run? That's really stupid.) Regina cries, throws a bracelet Bruce gave her at him, and confuses the shit out of him because, like most people in this book, she won't tell him the real reason for her anger. She rushes home and makes plans to leave for Switzerland immediately. Jessica crows over her victory, and Lila is stuck writing her paper, which she deliberately fucks up. Jessica gets a low grade while Lila gets a B-something. Hilarious!

Of course, it doesn't stop here. Liz, who's in charge (of course!) of some dumb upcoming school festival, steps in to save the day. She tells Bruce about the treatment and explains what happened to him. Bruce writes his "darling" Regina a letter explaining that he hid his plans from her to surprise her when he won. He further states that she must get the treatments and he will wait for her. I have my doubts about that one, but anyway. Liz goes to see Regina and hides the letter in her carry-on so she won't see it until it's too late to change her mind about Switzerland. And ... all is well. That's the beauty of true love.

There isn't much of a subplot. There's a bit about the Patmans and the Fowlers battling to see who can donate the most, but at the end only 800 dollars is raised ... that's it? El cheapos! And of course we have the storyline leading up to the next book in which Lila meets a hot, mysteriously well-dressed construction worker named Jack, whom she is afraid to introduce to anybody because he's all blue collar, you see.

Now for my WTFs: For starters, I don't like the way they treat deaf people in this book, like they are something to be pitied, but at least it's a learning experience for the kids, I guess. Also, many of the deaf people I have met did not view being deaf as a "handicap." They saw it as just an attribute of theirs and enjoyed the bond they shared with other deaf people. They did not in any way feel something was "wrong" with them. I would like to get a deaf person's opinion of this book.
-Regina has never kissed a boy before Bruce.
-Ken Matthews is extremely pissed and bitter about Bruce running against him.
-Bruce actually wins despite his previous dick status!
-Liz saves the day... I don't get this. Bruce is an ass who is at least an attempted rapist. Yet here's Liz forgiving him after he traumatized her, and seeing him as sensitive.
-A random side character named Donald Essex appears to convince Regina to give the treatment a try. Jessica flirts with him and then there's some stupid mix-up where Donald then sees Liz and thinks she's Jessica and Todd gets all jealous. I'm pretty sure we never hear from him again. Maybe Todd had something to do with this? Hahaha.
-Lila says her father thinks gambling and betting money is "vulgar".
-Regina's mom's name is Skye; reminds me of model Ione Skye.
-Bruce and Regina's makeout sessions are sickening.
-Bruce's mom is an ass to Regina and yells at her even though Bruce has already told her she can lipread ... what a bitch!
-Liz and Todd snark at each other and it's the same old boring shit from before ... yawwwwwn.

The cover is interesting. Bruce actually looks slightly younger than his SVH#3 cover (about 28 or 30 this time), and definitely less rapey. Regina is cute and I actually dig her dress. Is that the same purple dress that Lila was ragging on in an earlier book?

The back of the book has a letter from Francine about her new trilogy, Caitlin, and an excerpt of the first book. Caitlin is a rich, popular snob who is determined to win the heart of Jed Michaels and ... snnnooork, oops, I fell asleep on it!

Next up: Thank god, something more interesting. Lila and Jessica fight over Jack.

#17 Love Letters

Yes, I know I've been MIA for a while, but I've still been reading all the SVHs. I'm currently on Super Edition #2, so I have a lot of catch-up entries to post. Thankfully, I had already written most of them; I was just too lazy to edit, scan in the books for the pictures, and post. But let's get on with it! Here's book 17, which sounded pretty dumb to me, and it kind of is. It's all about Caroline, the redheaded, annoying gossipymouth who's always hanging around stirring up trouble. Caroline lives to prove to her beautiful older college sister, Anita, that she's really special. Anita apparently doesn't pay enough attention to her, so Caroline starts composing fake love letters from her "boyfriend," Adam, who lives two hours away in Cold Springs. She also shares them with all the girls at school, hoping that they will like her more, but they only seem more pissed off at her. You see, Caroline is a member of that snotty Pi Beta Alpha sorority, but I have no clue how she got in, since everyone despises her. I guess she's that "friend that nobody likes" that Dane Cook did a comedy skit on. Even Winston Egbert (whose old girl Mandy Farmer moved away, by the way) doesn't like her. It's mentioned that Caroline had a secret crush on him once.

Man Caroline, you really suck.

The real reason people don't like Caroline is because she's always running her mouth about people. The same is true of just about everyone else in the school, of course, but Caroline is apparently really bad. She causes a huge showdown between Annie and Ricky when she spreads rumors about Ricky "talking to" Maria Santelli. I don't get it -- he isn't allowed to talk to someone else? Urrrrr. She also makes sure everyone knows that John Pfeifer might be kicked off the Oracle because he pissed off Penny Ayala.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth works on a play about Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Roger Browning for the Junior Playwriting contest. And -- what a coincidence! -- we follow Caroline as she checks books about Roger Browning out from the library, and copies parts of love letters as "Adam's" letters. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Caroline causes more trouble with her gossipyass mouth when she starts a rumor that Bill Chase is getting unauthorized help from Mr. Jaworski for his play entry. Biiiitch, please! Bill has to drop out of the competition, and Liz wins instead. What a shock!

The end result is that the Evil Triad (J, C, and L) figure it out and demand that Caroline bring Adam to Sweet Valley. In fact, Lila even throws a party in his honor. Caroline is miserable, and winds up confessing the whole thing to Anita, who promptly has a heart-to-heart talk with her about her shitty behavior. Caroline sees the light and decides to take the heat for showing up without Adam, but then Liz and Todd bring Todd's friend Jerry Fisher down from Sweet Valley College and ask him to pretend to be Adam! Liz, what the hell? You didn't want to help Olivia in the last book, but now you're all about exonerating somebody else? Even worse, Caroline asks Liz not to read her play for the contest because then everyone will know the truth. Liz goes ahead and reads it, but she seriously considers not doing it! WTF Liz? Anyway, Jerry Fisher posing as "Adam" is handsome and suave. Everyone is totally wowed, but then Caroline actually goes and gets on the mic and tells everybody that Jerry isn't really Adam, and that there IS no Adam! That takes some balls, but I still don't understand why she wouldn't just let it slide. I mean, these kids are dicks anyway! Why not just let them be fooled?

Caroline and Jerry get together and she gets her first real boyfriend ... yawwwwwn.

The sub-plot: Mrs. Wakefield gets a great offer for a promotion at work, that would require her to move to San Francisco. While she's mulling it over, but keeping it a secret from the kids, nosy Caroline GOES THROUGH THE WAKEFIELD TRASH and finds a copy of a letter from Mrs. Wakefield telling the firm she'll "think it over." How did she find that copy so easily? Don't they keep their trash tied in bags? Anyway, the twins are devastated, and after confronting their parents and acting like spoiled brats, they start launching a campaign to remind them what's so great about Sweet Valley. What IS so great? Everyone seems like an ass. Anyway, they have shitloads of brochures sent to them from the Chamber of Commerce. Jessica pretends to break down in the Fiat right at a scenic view so that Mr. Wakefield will have to come up there after her. The twins ask their parents to take them to Tiberino's, the Italian restaurant where Mr. Ned Wakefield proposed to Mrs. Alice Wakefield . And ... drumroll ... it works. Of course it worked, what kind of series would this be without those twins?

WTF? Caroline tells Anita that Cara was at the Patmans' country club dance for Roger with "a real nerd." Oh, Cara! Come to think of it, who the hell likes Cara?

-Caroline lives on the same street as the Wakefields (Calico Drive), and she spends a lot of time hanging around their house and longing to be as fabulous as the Wakefield twins. Give me a break!

-When Liz wins the play competition, the applause is "deafening." That's weird to me. Who cares that much about a play competition in high school?

-Caroline is seriously the most unlikable character, ever. I think we knew a lot of girls like that in high school, who were very unlikeable and blamed it on their looks or whatever, but were actually just plain annoying/gossipy/bossy/demanding/snotty, and nobody could muster up the courage to tell them the truth. Hell, I know girls like that now!

What about the cover? It's a gross peach shade. It reminds me of these shorts I used to wear in the fifth grade with a matching top. Caroline doesn't look as fugly as everyone says she is, but her clothes are hideous ... as are Liz's who looks like she's about to stuff that letter right down Caroline's throat.

In the back: The same old book order forms for the same old series.

Up next: Bruce the womanizer utters sweet nothings, acts a fool

#16 Rags to Riches

Roger's mom is dead, it turns out he's really the "illegitimate" son of Bruce Patman's uncle, and suddenly Roger PATMAN is super rich and living in the Patman mansion! I'll give you one guess who's all over that. Jessica "Supabitch" Wakefield heads right over to the Patman's party honoring Roger, now that he's a "true" Patman and all. (I guess so long as his mom was alive, he wasn't really a part of their family. What the fuck?) Jessica is ridiculous sucking up to Mrs. Patman. The Patmans, by the way, talk like total snotty idiots. They make Roger feel stupid because he likes to run, wants to be a doctor, and doesn't know which fork is which at the dinner table. Oh, and because he spills wine all over Mrs. Patman's dinner guest. Way to go, Rog! Meanwhile, Jessica is busy trying to make Olivia Davison, Roger's girl, feel equally stupid so she'll figure out that she isn't right for the new Roger. How does she do this? Well, she:

• -Pretends to be Olivia's brand new best best friend so Olivia will listen to everything she says about "impressing" the Patmans
  -Encourages Olivia to wear her typical artsy/indie clothes to a Patman gathering, and her old run-down sweats to a tennis game
  -Starts dressing all preppy again, I guess like she did when she was with Bruce
  -Encourages Olivia to play tennis to begin with, so that Jess can show off her skills while Olivia looks clumsy and stupid
  -Gets Olivia to get a full plate of food at the Patman barbecue, plus a second plate with dessert, or something, so that everyone will think she is a huge pig. (Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?)
  -Somehow gets Olivia involved in a diving contest at the Patman's pool, in which she of course belly-flops while Jess does a beautiful swan dive

Ultimately, Olivia freaks out and dumps Roger, who consoles himself by deciding to take Jessica to some dance at the Patman house (after she makes up a story about Olivia planning to humiliate Roger at the party by standing him up -- and Roger is stupid enough, and apparently doesn't know his girlfriend well enough, that he believes Jessica). Then, he changes his mind with the help of Liz, who was kind enough to shed some light on the situation, and lets Olivia know he still loves her in front of everyone ... awwwww.

The sub-plot: Regina Morrow is seen around town a lot with an older man, and everyone is just scandalized, until it's revealed he's really her modeling agent, and she's going to be on the next cover of Ingenue magazine with a special story about overcoming being deaf. Lila tries to scam the cover from her, but the agent, Lane Townsend, tells Lila her face would "look flat" in modeling pictures. Hilarious! Also, the sub-plot reveals that Regina is deaf because her mother took too many sleeping pills when she was pregnant with her.

WTF? I was surprised that this book had a lot of these. For starters:
*What kind of HS cafeteria serves Hungarian goulash? Apparently, SVHS!
*Bruce wears a little Speedo at the swimming pool, and Todd and George make jokes about how tiny it is, calling it a "Band-Aid" while staring at his crotch. Ummmm ... gay much?
*Liz is a stupid dumbass bitch and thinks that Jessica actually genuinely likes Olivia. Come on Liz, really?
*Jessica is still with Neil or whatever, although not seriously, but she pretty much ignores him in her quest to get Roger to date her. However, thankfully Neil's still there as a safety date to the Patmans' big party once Roger comes to his senses and drops her as his date. Is Neil a loser or what?
*The bottom line is that everyone in this book is an idiot.
*Oh, yeah, I'm confused about something, but I guess I need to go back to book 3 and check ... didn't Jessica hang out with the Patmans before, when she was dating Bruce? So how does Mrs. Patman not have a clue who she is? She must be a total lush.
*When Lila's talking about Regina running around with Lane, she implies that they must be doing it because "everyone knows what older men are like." Seriously? Is no one else having sex in this town except Bruce?

The cover: Roger is wearing a double-popped collar. You gotta be kidding me. I seriously cannot believe what I am looking at. I must not know enough about 80s style. Jessica is wearing the same tank top she had on the last cover, but in pink this time, and she's clearly not wearing a bra. Roger looks like this kid I went to high school with!

In the back of the book: Nothing really.

What's next: Shirtwaist-wearing Caroline (see a previous entry for a picture of a shirtwaist!) apparently has some kind of super romantic boyfriend ... or does she?

#15 Promises

The plot: Hey, Betsy! You's a ho! HO! You's a ho! I said that you's a ho! Okay, so that's the jist of this whole story. Good night.

....Oh, alright. So, Betsy Martin is Tricia's older sister. She graduated from high school already, and she lives at home with angelic Tricia and their drunk father, who can't get over their mother's death from cancer, years ago. So now Tricia is dying of cancern as well, but Betsy is too busy drinking and carousing to be at the hospital with her. Yet, after she hears that Tricia is dead, she busts into the hospital crying and screaming, with her shirt pretty much hanging open and alcohol on her breath, wailing that she wasn't with Tricia when she died and what a horrible sister she is. Of course, we see all this through the eyes of Jessica the Bitch Twin. Jessica despises Betsy, seems secretly relieved the Wakefields are no longer associated with the Martins, and is more concerned that she can't figure out what to wear to Tricia's funeral than she is that her brother is in deep mourning. Well, joke's on you, bi-otch! Turns out Steven made a promise to Tricia when she died that he would take care of Betsy, and Betsy just moves right in with the Wakefields!

Jessica is just horrified at having the town tramp in the house! It's true that Betsy is a prickly pear, because she thinks everyone is assuming she wants to do them and snort all their cocaine. But Jess is really horrified when Betsy starts hanging around Steven every waking minute, and appears to be crushing on him hardcore. At Lila's suggestion, Jessica snoops through Betsy's luggage, thinking she'll find some drugs there that can be used to get Betsy kicked out of the house, but there's nothing. Why the hell didn't she just go get some pills or something from her old friend Rick Andover, and plant them in Betsy's things? Jessica isn't about to give up, but thankfully for Betsy, she has good old Elizabeth meddling in her business, and of course, there's a hidden talent (art) and a potential love interest, college student and local art teacher, Jason Stone. Betsy decides to start taking Jason's class, but flips out when he asks her out on a date, and then again when she thinks he's just fucking with her about trying to get into the Los Angeles Academy of Fine Arts. Her smartassed reactions are actually really hilarious. She gets so mad at Jason she starts mimicking him to his face, and openly states that he just wants "a night alone with me." And at the breakfast table! HAHAHA! Anyway, Saint Liz, Jason, and Steven concoct a plan to secretly get Betsy into the art school, but then Jessica spoils it by telling Betsy about Steven's promise to Tricia. Assuming that Steven doesn't really give a crap about her but just feels bound to Betsy (which, honestly, he probably does), Betsy takes off to the Shady Lady bar for some good old fashioned drinkin' and fuckin' two guys at once! Needless to say, the boys show up, a fight ensues, Jason wows everyone with his karate skills (yes, really), and Betsy realizes they really do care. Jessica cracks me the fuck up by thinking, Spare me the corny make-up scene when Betsy apologizes to Steven.

The sub-plot: Winston Egbert attemps to break a world pizza-eating record at Guido's Pizza. And, he fails to break the record. That's all.

WTF? Jessica starts dating Neil Freemount in this book. I guess he's just some random character inserted to keep her occupied until she goes after someone more notable.

*Betsy laughs when Liz suggests they have a brownie and milk together, and calls milk "The good girl's drink" HAHAHA! No 40's in this household, Betsy!

*The Triad of Evil (Jessica, Cara, Lila) try to find out why Bruce Patman's family is paying for Roger Barrett's mother's operation. (This is the lead-in to the next book) They elect Cara to go ask him, and she wails, "Why me? Bruce Patman has never even stopped to give me the time of day!" Yes, he has -- she went on at length in Book 5 about how she dated him for a while and he was an ass to her! Lila went out with him, too, but Jessica is the only one who refuses to ask because of her "history" with Bruce. Jess is self-centered enough that it makes sense she thinks she's the only one who was hurt enough by him. She's probably just the only one who actually banged him.

*Tim Houseman gets together with Dana Larson. Okay, who really cares about Dana Larson? And who the fuck is Tim Houseman? There's already a Tim Bradley in the series.

*Jessica says that Betsy was at Miller's Point with "Charlie Cashman and Jim Sturbridge ... Both of them. At the same time." So Betsy had a threesome? Go girrrrrrl! Jessica is totally just jealous!

*Betsy says she's going to smoke some "dynamite" pot and she gives Crunch and Charlie "wet" kisses in front of Steven and Jason. WTF!

*There's another dumb dancing scene at the Beach Disco. I can't remember when they stop talking about the Beach Disco in the SVH series, but I kind of hope it's soon.

The cover: Yes, that's really Betsy. Totally awesome facial expression! "Duuuuur?" Her shirt is Miss Goody Goody though. Why isn't Liz wearing it? Hell, Jessica's little tank top is skimpier! The artist should've opened several buttons and shown major cleave. Maybe he did originally, and they made him change it!

What's next? Roger's mother dies of heart problems, and ... dun dun dun ... it turns out he's not who you think he is!

#14 Deceptions

Well, folks, we're on book 14, and this is easily the dumbest one yet. I hadn't had the pleasure of reading this one before, and I see I didn't miss much. The writing is crap and the story is borrrrring, so let's get this over with, already, so I can go read about town tramp Betsy Martin instead.

What's going on? Nicholas Morrow is handsome, rich, and 18 years old, and with once glance at Elizabeth's "ravishing" smile (gag me), he's in love with her. He's also a bit of a freakin' creeper. He spends the rest of her welcome home party following her around, coercing her into dancing with him and pretty much breathing down her neck while she nervously giggles and tries to shoo him away. As with most creepers, he doesn't take the hint and professes his undying love to Liz by the end of the night. Liz tells him about Todd, and he keeps whining and bugging her for a date anyway. He finally wins the prize by sending Liz on a guilt trip by telling her she's not being fair and making her think she is somehow a bad person if she doesn't go out with this tool when she already has a boyfriend. Her eyes actually fill with tears of misery. Yes, she's that naive.

And uh ... yeah, the days before the date drag on and on as we get to read page after page of Liz feeling guilty and trying to figure out how to tell Todd, which, of course, she doesn't. I don't know why not; he'd probably punch Nicholas's lights out and save the day! Meanwhile, Jessica is convinced she's hopelessly in love with Nicholas herself and concocts an elaborate scheme (see the sub-plot) to get him, not realizing it's Liz's ass he wants. Man, for someone who's supposed to "always get her man" Jessica sure has to struggle to make dudes notice her a lot.

Let's just end this crapola story here and now. Liz goes on the dumb date without telling Todd, probably because he already hates Nicholas, with good reason. The dude drooled all over his girl right in front of him at a party, after all. Plus, Todd is such a controlling douchebag that he'd probably hate his guts without a good reason anyway. I mean, he and Liz go to the movies, and Todd tells them what movie they're going to see, even though Liz doesn't really like it, and then tells her what movie they're going to see next time also. He doesn't even try to compromise or see what she wants to watch. And she just accepts this, doesn't voice any opinions or anything. Reading this scene now, I'm disgusted because I'm reminded of too many asses I dated in the past -- and dumped right quick. I hate boys who try to tell me what to do! AAAAH!

Uh, anyway. Liz is no prize either, because she's still going on this stupidass date behind her boyfriend's back, with a boy she doesn't even like, just to avoid hurting his feelings by, you know, saying "NO, I DON'T CHEAT ON MY MAN. GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU AREN'T AS GREAT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE." And if she says, "Oh, Todd!" one more time in one more book, I might vomit on the pages. She says it three times between pages 84 and 85 of this book while she's fawning over how great he is. Lord have mercy, wake up, girl.

Liz goes on the date to an fancyass restaurant called Cote d'or in Malvina (some other town), thinking Todd will be celebrating his mom's birthday in Sweet Valley, but ... surrrrrrrprise! He shows up at the restaurant and catches them holding hands and having coffee, right after the pair agree to be "just friends" because Liz doesn't love old Saint Nick. (Did you guys drink coffee at 16? I didn't.) To get out of the situation, Liz pretends to be her twin. Man, that's convenient, although since she sees Todd long before he sees her, she could just duck under the table or something. Todd buys it, but feels weird and decides to go to the Wakefield house to apologize to Liz for doubting her before Jess gets home to tell her ... You guessed it, he meets Jessica instead, plants a big old kiss on her (while she's wearing a bathrobe), and the story comes out. Man, this part is juicy!

Okay, in truth, I feel kind of bad ragging on Liz like that. I know what it's like to be expected to be the "nice chick" who never hurts anybody's feelings, and to feel like you have to put up with dudes' assholish behavior. But I got over that mess real fast. I was disappointed Liz didn't call Nicholas and tell him to fuck off and stop bothering her. Or hey, that she didn't really do anything scandalous with Nicholas. I mean, if you're going to do something behind Todd's back, at least make it good.

So, how do they make up (because you know they will)? Well, Elizabeth and Todd both mope around crying all day, and fucking Todd messes up the basketball game and almost makes Sweet Valley lose ... NO WAY! Come on Todd, you can't do that! But then Nicholas goes and has a little pep talk with Todd and lets him know that Liz only went out with him because he basically bullied her into it. You see, Todd, there's no need to worry! She only did it because she's a stupid pushover like she's always been! After this heartwarming talk, Todd bounds back onto the court and totally wows the crowd with his hot b-ball moves! YES! SWEET VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL RULES!

And, yes, there's a totally barf-inducing make-up scene. Liz walks home by herself so she can throw a solitary pity party, and Todd runs after her and they smooch under the stars and bleaaaaaaaauggggggggggh there goes my breakfast!

This book really made me hate these two. Total tools. Every guy in this series is a total ass, I swear.

The sub-plot: Jessica freaks out over a bad grade, until she realizes she can get Randy Mason to fix it for her. She convinces him to hack into the school's computer network and change the grade, but he gets caught. Elizabeth finds out, of course, and forces Jessica to go over to the principal's office and confess. Liz, you big narc! No one really gets in trouble, though, because Liz is such a known goody-goody that she then does a 180 and promises the principal that Jessica really isn't THAT bad. LAME. I really hope there's a book somewhere where Liz just busts out and goes crazy and turns into a Betsy Martin type. Maybe she should hit her head again.

WTF? I think this entry really says it all, but seriously: Why is every guy at Sweet Valley a cockface? Todd is the biggest douche on the history of the Earth. You should've heard him bagging on Betsy Martin when she came into the Dairi Burger drunk; he is just DISGUSTED at the horrible spectacle. I guess underage drinking is practically unheard of by the other kids at school. He calls her "trash" and continues to pass judgment on her and other people while Liz swoons over him, going, "Oh, Todd!" Grow some ovaries, Liz. This dude sucks.

Also, the ghostwriter really goes all out to show you how rich and over-the-top Nicholas Morrow is. He has birds fluttering in a gold cage, or some such nonsense, and his mannerisms are ridiculous.

The cover: Liz has the stupidest look on her face, like she's being naughty, when her real attitude throughout the whole book is, "Oh, waaaaaaah, woe is me!" Nicholas has sandy blondish-brown hair, but the book describes it as black. FAIL.

In the back of the book: An ad for a special book in the Sweet Dreams teen romance series ... what's so special about it? The girl in the story is going to be an extra in a Michael Jackson video and finds love on the set! Does this mean there's a paragraph or two where she interacts with Michael? It reminds me of that time I saw there was going to be a Baby-sitters Club book called Stacey and the New Kids on the Block or something. I was so excited because NKOTB was my favorite group as a kid, but then it turned out it was really about ... some new kids ... on her block.

Here's a picture of Star Struck (has anyone read this?):

What's up next? Tricia Martin finally passes away from cancer ... oops, did I spoil something? Not to worry, she leaves her terrible ho-bag druggie sister behind!

#13 Kidnapped!

I am fairly certain this is the very first SVH book I ever read! And I blame it for my subsequent obsession with being tied up ... uh, anyway ...

What's going on: Well, we have, once again, a book focused on Elizabeth in peril! And it's far more ridiculous than I remembered. Our favorite little goody-goody was gagged with chloroform and dragged away by Carl, the disturbed orderly, outside Fowler Memorial Hospital at the end of our last book. She was supposed to go tutor punker Max Dellon, who's flunking English, before heading off to rich new boy Nicholas Morrow's party, which it sounds like Max wasn't invited to. Burrrrn! Jessica, who apparently ditched Aaron Dallas after one date in the last book, is too busy flirting with Nicholas (and being fascinated by his gorgeous, deaf sister, Regina), who adores her right off the bat, to be concerned that Liz is late for the party. Or, at least, that's what this book would have you believe, but it also has Jessica wondering where Liz is at 7:30 ... when she's not supposed to be there until 8. Oooookay. Max is worrying, however, so he takes off on his own to find Liz. Todd is worrying, too, so he gets Jessica's attention by shoving her into the Morrows' indoor pool. Nice work, Todd.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth wakes up gagged and bound to a chair in a windowless little shack with Carl. He buys her some food, a blue cardigan, and some random books, and he lets her go to the bathroom once. He spends most of his time with her creepily stroking her hair, telling her he loves her and sharing his plan to move them way up in the mountains where no one can find them. Yes, that Carl is damned creepy. Liz engineers what she thinks is a clever plan to escape the shack by convincing him to untie her, then making a mad break for the door while screaming and yelling. Carl recaptures her before she makes it outside and she immediately loses all resolve. I'm serious. She immediately decides she's just doomed to stay here forever, even though Carl takes off for 8 hours two days in a row to go to work. She doesn't make any sort of plan to hop for the door, chew through her ropes, anything! She needs to take a clue from Erica Pratt! (Google that name.) Instead she tries to "keep going" by thinking about how much she loves her sister and her boyfriend. She figures poor Jessica never even made it to the Morrows' party because she was supposed to wait for Liz to come by the house so they could ride over together. Uh ... Liz, how well do you really know your twin?

While Liz just sits and mopes in her chair, everyone else in Sweet Valley is freaking out. Liz is gone for a total of two days, and the complete hackjob SV police squad are like something out of an SNL skit. They catch Max rooting around in Liz's abandoned car trying to find out what happened to her, and instead of even checking out the scene, they just haul Max off to the station for questioning and threaten him with buttrape in juvy hall the whole time. They're way harsher to him than they ever were to Rick Andover. Plus, I don't think if Max actually killed a girl he'd just be headed to juvy. Then, when the cops realize they don't have anything to hold Max on, they let him go and announce that Liz must be a runaway. Yep. Their reasoning for this? If someone had kidnapped Liz, they would've sent a ransom note by now! Because A) a ransomer would nab LIZ, not Lila or Regina, and B) apparently SV cops aren't familiar with the classic 80s faces on the milk cartons! And because runaways leave their purse and all that shit in their car. That makes lots of sense! What in the fuck!

Jessica cries miserably and blames herself for Liz's disappearance while Todd shows off his true asshole self by punching Max Dellon in the face at school when Max insists he hasn't seen Liz. Unlike many readers, I've never been charmed by Todd. He just acts like a complete toolbag. Now maybe you can see why. Nicholas comes to see Jess to comfort her, and she thinks to herself that normally having him in her bedroom would be fodder for all kinds of fantasies. Uhhhh ... like what, chastely kissing? Or is this supposed to be a masturbation reference?

Elizabeth is finally saved when Jessica, Todd and Max do some investigating of their own by heading to the hospital. They run into Carl, who freaks out thinking Jessica is Elizabeth. He must be truly crazy not to realize Liz has a twin after all the time Jessica spent on that same hall wooing Jeremy Frank. He starts yelling at Jessica for escaping and she pulls some weird shit that's supposed to be clever, but isn't. She pretends to be Liz, and I guess it's so Carl won't try to make a break for it, or something, even though he's already surrounded by ten people who have already jumped his ass. I thought she was going to trick him into saying where he was keeping Liz. That would have been the intelligent thing to do. Instead, Carl confesses to the cops where Liz is. Uh, again, A) how did the hospital not have the address of someone who works there? Is that shack not his home? Because he acts like it is, and B) what if he never confessed? Everyone just assumes he's going to let it out when he's captured.

I think I've been watching too much Law & Order.

Everyone cheers and goes to rescue Liz without stopping to think that she could've been raped or beaten or half-starved. They just assume she's all right and don't bother to ask her when they find her. The Wakefields throw a big reunion party and Todd and Liz make out in the den. Mrs. Wakefield sees and we learn that she's bothered that the two are so serious, implying she worries they might have sex, and that she secretly wishes Liz would be more like Jessica and date around! You mean, making out with random boys in cars and almost getting date-raped every other book? Sounds great! But then Liz meets Nicholas ... and it's immediately apparent that he wants a piece of her ... hell, the ghostwriter makes it sound like he practically undresses her with his eyes!

The cover: Lord have mercy, I forgot to snark on the cover when I first posted this. Well, the cover doesn't represent what actually happened. Liz isn't kidnapped in front of a plain white wall, but outside the hospital in the dark! Carl doesn't sneak up on her out of nowhere while she holds her hand to her face in a melodramatic pose, either. He comes up and talks to her, then abruptly grabs her. And, that's supposed to be her candy striper's uniform? When I think candy striper, I think bright red with candy cane stripes and a little hat ... but I probably got that from Saved by the Bell.

The sub-plot: The whole book revolves around Liz and her disappearance. I guess you could count the blurb about Max Dellon passing his English test on his own, but since he's thinking the whole time about Liz and getting upset, I'd say not.

Back of the book: The usual, plus an order form for some Paul Zindel YA novels like My Darling, My Hamburger (I think that's the one about abortion), The Pigman, and I Never Loved Your Mind. Did anybody ever read these? I haven't (I don't think), but I know I got a couple off Ebay with a big book lot ...

Next time .... Nicholas Morrow makes a move on Liz and she doesn't exactly run the other way!

#12 When Love Dies

Yeah, I'm writing this instead of working on an analysis chart for my master's degree. So if I flunk out of school, it is totally Francine Pascal's fault! *Jessica-like pout*

Alright, so we're on book 12, and I must say that the main storyline was about as dull as I feared it would be, while simultaneously stirring my heartstrings just a wee tad. However, a lighthearted silly side story starring Jessica making a fool out of herself over a boy (because that's not new or anything) kept the edge off.

The plot: Steven Wakefield's longtime girlfriend, Tricia Martin, a senior at SVH, doesn't want to go out with him anymore. She refuses to see him, and after weeks of moping and crying, he finally dumps her because she all but admits she is seeing someone else.
Tricia disappears from school, and rumors run rampant around school about Tricia being no good - you know, like the rest of her apparently derelict family. Jessica decides this is the perfect time to set up her heartbroken bro with her gossipy, boring cheerleader best friend, Cara, who's been crushing on him forever. Steve agrees to go out with Cara to an extremely lame high school party she throws on a whim, but can't stop thinking about Tricia the whole time and is basically the worst date ever. I mean, he only kisses Cara at one point because he's imagining she's Tricia, which is sorta creepy if you ask me.

Of course, Tricia isn't actually hitting it with anybody else. She is dying of leukemia, and she has it in her head that it will be easier for Steve if he thinks she just hates his guts and is a cheating biotch. Nevermind that when she dies, he'll discover these were all lies and feel even more pain. Tricia, you're an odd soul. Elizabeth, of course, finds out the truth when she sees Tricia in a room at the hospital (where she's a candy striper -- see sub-plot), where she gets the story but promises to keep it a secret. After agonizing over it for way too many pages, she finally tells Steve, who has already ditched Cara at some dumb dorm party (who the hell threw parties in their dorms? anybody? just curious if anyone ever actually had a real kegger in their dorm room!) after getting mad at her for suggesting she become his new girlfriend. So Steve finds out the truth, he and Tricia reunite, and there's all kinds of crying and sappy love lines and what have you. Yawwwwwwwn.

The cover: Steve's head looks really odd to me ... too small, and somewhat alien-like! And it's titled at such an odd angle that he's practically cross-eyed. Tricia definitely looks like a ghost in this one ... check that Victorian blouse, that vacant expression, and her uh, holy-hot-rollers hair. That plus the title ... When Love Dies ... get it? pretty much give away what is actually going on here. PS Tricia has blue eyes in the book ... not dark brown like she does here!

Tricia doesn't actually die in this book. It's just set up for the future, maybe fooling some readers into thinking she might actually live. Hey, Liz beat death! Yeah, yeah ... but she's a Wakefield.

The sub-plot: This one had some slapstick comedy relief. I'm not going to sit here and act like I didn't get a little chuckle out of it. Jessica learns from gossipyass Cara that Jeremy Frank, a local TV star (interesting ...) is in the hospital with a broken leg. Man, these days I don't think a hospital would keep you in there for that long when you just broke a bone! They want your ass out of there! Uh, I digress ... of course, Jessica decides that 25-year-old Jeremy is the perfect man for her and that she wants a spot on his show, so she persuades Liz to become a candy striper with her so she can meet him. But Liz meets him first, and then Jessica acts like such an idiot fawning over him that she stabs him with a pencil, and spills water on him, as he's buck-naked, when she walks in on his sponge bath and freaks out. Whatsa matter Jess, never seen a penis before? I think Bruce P. would have a little something to say about that. Anyway, Jess is acting like such an ass that Liz hatches a plot with Jeremy to scare her off by having him fall madly in love with her and beg her to marry him. Real smart, guys ... Jess is at first freaked out, but then she decides a prolonged engagement that she can eventually break off is a great idea! The truth comes out and, once again, Jessica is humiliated by some dude she made a jackass out of herself for. *cue Simpsons' Nelson laugh* HA ha!

WTF? This book says Steven is 18, but the last one distinctly said he was 19. What in hell, did we go back in time?

-I have never known a college kid, even a really homesick one, who was home from school every single weekend the way Steven is. I guess he doesn't party much.

-Cara brings out a six-pack of beer at her dumb party! GASP! This is actually a bit of a shock for me as I thought SVH books always treated alcohol as solely evil and the cause of great misfortune, such as attempted rapes and motorcycle accidents.

-Caroline Pierce is described as wearing a "plaid shirtwaist." I had to look up what that is, and here it is:

VOMIT!!!! Did people really wear these things back in the 80s? (Do they wear them now?)

-Even though it's a prank, Jeremy's going after Jess is another thing that is creepy. 25 + 16 = yuck. (I have no room to talk; I dated a 26-year-old at 17, but still ... that's just not right)

-We learn about Tricia's family again -- her mom died when she was 9 from leukemia, her older sister Betsy is a big druggie and sleeps around, and her dad is a total drunkard. They apparently live in the slums of Sweet Valley. I thought Sweet Valley was such a nice place to be! I guess that's only if you are upper middle-class and have a typical nuclear fam. Heh. Uh, anyway, does anyone remember Betsy Martin from the Sweet Valley Twins books? Those weren't out till two years after When Love Dies was published, but Betsy was an eighth-grade member of the Unicorns (the middle school equivalent of Pi Beta Alpha) and apparently really popular and gorgeous, or whatever. My oh my, Betsy, how ye have grown.

In the back of the book: A Sweet Valley High QUIZ! You have to get all the answers right in order to enter the Sweet Valley High Star-Studded Contest, which includes a 2-night stay in New York City, a Broadway show, a salon makeover, and dinner with Francine Pascal!!! Entries are due by Halloween 1984, so you better get crackin'! The person who had this book before me marked all the answers already, so I guess I'm good to go! (Maybe I should post the quiz on here...?)

(In all seriousness, I would love to interview the person that won this contest!)

Next time: Liz has been KIDNAPPED by Carl the crazy hospital orderly! It happened at the end of this book; now we get to find out ... Will Elizabeth be saved? Didn't Elizabeth just have a trauma? Make Jessica have one. Also, we apparently have to wait an extra month for #13 to come out ... uh, or those people still living in 1984 do.

#11 Too Good to Be True

This was one of my absolute favorite SVHs as a kid, so kind of hard for me to snark on it ... but rest assured I can, and I will, because there are plenty of things that are just effed in this one!

The story: It's spring break at Sweet Valley, and the kids are off for two weeks. TWO WHOLE WEEKS? We only got one week off! Hmmmph. Anyway, Mr. Wakefield and his old lawyer friend, Mr. Devlin, have decided to do a daughter exchange. Suzanne Devlin will come to stay at the Wakefields' house and hang out with one of the twins, while the other twin goes off to New York City to see the sights. Mr. Wakefield flips a coin to see who goes to NYC. Liz wins, but of course, Jessica manipulates her into staying behind by telling her all about how Lila Fowler has a huge crush on Todd and will probably make a move on him behind Liz's back. Liz, you are a chump.

"Suzy" shows up, and she's apparently the most gorgeous girl anyone has ever laid eyes on. She's also extremely sweet, kind, and helpful, and talks sort of like a priss from an old timey movie ("Oh! It's just the sweetest thing I ever saw!" or whatever), yet nobody suspects that she is kind of weird. Winston Egbert, whose girlfriend Mandy apparently moved away, falls hard for Suzy and starts going all out to woo her.

Of course, underneath it all, Suzy is really a cold-hearted bitch. She hates her rich parents for constantly leaving her alone and shipping her off to boarding school in Europe every year. She hates Sweet Valley, the Wakefields, and everybody else in it, especially Winston, whom she describes as a "big goon." I can't say I blame her! He sounds extremely annoying in this book and I'd want to knock him out, myself! In truth, I kind of like Suzanne. Probably because she hates Liz and steals her precious gold lavaliere that we hear about in every book. I was hoping she'd flush it down the toilet or something, to be honest with you. Ha ha!

The only person who really intrigues Suzanne is Mr. Collins, the handsome English teacher who's always hanging around. He's at the junior class picnic at Seneca Lake, and he saves bikini-clad Suzy from supposedly drowning, who proceeds to grope his chest and moan her thanks. This makes old Mr. Collins awfully uncomfortable. Well, what the fuck are you doing at a junior class picnic then! Can't these kids hold their own after-school activities without a chaperone?

Suzanne takes over Elizabeth's Collins babysitting job for her when Todd surprises her with Lakers tickets. She acts like a total bitch to little Teddy Collins, snoops through Roger's things, and takes a bath to get ready for a night of seduction. When Mr. Collins gets home, she throws herself at him, asks him for alcohol and moans like a classic soap opera vixen! Sweet! Mr. Collins pulls himself away with "difficulty" and Suzanne knows that he wants to hit it and calls him on it! But he tells her he's doing her a favor and she furiously storms out of his house. On the way home, she tears her clothes, messes her hair and starts crying, then comes back and tells Elizabeth that Mr. Collins tried to rape her. Ohhhhhh no she didn't! Oh, yes, she did. The school goes into a furor, and Mr. Collins is placed on leave while an investigation is conducted as a "formality," but his career is pretty much over. No cops are involved, though; it's just the principal. This place is so weird.

Of course, in the end Suzy gets her just desserts. She attends Lila Fowler's big birthday bash with Aaron Dallas, and is caught unawares when Liz confronts her with the lavaliere that she found coiled in Suzy's suitcase. (She was putting a present in there for her, but I bet she was actually hoping to nose around, that meddler.) Suzanne retaliates by spreading rumors all over the party that Liz hit her head again and is starting to act all messed up like she did in Dear Sister. Liz is humiliated, but she gets in Suzanne's face in front of everyone and tells her that even Mr. Collins knows what a loser she is! ZING! Then, Winston makes a perfectly timed entrance with a big glass of red punch that he "accidentally" spills down Suzanne's dress. She starts screaming at him about how much she hates him, and everyone walks away in disgust while she cries! This book is awesome. Needless to say, everything is fine and dandy in Sweet Valley yet again.

I really love Suzanne. True bad girls are few and far between in this town. You know Suzanne would never stop somebody from untying that bikini top!

*SPOILER FOR UPCOMING BOOK*: Suzanne will reappear in a later Super Special, but I'm afraid I don't like what they do with her character in that one :(

The cover: Suzanne really doesn't look too gorgeous in this picture. Ehhhh. Liz has her first cover in several books and looks like a total priss, but her expression is hilarious. But she's wearing her lavaliere, which had been missing for many weeks before she realized THE TRUTH (dun dun dun) about this biotch. So, it doesn't gel with the story. I disapprove.

The sub-plot: Of course, our side story is about Jessica's misadventures in the Big Apple. I probably enjoyed this part of the book much more than the tales about crazy Suzanne. Jessica stays with the Devlins in their posh apartment, where she goes all out to try to seduce Suzanne's 20-year-old boyfriend, Pete. Now, Jessica, what have we learned about trying to get with older men? Pete takes her around town at the request of the Devlins, but is totally bored with her, which of course enrages our fair blond one. When are you going to learn you aren't all that, Jess? Jessica doesn't see a whole lot of sights except when she goes out with Pete; she mostly seems pretty bored and whines about dinner parties with boring Devlin relatives. She does go to a party Suzanne's friends throw in her honor, and gets completely trashed on champagne. Suzanne's friends laugh about her low alcohol tolerance and send her home in a cab after she passes out in the bathroom. Finally, Pete makes his move on Jessica after she throws herself at him for the umpteenth time, only - SURPRISE! - he wants to do it with her! Of course, Jess is shocked and appalled, and Pete winds up calling her a cocktease and trying to rape her. The Devlins come home early and find the pair of them struggling amidst smashed glasses of brandy on the floor! HAHAHAHAHA. While Pete's attempted rape is in no way excusable, don't look at me with a straight face and say you didn't laugh when he called her out on her shit!

WTF? First of all, what is up with this recurring rape theme? We even get two rape storylines for the price of one with this book!

-Again, why is Mr. Collins at the junior class picnic? And Bruce Patman's there, too ... one of the few seniors who had been "invited." Ooooooh, goody for him. Are there even more than 3 seniors at this school?

-Steven comes home from college EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and does nothing but mope around because Tricia won't talk to him again. LOSER! Go hit up a frat party or something!

-Jessica imagines that she's going to be discovered by a model scout while in NYC. She'll be the next Cheryl Tiegs and end up on the cover of Cosmopolitan. HAHA, can you see that shit?

-One thing that has really been bothering me is that attempted rape is shown as something that only happens to chicks who are cockteases. Don't get me wrong; Jessica's cocktease behavior is flat-out infuriating, as is her hard-headed refusal to learn! But seriously ... what the hell kind of lesson is this supposed to be teaching? If you're going to put rape in a book, why treat the subject so lightly? And why isn't anybody ever arrested?

-And furthermore ... what message do these books send by having a few incidents where girls get back at guys that don't want them, by accusing them of raping them? Come on, Francine Pascal, come up with something else!

-Finally ... Liz actually rationalizes Jessica's own behavior by telling herself that even Jess wouldn't do the things Suzy has done. Oh, really, Liz? Double Love anyone? You big doormat.

At the back of the book: Nothing of note.

Next time: Steven continues to mope as we learn why Tricia will not speak to him. I haven't read this book before, and I'm not really looking forward to a hundred-some pages of crying, whiny Steven.